stolen//

A LETTER FROM A MAN FROM NYANDO TO THE PRESIDENT...

Dear President Ohuru,

His Excellency, EGH CBS GHC ICC UHURU PARK JKUAT KU K24 254 STRONG HOLD THARAKA NITHI KIAMBU JICHO PEVU MOHA LAPTOP KENCALL ONYANGO OLOO TNA SUPREME COURT UNANIMOUS DECISION OSWAGO IEBC TJRC EKATRINA Rais Ohuru Kinyatta, I have accepted the results and moved on, congratulations wuod kinyatta.

I have a plethora of issues i want to inaugurate to your attention even though i voted in a different darecson. first of all i am situated at a locus congruent to jane anyango adika aka sirikali tafadhali, ako saidi mbaya kabisaa, and the man with the same name twice miguna miguna who is nolonger peeling back the mask but is peeling back the water from his house, also a victim of the raging floods.

issue number one; as you come to nyando to bid jaduong' okuta farewell make sua we nabeba laptop. and dont bring ati ooh tosiba, ooh compaq, oooh lenovoo, oooh akiani sonitec oooh.....noooo!! kama we naleta laptop, lete macbook air and macbook pro and above. kama we apana leta iso nyando does not want inferior technoloyogy. kama mbaya kabisa we alete DELL.

issue number two; ngina kenyatta is ready for cooking buana. we have able bodied men here in nyando who can take her to statehouse albeit romantically. infact we nakaribiswa kuwa semeji yangu kwa sababu mimi iko handsome mar hatari. mimi iko na 8 pack let alone six pack, mimi iko na solda kubwa kama salary ya MPs. halafu mimi iko na mach, yien, osiki, luth, lungwata, bolinga, masin below my waist and thats why mi iko itwa jamach piere minimum-because i can impregnate a woman in menopause. am willing and able.

issue number three; buana Gor Mahia kogalo nyam nyam mayienga yiengo piny sirikal yore is playing with soni suga on sunday, we najua iyo donge? sasa sisi naomba ivi; kuja na rabuon or what i call in my native language solanum tuberosum, or in my venacular potatoes. ambia ruto wuod kalenjin ye akimbie huku na majan ya kupika chae. watu ya gor will bring sugar from that game on sunday.

issue number four; buana for the floods we dont want a ferry, we want the titanic to ferry us to ahero, number okana, korowe etc across the raging floods..

Finally wuod omera, sisi kama watu ya nyando na nyansa at large nakaribisa wewe kwa fujo na nderemo, na sisi hata propel mawe kwako saasawa. sisi hapana iko na mawe, sisis iko na gadgets. buana sisi iko learneeed, dont look at us like this athisa. you need us and we also need you. baas, barua naisa, tukutane kwa mazisi ya mwalimu teacher jaduong' okuta. i'll be sitting at the tent near the kitchen.

yours learned sitisen of nyando and the aluora within,
jaduong'

#COPYRIGHT2013

C& P

Johnny was in a restaurant yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. he finished his coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at him....

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.

Teacher: What does the Green
colour in the National Flag
represent??
Otieno: ( Shouting) Gor Mahia!
Kamau: ( Shouting) MPESA!
Mogaka: (Shouting ) Mandizi!
Kiplagat: (Shouting) Majani Chai!
Murungi: (Shouting) Miraa!
Mohamed : Cactus
Davie: Afya Center. (have never
stepped out of Nai)
Baraza: (Shouting) MULIRO
GARDENS!
Musyoka: (In a low voice) Aki ya
Ngai iyo Siyui

Wah,

Dude goes to work with 2 Black eyes.!
BOSS: What happened?
DUDE: I was in Church, sitting behind a big Lady and when we stood up to sing hyms, I noticed her dress was caught in her butt crack,so I kindly pulled it out for her. Then she turned around and punched me in the Eye.
BOSS: Ok, so where did U get the
2nd Black eye?
DUDE: Well I figured she didn't want
it out, so I pushed it back in

mundu nu? ni kiarie?

Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant... That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree…

Caller: Oh… God!!

Celebration of a LUOpean life well lived...

It is with deep sorrow and humble acceptance of God's will that we announce the passing on of Dr. MBChb. CBS. CPA. JJJ Okoth Okoth of John Hopkins hospital, USA. Son to the late prof. Eng. Okoth senior(England) and learned wife Msc. Phil. LLM. Okoth Darling(England). Brother to Emeritus Oluoch Pamba(moscow). Father to 2011 KCSE top student Okoth jr. Of Maranda(Kenya) and kiswahili top student nyanza province Babie Agal (Kisumu girls, Kenya). Brother-in-law to Masazuki suzuki Oluoch(JAPAN).

The cadaver of the late will be flown to Kenya via the cheapest private chartered JET or Jaluo's Exclusive Transport, worth 100million on 19th March 2012, followed by a short prayer service that will take place at his chalbi drive off convent home-lavington home on 20th March 2012 at 0900 GMT. Then the cortege consisting of a fleet of the latest models will leave for his well landscaped home in sakwa bondo. Come one come all, take neither breakfast nor lunch, catering by Hilton hotel caterers. Just carry your tears, your tastebuds and your vocal cords.

Laktar, we loved you, toyota landcruiser vx loved you, cruiseship loved you, Hawaii loved you,K'Ogallo loved you, samsung company loved you, apple company loved you, LG loved you, DT Dobie loved you, postpaid loved you, universities loved you, 5 star hotels loved you, continents loved you, but God loved you more. Fare thee well laktar. and you didnt even say.