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Rank: New-farer Joined: 1/7/2010 Posts: 67 Location: NBI
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@ Intell
LOLest that one for Judas has made my day... :)
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/19/2006 Posts: 66
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u guys r really funny !! LOL GOR- Gutheka Out Roudry Just do it!
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 7/3/2007 Posts: 1,634
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And now, just to piss off the religious right:
Pat Robertson 'A Public Relations Nightmare,' Says GodAlmighty Holds Rare Press ConferenceNEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of his comments about the earthquake in Haiti, televangelist Pat Robertson has become a "public relations nightmare" and a "gynormous embarrassment to me, personally," God said today. In a rare press conference at the Grand Hyatt in New York City, the usually reclusive Almighty said that He was taking the unusual step of airing His feelings in public because "enough is enough." "I pray that his TV show would just go away, but of course, when you're me there's no one to pray to," God said, to the laughter of the packed room of reporters. While God held out no hope that Rev. Robertson's "700 Club" would be cancelled any time soon, He did say, somewhat ruefully, "If Pat Robertson were on NBC he'd be replaced by Jay Leno by now." "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." (Niels Bohr)
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Rank: Member Joined: 7/23/2009 Posts: 526
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@ Intel Hizo zako ni za nguvu.Am already in stitches. Accept no one's definition of your life; define your life.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 7/3/2007 Posts: 1,634
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Apologies for posting the Pat Robertson piece without context. For those who may not know, he is the nutcase that claimed the Haiti earthquake was caused by a 'pact with the devil' that Haitians made years ago. I also don't think such crap is funny, although I do find the image of God addressing a press conference hilarious. Anyway, here is MSNB's take on the Pat Robertson foot in the mouth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-PEaWUduCM "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." (Niels Bohr)
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436
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Wife goes to supermarket, sees man's briefs on sale.
She buys a dozen of the same colour. Goes home and gives hubby.
Hubby protests, "Why buy me the same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!!
Wife asks, "Which people?"
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/7/2009 Posts: 155
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/7/2009 Posts: 155
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There were three preachers in a certain town. After many years of service their churches grew both in numbers and financially. So they set off to the beach for a holiday.
While there, they decided to share testimonies of their life so far:
Pastor 1: "I have had a big weakness in my life as a pastor. I have been misappropriating millions of church's money for all these years. If the members come to know of it, I will surely be put up on flames."
Pastor 2: "That's very simple sin. No-one will ever harm you for that. Mine is probably the worst. I have slept with virtually all the women in the church! I am sure even death cannot offer adequate punishment for this."
Pastor 3: "Ooh, you people have no weaknesses. Mine is a fatal one. I have had a terrible time. I have a bad spirit. I am obsessed with a spirit of gossip. Siwezi kunyamaza." Then the others told him "you are ok. Wewe utaenda mbinguni." But then the 3rd pastor told them.."infact I got to go. What I have heard from you I must say it. I must tell people. Bye my friends. I will see you after everyone has known"
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 17
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Ati ......... unajifanya Alfaisal nani akupiganie? AM NOT A SAINT, UNLESS A SAINT TO YOU IS A SINNER WHO KEEPS ON TRYING
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Yep!"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep."
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep."
Then the Good Samaritan got to think that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.
However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep."
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep."
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, Then went back downstairs.
To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over toward him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, save me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 1/19/2010 Posts: 33 Location: Nairobi
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Good stuff for ma afternoon!!! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/20/2008 Posts: 1,126 Location: Nairobi
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@ Wendz,  JOIN MY FREE MINI-COURSE FOR WRITERS. CLICK HERE
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.
"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."
The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.
"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.
"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"
The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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And this is a special dedication to one and only TRS!!! ehehehehehe....
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
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Rank: Member Joined: 12/10/2008 Posts: 68 Location: Nairobi
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TWO NUNS... There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And...? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!  "We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children" Native American Proverb
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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I'm still waiting to see those jokes of mchongoano, they crack me up, 1. Wewe ni m-black mpaka ukizaliwa uliwekwa kwa incubator ya tint.
2. Wewe ni pagan, mpaka when you donated blood to a saved guy, ali-backslide.
etc
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/2/2009 Posts: 2,458 Location: Nairobi
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Monkey is seated on a tree smoking his 'stuff'
a lizard passes by and admires so he asks for a puff or two.
Monkey feelling cool & all refuses, telling the lizard that stuff could make him go mad..
Monkey "its not for small lizards and kids under 18yrs of age"
lizard "how come you using it and havent gone berserk?
monkey " thats cos im used to this stuff man! im TOUGH infact it even makes me smarter"
so after relentless begs the monkey lets the lizard have some.
after a few puffs the Lizard gets thirsty and the Monkey reminding him of his ealier warnings tells the lizard to go sip some water at the nearby river.
after some time a Crocodile passes by and the monkey goes
"Crap mien! i told you to have a few sips, Not Drink the WHOLE RIVER!!!!"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/2/2009 Posts: 2,458 Location: Nairobi
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Sam and Paul are the best of buddies having grown up together same small town, same schools etc etc.
The two guys together at the local inn.They had even created those 'routines',sitting at the same place on the counter, same drinks, chat for hours etc etc.This went on for couple of years..
One day Sam, joins the army and is deployed to Iraq.
As a tribute and dedication to their friendship; Paul keeps up the routine. every evening,same time, he would sit at the same spot at the counter and orders two mugs...one for him and one for Sam, his longtime friend and drinks both.. this also goes on for quiet some time
then all of a sudden for two consecutive days however he comes in looking a bit downcast, same spot same lager but only orders one mug.
The other patrons noticing this change do the honourable and come to pass their condolences. at which the guy looks at them and politely tells...
"i quit drinking this(mug of beer)is for Sam.."
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/13/2008 Posts: 1,565
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me". Grandson says "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?"
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears : BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Walking fast, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him...FASTER
...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
Clappity-BUMP...Clappity-BUMP...on his heels as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything! but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and ..........the coffin stops
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