The Pope and Jacob Zuma died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Jacob Zuma went to
heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Jacob Zuma coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Jacob Zuma,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Zuma: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Zuma: "You're a day late"

ZEBIDDAYO MANYIGATULO
C/O MUWOGO AKAAWA
PRIMARY SCHOOL
P.O.BOX 123
ENSAWOYO ETOBA
KYEBONGOTOKO LANE .


To : The Personnel manager

RE: Replacement of the dead manager

I refer to the recent death of the manager at your company and i wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.

Each time I apply for employment ,I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I even attended the funeral and all burial process and made sure that I hear from you who will take up the position. All I can remember is you saying that he will be difficult to replace meaning there is no one at the moment.

It's sad that he has left us but at least I benefit as he has left a vacancy for me.

I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. He was my neighbour and it will be easy for me to continue with his legacy because I was seeing the time he was coming for work and knocking off.
I will be sending my pictures whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed.

Thanks for advertising the funeral because I could not have known.

Yours
smiling,

ZEBIDDAYO MANYIGATULO

Kamau, woke up after the annual office Easter party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Llilian," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

20 Ways to Say "Your Fly Is Open"

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long
business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an
extremely
healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little
something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He
went
to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the
old
man behind the counter. He explained his situation.


The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos,
special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except---"
and he stopped.


"Except what?" the man asked.


"Nothing, nothing."


"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"


"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is The Voodoo Penis." The old man reached under
the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box,
carved
with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it,
and
there laid an ordinary-looking dildo.


The businessman laughed and said, "Big deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop!


"The old man replied, "But you haven't
seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and
said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo
Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to
the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door
shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a
crack
began to form down the middle.


Before the door split, the old man said, "Voodoo
Penis,
return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated
back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.


"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo
Penis, my crotch."


After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was
unbearably
horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed,
opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started
working
it's magic. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing
she'd ever experienced before. After three
mind-shattering
orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd
had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck
and
still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out,
but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to
shut
it off!


Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if
they
could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started
to drive, quivering with what was beginning to be
pain.
On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her
swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this
and immediately
pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then
asked
how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink,
officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing
stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"






The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head
and
in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo
Penis, my ass...."

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'

You two are nuts.....kabisa!!! ....Na hii Tarzan ni bure kabisa.Anapiga mboga?

How to Treat a Rude Customer

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled.
She was the lone attendant in charge of Re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
But I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began.
With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said,
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

..A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A wife wanted to surprise her husband on a valentine's day. She thought really hard what special gift would impress him. Finally she decided to buy him a dozen underpants.
She took the gift to him. He was quite impressed but upon opening it he asked his wife "My Dear thank you for the gift, but why are they of the same color?"
The wife asked in a suprised manner "Is it bad to have them be of the same color?"The husband replied "People will think that i never change my underpants"
The wife retorted "which people?"