The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary. The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions. "Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world" "Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world" "Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway" At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you" As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four conditions". He beckoned the Cardinal over and as the Cardinal bent down towards him, the Pope whispered in his ear ... "Big Tits!".
****************
There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound. After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died. When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name. The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."
**************
A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"
*************
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

@youcan'tstopusnow I hope u copy paste all this stuff....coz it is too much..ama u r atypist that can not be stopped now?

Overheard in a matatu stage;

Conductor: Bano Sabini, Bano sabini!

Passenger: Aiiih nawe, si imekuwa 40bob tu saa hii!

Conductor: Fare hapa ni kama supa ongea, mara ni 80 sense (Cents) Mara ni 80 Bob! -

Good one.

Kali!

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...

Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?
****************
Try saying these 10 times fast...

Caution Golfers Crossing
Sun Shine City
Toy Boat
Unique New York
Mixed Biscuits
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
Ship Shape Shitheads

One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top...
The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be
able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you
wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins
throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should
be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B.
Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well, without
me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of
blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was beginning to get
annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole
and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all
of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the
asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole.''

So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble
moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going,
everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open
up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.'' The asshole smiled,
''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!''
so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this
story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". f*** off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the f***ing ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you f***ing pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the f***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f***ing does!! What? Are they going to f***ing do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!