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Rank: Chief Joined: 3/24/2010 Posts: 6,779 Location: Black Africa
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Rank: Chief Joined: 3/24/2010 Posts: 6,779 Location: Black Africa
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leona wrote:To surprise her husband an executive’s wife decided to stop by his office. On entering the office, she saw the secretary on her husband’s laps. In order to defend himself the husband said “budget cut or no budget cut management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat!''
Dad asked his son: whenever I beat you how do you stop your anger?
Son replies: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad asked: How does that help you?
Son: I clean it with your tooth brush.
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
 GOD BLESS YOUR LIFE
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/26/2008 Posts: 745
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 2/18/2010 Posts: 94 Location: Nairobi
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"
The husband replied. "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began.....
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued....
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
" Please. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/13/2009 Posts: 1,950 Location: in kenya
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C&P "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!” '......to the acknowledgment of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; 3 In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.' Colossians 2:2-3
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2009 Posts: 26,325 Location: Masada
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selah wrote:C&P
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!” Portfolio: Sold
You know you've made it when you get a parking space for your yatcht.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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selah wrote:C&P
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!” i havent laughed so hard in a while!!!!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 2/7/2007 Posts: 11,935 Location: Nairobi
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.Hiyo Steven bure kabisa. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/23/2009 Posts: 2,375
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place... ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes.. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt...
-Mark Twain
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
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Innocence at its best:
A kid, after being scolded at by his mom (sitting sadly)
Dad : What happened son?
Kid : Dad, I can’t handle your wife anymore!
I want my own wife!
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and You were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
Beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a sh! otgun in
My face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you
to Jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from the cheek and says " I wish i took the
jail option since i would have gotten out of jail today walking as a free
man
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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>> >
>> > A little girl was talking to her teacher about
>> > whales.
>> >
>> > The teacher said it was physically impossible for
>> a
>> > whale to swallow a
>> > human because even though it was a very large
>> mammal
>> > its throat was very
>> > small.
>> >
>> > The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by
>> a
>> > whale.
>> >
>> > Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
>> could
>> > not swallow a
>> > human; it was physically impossible.
>> >
>> > The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will
>> > ask Jonah".
>> >
>> > The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
>> >
>> > The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
>> > of children while
>> > they were drawing. She would occasionally walk
>> > around to see each
>> > child's work.
>> >
>> > As she got to one little girl who was working
>> > diligently, she asked what
>> > the drawing was.
>> >
>> > The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
>> >
>> > The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows
>> what
>> > God looks like."
>> >
>> > Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
>> > drawing, the girl
>> > replied, "They will in a minute."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
>> > Commandments with her
>> > five and six year olds.
>> >
>> > After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
>> > Father and thy Mother,
>> > she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us
>> > how to treat our
>> > brothers and sisters?"
>> >
>> > Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
>> of
>> > a family) answered,
>> > "Thou shall not kill."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
>> > mother do the dishes
>> > at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
>> > mother had several
>> > strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
>> > her brunette head.
>> >
>> > She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
>> > "Why are some of your
>> > hairs white, Mom?"
>> >
>> > Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
>> > something wrong and
>> > make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns
>> > white."
>> >
>> > The little girl thought about this revelation for
>> a
>> > while and then said,
>> > "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are
>> white?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The children had all been photographed, and the
>> > teacher was trying to
>> > persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
>> > picture.
>> >
>> > "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when
>> > you are all grown up
>> > and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or
>> > 'That's Michael, He's a
>> > doctor.'
>> >
>> > A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
>> "And
>> > there's the
>> > teacher, She's dead. "
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation
>> of
>> > the blood. Trying to
>> > make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if
>> I
>> > stood on my head,
>> > the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I
>> > would turn red in the
>> > face.."
>> >
>> > "Yes," the class said.
>> >
>> > "Then why is it that while I am standing upright
>> in
>> > the ordinary
>> > position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
>> >
>> > A little fellow shouted,
>> >
>> > "Cause your feet ain't empty."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
>> > Catholic elementary
>> > school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
>> > large pile of apples.
>> > The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
>>
>> >
>> > "Take only ONE. God is watching."
>> >
>> > Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
>> > end of the table was a
>> > large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
>> >
>> > A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
>> God
>> > is watching the
>> > apples
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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THIS IS QUITE A CONFESSION
Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a
busy Sunday.
They agreed its so difficult preaching to people all the time
and no one preaches to them.
Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks one
pastor thought of sharing his heart with others.
He said " guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among
ourselves like this. It would be good if we look into our lives
and help each other with our weaknesses". They all agreed to
this.
This pastor said " Gentlemen I need help! The people in my
church give a lot of money every week. I started taking little by
little but now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the
church please pray for me. The day they will find out I will be
fired"!
Another pastor said "brothers your sins are better than mine! I
have slept with every women in the church including married
women. As I preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking
for the next prey. If this is discovered people will not fire me,
they will kill me!"
The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he had a big story to tell. He stood up and said " My brothers my problem is gossip! I cant sit
anymore. I have to share this! I will be back!
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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A Kikuyu and an American man are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from London to Bermuda. The American man leans over to the
Kikuyu and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Kikuyu just wants
to take a nap, so He politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch
a few winks.
The American man persists and explains that the game is real easy and
is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know
the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Kikuyu politely declines and tries
to get to sleep.
The American man, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know
The answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you
$100!" This catches the Kikuyu's attention, and he sees no end to this
torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The American asks the
first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Kikuyu doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a
five dollar bill and hands it to the American, now, it's the Kikuyu's turn.
He asks the American "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on
four?" The American looks up at him with a puzzled look. H! e takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air
phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers-all to no avail. After
about an other hour, he wakes the Kikuyu and hands him $100. The Kikuyu
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
American, more than a little miffed, shakes the Kikuyu and asks "Well, so
what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Kikuyu reaches into his wallet, hands the American $5,
and turns away to get back to sleep.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/26/2008 Posts: 745
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huyo kiuk ni serious
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Rank: Member Joined: 4/30/2010 Posts: 241
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one day when moi was tha prezzo did what he liked most.paying impromptu visits to institutions,making impromptu decisions and finaly having an impromptu harambee. But that day he paid a visit to Mathari hosi to see how things are going with the usual convoy of outriders,ma karao,and stalwarts on tow. Inside mathari wachizi who were responding well to medicines were taken aback by this peculiar 'patient'. One patient named omari went to his one of his friend and said to him "this old man must be seriously ill" why? asked the friend."when i was brought here, i was escorted by one policeman,this is escorted by more than two hundred karaos.But omari, seeing how events were unfolding,decided to know who is this 'patient' who is guarded like hell.Lucky he was,and he managed to chat a few word with the man. Omari:my name is omari from tanzania and what is your name???.Moi was surprised that this man didnt know him but he proceeded to introduce himself. Moi:my name is toroitich arap moi president of kenya. Omari busted out laughing and said,"when i was brought here i was calling myself President Nyerere of tanzania just wait n see the kind of medicines they will administered to you". ukiona choo kwa ndoto usiingie, ni mtego!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2009 Posts: 26,325 Location: Masada
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Ha ha. Portfolio: Sold
You know you've made it when you get a parking space for your yatcht.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/5/2010 Posts: 95 Location: Nairobi
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Ati the IIEC does NOT stand for ile ile Electral Commission!!!
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/5/2010 Posts: 95 Location: Nairobi
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Funny Facts- C & P
Failure
is not when your girlfriend leaves you, it's only when you leave her a virgin.
>>>
Tension
is when wife is pregnant!
Terror
is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror
is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy
is when you are not responsible for both!
>>>
>>>
>>> ********
>>> The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10%
>>> enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
>>>
>>>
>>> ********
>>> Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?
>>> To see if you really mean it!
>>>
>>>
>>> *********
>>> Why is sex similar to shaving?
>>> Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> *********
>>> Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
>>>
>>> *****
>>> Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls "Olympic sex".
>>>
>>> Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
>>> >
>>> Wife: Not really… It only happens once in 4 years.
>>>
>>>
>>> *****
>>>
>>> The stock markets now are like an old man's d***. Just refusing to rise and the irony is that everyone is still getting f*****!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> *****
>>> This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan "We stare because we
>>> care!"
>>>
>>> ******
>>> The saddest part of a man's body are his balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> *****
>>> A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
>>> Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
>>>
>>> Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
>>>
>>>
>>> Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> **********
>>> What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
>>> Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result
>>> of standing cock.
>>>
>>>
>>> *********
>>> If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
>>> Tit-Bits.
>>> And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
>>> Banana split.
>>>
>>>
>>> *******
>>> What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?
>>> In a bomb blast, population decreases & if a condom blasts, population increases.
>>>
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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Copy-paste
A young smart Luo (Otieno) from Maseno walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening on Kenyatta Avenue with a beautiful young kikuyu gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend (Wambui).
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a Kshs 5,000 ring and showed it to him. The Luo man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only Kshs 250,000," the jeweler said.
Wambui's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The young man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the young man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the young luo man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Thanks!!!!!!!! Shred the cheque
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