Wife goes to supermarket, sees men's briefs on sale. She buys a dozen of the same colour. Goes home and gives hubby.
Hubby protests, "Why buy me same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!!"

Wife asks, "Which people?"

……..The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!



…….Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"



…………… There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "f*** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f*** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


………. Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be three dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"

…………… Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Wife to husband: why are you walking around naked? Surely the
neighbours will see your things...

Husband: So what?!

Wife: they will think I married you for your money!

For once it will

the only time a woman ever succeded in changing a man is when they are babies

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the Difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .. But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

The phantom

1 day Kibaki n Raila wa invited 2 lunch by the queen of England. On arrival @ the table, they noticed tht they wa being served wt gold spoons knives n forks. Raila said 2 himself: i hav 2 steal a gold fork. But looking bt Kibaki, he realised if ws thinkin the same n if they both stole 1 they wud ...b caught so Raila decided 2 show em who ws wiser.
He waited till Kibaki had stolen one n put it in his pocket then tapped his glass n said: I would like 2 show u how powerful African magic as. I wil put this fork in my pocket and it will appear in Kibaki's's pocket..so he did and it was proven..no wender the beef b2n the two.

The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at the Niagara Falls. They
occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were
inseparable.One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms,
there
was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and
groping
their way they made it to their rooms, and quiet...ly undressed.Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his
prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's
wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"

Differnt perspectives


Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work:



-

It was a total disaster... My Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes!!!!



How about you? - Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home, he lit the candles around the house and we had a whole hour of foreplay. After foreplay, we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!!!!!



At the same time their husbands are talking at work: -



Did you have good sex last night? Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate chap chap, screwed my wife and fell asleep immediately after!



What about you? - It was horrible!!! I came home, there was no dinner, because they disconnected the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return, I had to take my wife out for dinner and the dinner was so damn expensive that we didn't have money for a cab! So we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it..... After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another whole hour!!