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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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An Omera sent Kshs 500 via MPESA on Valentine's day to the girlfriend...
The girlfriend gets so mad and calls him!!! "Sweety seriously, kwani mapenzi yetu ni 500? Kwanza siku ya valentines? You are so mean, I regret meeting you!!!"
Omera from the other end of the line, "jaber, stop torturing yourself with lack of information!!! I only sent you MPESA so that I can get to know your full names....I'm from DT-dobie and I didn't know which names to put in the logbook"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Topesafi wrote:Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts
masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming
 Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/31/2008 Posts: 7,081 Location: Kenya
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 1/9/2009 Posts: 1,262
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C&P
If women ruled the world there would be no wars just jalous countries not talking to each other
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Hahahahaha! Ati Jubilee can even steal a vote of thanks! Jokenya yawa! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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A Luhya lady fainted outside kenchic, a crowd gathered and one person shouted, "give her some water!" She opened one eye and told the guy "ondoka hapa wewe, mshensi... ningetakeko maji, ningefaintiko nje ya Nairobi water"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 7/11/2012 Posts: 5,222
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Those men going home today from Saturday, claiming they were hostages... Mungu anawaona!
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Rank: Member Joined: 6/17/2010 Posts: 572
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alexander graham bell breaking up with his girlfriend shortly before inventing the telephone; bell: whats the matter sweets girlfriend: i feel like i dont know you anymore, its over between me and you and dont even think of calling me bell: mmmmhh 'One headache for famous medieval holy people was that someone might murder you to acquire your body parts for the relics trade'
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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LETTER TO ALSHABAAB FROM KISUMO... Dear mar chieth?? alsabab, ong'echegi si you come to kisumo, we tame the setan in your bodies ong'ogruogegi!... how can you attack pregnant women and innocent children kasto you say ni nyi nya nye nye nye you cowards chiedhegi! si mukuje kisumu nkt, the rectum of your mothers nkt! infact the rear organ of your fathers nkt. your grandmother's pancreas too nkt. your uncle's duodenum bende nkt! nkt if you come to kisumo, only oyoo, kidero, and gor mahia kondele branch is enough to subdue you, you entrails of Lates niloticus! if you attack jane adika's house in nyando, that has ten in one floors, the next day she will say "sirikali tafadhalii niko saidi mbaya kabisaa, hata alsabab singine niliattack hapa sijui nimeenda wapi, hata wait widow nimeenda sooote! sirikali tafadhaaali" still in nyando it will take only a few minutes and miguna miguna will peel back your masks, and expose your identities you tails of Canis lupus familiaris! punde modenyogi, come to alego tat yien and experience the power of manayasi. in alego we keep lightning and thunderstorm in a bottle and prescribe it to chiedhe kaka un, you bone marrows of a Chamaeleonidae nkt! we will make you eat those grenades and bullets if you dare step in alego. your private parts will grow on your foreheads and become public parts sianda pakagi. try your cowardice tactics in kisumo and you will know why a stone is not somebody's mother. bi uru chieeeeth awacho ayueyo! yours ayam not even in kisumo, ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Boy: Dad, what's politics? Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son? Boy: I still don't understand dad. Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day... Son: Dad I understand politics now. Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son. Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SH*T!
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/8/2011 Posts: 482 Location: Nairobi
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Omollo is watching a horror movie with his wife. suddenly, his wife jumps onto his lap screaming 'uwiiiii! uwiii! onege marach yaaaawa! (it has killed him gruesomely) omollo is like; yayeeeee darliiiing!! you will break this leather sofaset yawa, its leather came from a very weak animal, orang outang found in the amason forest in brasil! if i could have known you are being haunted by the 3D images from this 50 inch LED, ningenunua a slightly smaller LED yawa! let me pause it so that i sit on that other leather sofaset from a mammoth's hide, it is an extinct animal that had tough hide, but the french kept it in louvre museum for customers like me. now you can jump on me the way you like without fear or favor! 5minutes later...omollo's wife jumps on him again screaming...... omollo; yayeee aswito wuotiss?! he calls his son from his room, 'juniaaaa, kuja uchukue mama yako muchese nayeye PS4 kwa room yako, hii imemsinda!' ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my Brother-in-law." ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/31/2008 Posts: 7,081 Location: Kenya
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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McReggae wrote:A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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Mwanaume ni kurudi nyumbani kwa bibi yake after a week with a clande, na kusema he was one of the hostages The way I am
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/1/2010 Posts: 3,024 Location: Hapa
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 Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. - Muhammad Ali🐝
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/1/2010 Posts: 3,024 Location: Hapa
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@Kaigangio, have you seen @liver and @kidney? Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. - Muhammad Ali🐝
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