The story @gesowan shared the other day struck a cord in me and since I didn't want to hijack his topic I will start a new one.
Me: Mid 20’s, Full time student + full time job in sales, financially independent and living firmly within my merger means.
Him: Late 20’s, Business Analyst, perpetually broke, traditionalist.
Prior to my relationship with this man, I believed that domestic violence was an extremely passionate act in that, the batterer could not think or control themselves at all during the act. I came to find out how naïve that thought was after dating a seemingly normal man for over a year.
Argument #1: Started over nothing. Really. By the end of it all, I’d had a drink poured over my head, been spat on, hit, kicked and had things thrown at me. It left me stunned to the core and it destroyed everything I’d ever felt for the guy. This first fight fit in perfectly with my idea of domestic violence at the time. Seeing that thought come to life was terrifying since it looked like the man was deranged. From beginning to end, the incident lasted approx 5hrs if not more. The following morning he woke up and acted like everything was normal while I on the other hand was emotionally and physically exhausted. I packed the few things I had at his place and went home. He later apologized profusely of course and after a few weeks we got back together even though I had not forgiven nor forgotten. I was however, alert!
Argument #2: Came about two months later and it started because of his insecurities about my male friends. I tried to avoid it but I couldn’t. There was no stopping the guy when he was on the war path. This time though, I was not going to be a mere punching bag so I started hitting him back … only I was fighting like a girl, punches landing everywhere they might. After a few of those the guy had the presence of mind to say …
“Hit where it won’t show!”
All this while he was pounding my head on the floor! Surely, the man was this close to killing me yet he wanted me to avoid his face!? Well, the moment he brought his precious face close I took a nice big bite of his lip and held on. That fight ended with him rushing to look at the damage in the bathroom mirror while asking me how he was going to go to work the following Monday.
I can’t say that was my finest moment but that was the last moment for me with him.
Now you ask why wait until the second incident to leave him? It wasn’t for his money since he was always broke and the extra-curricular activities were just okay so no, it wasn’t that either. I also had other men who were interested in me at the time so I wasn’t in a “desperate” position. I think I was stupefied by the absurdity of the whole situation. For some time I felt like I was having an out of body experience. This was a man I’d thought I loved and he had not only beaten me up while leaving my face intact (that still amazes me) but he also poured a drink on me and spat on me and yet expected me to love him! That was just too damn fascinating, I just had to stay a while and study the “case”.
The sad thing is man’s parents were present during the initial part of the first incident and neither one tried to intervene. The mom witnessed her son abusing someone’s daughter yet she had the audacity to call me numerous times begging me to give her son more time. She’d tell me that these things happen (not in my family they don't) and say that he was trying so hard to be better man. All I knew was that if I ended up married into that family I would be very much alone and very dead, very soon. The man is married now and each time I read a DV story I wonder how his wife is faring.