[quote=chemos]

Dear Sir,

I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the manager.

Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly passed on before applying.

I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more.

It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death.

He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironsome, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine, the company no longer has to pay his retirement benefits.

The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbor and it will be easy for me to simply jump over the fence into that beautiful big company house.

I also took it into my hands to quickly get a drivers' license as I am sure the Prado will also be pushed over to me.

And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amiable qualities that shout for themselves.

I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I can stand up with the challenge. For that sir, I will be sending my pictures taken in the meantime of attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed.

As for my referee, well the same dead culprit was my referee so we can safely skip that part.

I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known

Yours ever smiling even in tough times.

Philip Sitienei.

Why Luos Never Win On Citizen's Tazama Chapaa
CITIZEN TV: Hello, am i speaking to Otiende Openda?
...
OTIENDE: In the event that u want to secure my audience, Please predecease the names Otiende Openda with the prefix Engineer
...
CITIZEN TV: we received your SMS at tazama chapa and we....

OTIENDE: Yes, I radiate an apologetic tone for bombarding your systems with an avalanche of messages yester night. You see I left the custody of my Samsung galaxy s3 phone to my 9 year old son so that he could play with as he had developed monotony to his toys. He must have contacted u by error.

CITIZEN TV: By error?

OTIENDE: Yes. u see, he wanted to re-united zack with his home country (bring zack home) but didn’t know the exact pay bill number so I told him for the sake of probability, to send SMSes to all pay bill numbers he has ever seen being displayed on my 64 inch Samsung flat screen that also relays 3d images. u must have been a beneficiary of his gesture

CITIZEN TV: we received your messages nevertheless and are pleased to inform u that u are our winner this week

OTIENDE: actually it is my son who has won, let me expose this dialogue to him via a conference call so that u can relay to him the good news

CITIZEN TV: No sir, we just wanted to inform u that he has won 500,000 shillings and would like u and him to come to our station n pick the prize infront of the cameras

OTIENDE: I am withered with shock

CITIZEN TV: I know u must be too happy

OTIENDE: I was jubilating until u inserted the suffix 'shillings' vis-à-vis 'dollars' after the digits. u want to assemble me and my offspring before the local TV's UHF and VHF bandwidths and ask us to jubilate profusely at 500,000 shillings?. are u aware that such information can leak into CNN or BBC and expose me to international shame as my fellow alumni’s from the university of Ohio residing in the Diaspora may recognize me and embed shame to my occupation

CITIZEN TV: Excuse me sir but this news would make anyone happy

OTIENDE: if u had called me to alert me that mack zuckerberg is selling all his shares to me. then the muscles residing in close proximity to my jaws would have relaxed to depic happiness

CITIZEN TV: we still require u to come to our offices so that we can explain more details on how u will receive your....

OTIENDE: Then dispatch a helicopter to the coordinates of my dwelling to phery me and my son to your bearings, then promise to grant us anonymity by hiding our faces when we r receiving the cheque and please please, so that people do not recognize my name with ease, just omit the prefix Engineer.

CITIZEN TV: We cannot do that sir

OTIENDE : Then i suggest that u terminate this cellular dialogue promptly b4 I sue u for diminishing the voltage in my cellular gadget's power plant (batteries) via this misplaced dialogue.

....They should pin this one at the entrance of the Mpigsty.

AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHH hata akiandika

Someone please.....