Sex And Good Grammar


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, » This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up

…with a dangling participle.

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you
AND THE SAGA CONTINUES... .....
You should know what you are
Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ...
"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!
and the life goes on........

.A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweat-ing and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

RYAN GIGGS

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

C&P

Bubba
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started…

Siwezi lewa
Siwes lewa
si we si lewa
si wewe lewa
siwes elewa
silewasilewelewasi hic

Julie Gichuru - Dettol soap; Wahu - Rexona; Esther Wahome - Lifebuoy; Mama Sam Wanjiru - PANGA SOAP!