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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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1) The pleasure of making love in the dark is 10 times stronger than when the lights are on. 2) Taking a bath with your partner increases your love by 40%. Don't get excited , its an advert by NWSC and KPLC. Save water by bathing together. Save electricity by makin luv in the dark!! Foward to every person u know and reduce their bill. Caretaker
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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In a city hoppa bus: Preacher: Mabibi Na Mabwana, Leo nataka kuwasomea barua ya Paulo kwa warumi....(Letters of Paul) Drunkard: Nani amekupa ruhusa ya kusoma barua za wenyewe?
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Kamau had been in the States for a while in pursuit of the American dream but hadn't gotten a job as yet. His friend Njoroge advised him not to be too choosy and sent him to a recruitment bureau and that was how he landed a job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people would keep coming to the zoo. On his first day on the job, Kamau puts on the skin and gets into the cage. The crowd cheers and is excited to see him. Kamau is more excited than his audience and starts to put on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Ghai FaFa!! Mutindeithie!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Charrap! Tiiga urimu Kamau, niugutuma tufutwo wira!! Nkt." Kumbe this is where Njoroge works too!!
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Passenger: Ongeza volume tusikie Mwalimu King'ang'i! Konda: Ungeskiza Mwalimu wa shule ungekuwa na gari yako si kutusumbua hapa na King'ang'i.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Eti.... .. Kunyolewa ni 2sok, kwani nanyolewa hadi ujinga? .. Elimu ni ngao, kwani tunaenda vita? .. Rurashio 1m, kwani anakam na mpango wa kando? .. Kitunguu 20bob, kwani iko na nyanya ndani? .. Kuona daktari 2k, kwani ako uchi? .. Bra 5sok, kwani ni longsleeve? .. Gazeti 70bob, kwani ni 3D?📰 .. Eti trao thao, kwani itakuwa inaanua hizo zingine kukinyesha?👖 .. Uko saved, kwani sisi tuko recycle bin?🚮 .. Donut 20bob, kwani nakula hadi shimo lake?🍩 .. Padz 1k, kwani iko na drainage system?🙈 .. Nyama quarter 2sok, kwani inafungwo na gazeti ya kesho?🍖🍗 .. Smoking kills slowly, kwani nani ako na haraka ya kufa? .. Success card 2sok, kwani inakam na mwakenya? .. Samaki 5sok, kwani ni ile ilimeza Jonah?🐋 .. Coffin 90k, kwani ni self contained? .. Chapo 50bob, kwani imepikwa na nivea?🍪 .. Mirror 2sok, kwani ni touch?
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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washiku wrote:Kamau had been in the States for a while in pursuit of the American dream but hadn't gotten a job as yet. His friend Njoroge advised him not to be too choosy and sent him to a recruitment bureau and that was how he landed a job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people would keep coming to the zoo. On his first day on the job, Kamau puts on the skin and gets into the cage. The crowd cheers and is excited to see him.
Kamau is more excited than his audience and starts to put on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Ghai FaFa!! Mutindeithie!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Charrap! Tiiga urimu Kamau, niugutuma tufutwo wira!! Nkt." Kumbe this is where Njoroge works too!!  Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 1/17/2013 Posts: 4,693 Location: Earth
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Rank: Elder Joined: 1/17/2013 Posts: 4,693 Location: Earth
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Rank: Elder Joined: 1/17/2013 Posts: 4,693 Location: Earth
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washiku wrote:1) The pleasure of making love in the dark is 10 times stronger than when the lights are on.
2) Taking a bath with your partner increases your love by 40%.
Don't get excited , its an advert by NWSC and KPLC. Save water by bathing together. Save electricity by makin luv in the dark!! Foward to every person u know and reduce their bill.
Caretaker The 2 Co. are run by sadists.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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washiku wrote:A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!  Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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WIFE: darling why are you home this early wearing such a long face? HUSBAND: had a terrible day, i lost all my colleagues today at work. WIFE: blood of Jesus! what happened? HUSBAND: there was a fire outbreak down in the tunnel and everybody died! WIFE: what a pity! darling I thank God for keeping you alive, how did you make it out my dear? HUSBAND: darling, it was God's work, my stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet. WIFE: darling, thank God you are alive, what would have happened to us? I feel so much pity for their families. so bad, how are they going to survive now? HUSBAND: my dear its a pity, but UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased 900 million each. WIFE: what?!!!!! 900 million what? so because of your useless stomach upset and the foolish toilet and your refusal to die with your colleagues make me miss that money?? I beg if you don't want trouble, go back and die with your colleagues
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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washiku wrote:WIFE: darling why are you home this early wearing such a long face?
HUSBAND: had a terrible day, i lost all my colleagues today at work.
WIFE: blood of Jesus! what happened?
HUSBAND: there was a fire outbreak down in the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: what a pity! darling I thank God for keeping you alive, how did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: darling, it was God's work, my stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: darling, thank God you are alive, what would have happened to us? I feel so much pity for their families. so bad, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: my dear its a pity, but UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased 900 million each.
WIFE: what?!!!!! 900 million what? so because of your useless stomach upset and the foolish toilet and your refusal to die with your colleagues make me miss that money?? I beg if you don't want trouble, go back and die with your colleagues Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 1/17/2013 Posts: 4,693 Location: Earth
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 Court Ruling from the UK: A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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kysse wrote:Court Ruling from the UK: A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Teacher: Give me the names of CITIES you know of...? Kamau: New York CITY Teacher: Good Good and you Mutua? Mutua: Mega CITY Teacher: Very good!!! Zangi? Zangi: ElectriCITY Teacher: Ummhhhh!!!...WHAT?? Ziki: Am joking its... CITY Hoppa Teacher: Please please Maureen can you help your desk-mate Maureen: CITY Mortuary
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2007 Posts: 8,776 Location: Cameroon
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washiku wrote:In a city hoppa bus:
Preacher: Mabibi Na Mabwana, Leo nataka kuwasomea barua ya Paulo kwa warumi....(Letters of Paul)
Drunkard: Nani amekupa ruhusa ya kusoma barua za wenyewe? Gai TULIA.........UFUNZWE!
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Rank: Member Joined: 7/1/2014 Posts: 895 Location: sky
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Rank: User Joined: 1/20/2014 Posts: 3,528
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