Dear Mister Terrorist Sir,
RE: WE CAN DO BAD ALL BY OUR-SELF
Mr Terrorist,
I hope this finds you well, and I hope you’re having a blast. No pun intended. Okay maybe a little pun. Please don’t blow me up. I know as you read this, you were probably mixing some fertilizer in a plastic bottle for a bomb or trying out a nice camera for you to make a threatening video and upload it on you tube. Put down the bottle and read this. Put down the bottle slowly. Don’t blow yourself up just yet.
See, Mr Terrorist Sir, I know you take great pride in your workmanship as you thoroughly enjoy your job and always have a blast while at it. Now, Mr Terrorist, there is a little matter I would like to bring up with you. It involves the way you execute your duties. I know you have recently expanded your portfolio to include buses and hotels and shopping malls and pubs and restaurants and churches. And believe me you’re doing a hell of a job. We are all very terrified. No doubt that was your goal.
Mr terrorist, i am however concerned that as much as you’re trying to be the bad guy here, unfortunately Kenyans are outdoing you. I mean, we can do bad all by ourselves. I know you’re probably wondering what I mean by that. Look Mr terrorist, you came and shot 70 of us at the Westgate mall. In retaliation, we killed over 3000 of our own in road crashes. 3000, sir. Then this year you decided you felt a craving for churches and shot up babies in a church at the coast. Do you know, Mr Terrorist, that while you were busy shooting the milk bottles off the hands of toddlers and infants, we were letting thousands of them die of curable diseases like malaria and cholera? Come on, Mr Terrorist, even you have to admire that.
Mr Terrorist, can I call you Mr T? No? Okay. See, recently you played around with some grenades and killed ten in buses on their way home. And the following day we outdid you. We killed 90 using illicit brew. Pure ethanol. Can you believe that? In less than 96 hours! You can’t beat that, sir.
Mr Terrorist, I know you hate us. But the evidence here suggests that we hate ourselves more. So I would suggest that you just leave us alone. If you want us dead, trust me we can accomplish that all by our lonesome self. Our university students can be relied upon to block roads and rob and harass motorists whenever they deem fit. Our power company can be relied upon to throw the entire country into blackouts at their convenience. Our bus drivers will happily crash their buses without the aid of grenades thrown into their windows. Did you notice, that of all the buses that had grenades thrown at them, none crashed? And that of all the buses that crashed, none had grenades thrown at them? Mr terrorist whenever we feel like getting shot at, our police are always very eager to comply and they shoot all manner of projectiles at us. From live bullets to tear gas cannisters to rubber bullets. Or is it our economy that you would love to see destroyed? We are doing a splendid job of that already. We are paying off anglo leasing companies amounts of money that we cannot afford. And have you seen the wage bill? Or the way we are taxed? How did you not notice all this Mister Terrorist while you were doing your research? Have you seen how our matatu conductors extort money in the name of bus fare? Especially when it rains, El Terroriste. You would be forgiven to believe that it rains money. La Terrorista, imagine we are worse than you. And I do not mean that in a competitive manner. Don’t blow this out of proportion. Just that we can achieve and exceed your requirements just as we are. We use less dramatic means to achieve bigger results. That is called working smart, Il Terroristi. The rainy season is almost here. I know that is a foreign concept where you are from, sir. But we shall have floods. I mean huge masses of water from the heavens flowing furiously in one direction. Wait and hear how many we managed to wipe off the face of the earth without firing a shot. Oh, and have you heard that now Cervical cancer is an STD?I bet you know cancer is worse than HIV...and just that you know, we got an appetite for the forbidden fruits, I mean we sleep around...several partners, unprotected...believe me we are smarter than you in finishing ourselves. So, if it is death toll you are looking for, we out toll you, son.
Go home Mister Terrorist. You are tired. And sleepy. We shall only frustrate you. Instead, go home and watch from a distance. Given enough time, we shall destroy ourselves. We are already on self-destruction mode. Or better still; send your people here for training. We make much better terrorists than y’all. Don’t wish us bad things. Like I said, we can do bad all by ourselves.
Regards.