By Marcus Olang.

There's one particular aspect from my last post that seems to have struck a chord with many people. The element of workplace abuse. So I want us to deconstruct it together.

Friday. You're probably relieved - excited even - that the weekend is here. For some, it's the fact that we get to spend a little time with family, friends, or with ourselves. (I'm one of the people who particularly enjoy that last option.)
For others, however, the joy that comes with the weekend is for a much darker reason: An escape from the black hole that is your workplace.

So let's talk about abusive bosses and abusive workplaces.

We can work with a very simple rule to decipher this one: If it can happen in a relationship, then it can happen in the workplace. Regardless of whether it's physical abuse, or emotional abuse: If it can happen in a [romantic] relationship, then it can happen in the workplace.

Physical abuse is somewhat well-known and evident. Which is why I'd like us to focus on emotional abuse, and show how it's a very real thing that may even be happening to you without you realising it. And for purposes of this specific conversation, we shall think about emotional abuse and psychological abuse as being the same thing.

Emotional abuse is about control. The abuser wants to control your thoughts, your feelings, your actions. And the abuser uses several tools of manipulation that they wield so masterfully, you hardly recognise what's happening as abuse.

1. Name-calling. This one is rather clear: Your boss / colleague keeps referring to you as stupid, incompetent, lazy... the list goes on. Where it's of concern is when such comments are genuinely unwarranted, and you know it.

2. Gaslighting. This one is a little more nuanced. Have you ever been in a situation where you had a conversation with someone, you were sure they said one thing, and the next time you talk about it with them, they completely deny ever saying such a thing? For example, you were to meet at 2pm, you guys talk and agree on meeting another time, then at 2.05pm, the person is unleashing hell upon you for not being there while denying ever postponing or cancelling? And this is a thing that keeps happening repeatedly, to the point where you wonder whether you're the one whose memory / sense of organisation is off? To the point where you're questioning your sanity? That's what gaslighting is.

3. Constant threats. They are always threatening to fire you. Or demote you. Or cut your salary. Or report you to the boss. (Especially where they are close to the boss - because abusers are also very good at keeping up appearances with the higher-ups.) There's always a threat looming over your head.

4. They are always right. This is a pattern with most emotionally manipulative people - they are never wrong. Or rather, they will never admit to being wrong.

5. Constant criticism. When a person hardly ever has anything good to say about anything you've done, it's often really just an attempt to get you to doubt yourself and bow to their whims. This is especially effective with public criticism - in meetings, on email threads, in work WhatsApp groups... It can take many forms.

6. Isolation. This happens in two ways. Either you start getting isolated within the workplace, with parallel conversations happening about you but that don't involve you, or you're saddled with so much that you effectively no longer have time to spend with your support system (family & friends). You find yourself feeling alone at work, alone at home, and alone in life.

7. Shaming & belittling. This one isn't as obvious as name-calling, neither is it as nuanced as gaslighting. It's somewhere in between, typically characterised by snide remarks, often in your presence. And when you react to them, you're labelled "too sensitive". So your ability to react next time is cut down - which eventually starts feeding into a cycle of gaslighting.

8. (Final one for now:) Lack of privacy. Workplaces and bosses that monitor your every activity. And I mean, EVERY activity. The time you spend at your desk, your bathroom breaks, your relationships at the office, your phone calls, your browser activity... For some, even going as far as you having to justify what you're doing over the weekend so that you're not called in for some emergency / crisis. You feel suffocated. You have no room to breathe, no room to just be.

If you recognise a combination of these different patterns, you're likely in an abusive workplace, or working with an abusive boss /colleague.

I have been in such a space. It's not an easy space to be in. Because we spend a solid amount of our waking hours at work, abuse will slowly chip at you. Erode your sense of worth. Get you to question your very essence and being. Get you to doubt yourself. Very possibly drive you into depression and despair.

You mustn't allow it to.
You must not.

There are a few things you could do. Neither one of them is easy, but taking action to protect you heart and your mind is essential.
i. You could call it out. An abuser gets significantly disarmed when you call out the abuse for what it is. They often don't expect it. So calling it out lets them know that you know what's happening, and you're drawing a line.
ii. You could leave. Remove yourself from the situation. I know: Doesn't sound like the best thing to advise, knowing how tough the times are and how sparse money is becoming. But I firmly believe that your mind needs to outlast the money. So if you feel like you're losing yourself, it's fine to leave.

Those are my suggestions: Call it out, or cut it out.
Whichever way you decide to handle it, know that you're worth more than what someone else is trying to make you believe.

And let's not become abusers ourselves.
We can be better.
Regardless of whether it's a culture you've found there.
Regardless of whether it's something that's considered normal there.

We can be better.