C & P


Pure Kamba

My gundness jamani - this is
too funny!!



A Kamba is buying a TV.

"Do you have color TVs?"

"Sure."

"Give me a green one, please."

---

A Kamba calls KQ "How long does it take to fly to Machakos?"

"Just a second plse... ," says the rep.

"Thank you", says the Kamba and cuts the line.

---

A Kamba proposes to a woman.

She says, "Yes, if you'll bring me a pair of crocodile boots."

He sets off to Maasai Mara and disappears.

Finally a search team finds him hunting a huge crocodile.

He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims,

"The 70th damn croc and this mbugger is also barefeet!"

---

A Kamba goes into a store and sees a shiny object.

He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."

The Kamba then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The Kamba says, "I'll take one!"

The next day, he walks into the office with his new thermos.

His boss asks, "Wow, you have a Thermos! What do you have in it?"

The Kamba replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Coke."

---

A Kamba went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell it to Kambas," he replied.

The Kamba hurried home removed his beard and changedhis hair style
then came back and again told the salesman.

"I would liketo buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," Salesman replied.

"Damn, he still can recognize me," he thought.

He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new
outfit, big sunglasses, then
waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Kambas," he replied.





Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Kamba?"

"That's because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.

A man is taking a walk along langata road . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.A policeman who was watching ...the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can readit in all the newspapers: "Brave Langata resident saves the life of little girl". The man says: -"But I am not a resident of Langata !" Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: "Brave Nairobian saves life of little girl" - the policeman answers, "But I am not a Nairobian - says the man.. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: "I am a from Somalia. "The next day the newspapers wrote: "TERRORIST KILLS AN INNOCENT DOG".

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's

electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the

Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

C&P


A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, ass****...when I fired the pistol my wife sh*t on my face, bit 3 inches off my d*** and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

C&P

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT STRESS IS?

A beautiful girl asks you for a ride home. On the way she faints and you take her to hospital.

The doctor says; Congratulations!!!!.You are going to become a father;

THAT'S IT. YOU GET STRESSED.

You say; But that baby is not mine;
The girl says; he is the father of my baby;

YOU GET MORE STRESSED.

…and to prove your innocence demand a DNA test. The police arrive, and a DNA test is done.
The report comes in according to which you are infertile and can never become a father.

WHAT? YOU GET EVEN MORE STRESSED!.

Anyhow you thank God that this ordeal is over, and start driving home.


.............. And then you start thinking; At home I already have 2 kids.

Whose are those????

NOW THAT’S WHAT REAL STRESS ACTUALLY IS!!!

@intel

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes." The man said,"I think I want 1 million dollars in my bank account.POOF!It happened! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. His final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates

C&P
NEW EMPLOYMENT RULES
SICK DAYS


We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you
are able to come into work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their
time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations,allegations,accusations,contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWnPbR43oOU

C&P

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.