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Rank: Elder Joined: 1/17/2013 Posts: 4,693 Location: Earth
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washiku wrote:dunkang wrote:Rankaz13 wrote:Dod wrote:A Salvadorean nun who said she had no idea she was pregnant gave birth in Italy this week.
“I did not know I was pregnant. I only felt a stomach pain,” the nun was quoted as saying at the hospital, the Italian news agency ANSA reported.
Her fellow nuns were quoted saying they were “very surprised”.
(Italian news agency ANSA reported).
 Hapa kuna mtu who's being economical with the truth. Not even the missed parliamentary sessions? UnHoly Spirits did it, maybe Someone said that probably on that fateful night when other nuns heard her cry "Oh my God Oh my God" maybe she wasn't really praying...  lmao!
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor… Wife pulls him up and cleans everything. Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads: “Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I loveyou.” He asks his son about what happened last night, his son told: When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady! Leave me alone… I’m married!”
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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washiku wrote:A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the
floor… Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry
with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his
surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads:
“Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave
early to buy groceries. I loveyou.”
He asks his son about what happened last night, his son told:
When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots
and shirt.. you were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady!
Leave me alone… I’m married!” Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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KENYAN ASSASSINS FACEBOOKING. WESTGATE VALUABLES UPDATES: "Manze hawa wasee wa KDF ni vigeugeu LOL!" MINERAL WATER: unajaribu kusema aje mboss! VALUABLES: nasema tulitoka kwa madrawers na mashelves za westgate, tukapanda mathree mpaka kwa makeja zao. Nyinyi mineral water ndio mlibebwa kwa zile mapolythene bags ama? MATTRESSES: @valuables, manze enyewe mko na point, iyo story mi nashuku. Mi pia ole lenku alisema ati mi ndio niliua alshabaab manze. Niliwashika nikawachoma WOTE, sita kati ya hao tano walikufa! BILLBOARD: pwahaha! Waah afadhali nyinyi, mi nilichukua gun nikashoot gari ya wetangula BULB: @billboard, unafaa usharpen skills zako za kushoot boss, ulinilet down mbaya! BILLBOARD: mi ata niko confused, sijui nilimshoot ama mi ndio niligongwa, nimesahau hata, nimeshikwa na ukidero. Btw @bulb, we ni alshabaab?? BULB: @billboard, shhhh me ni alshabulb, usiniseti! Mi ni bright widow, si ndio wale hu-cause blast na bado tunalenga! KIMAIYO: #following #VALUABLES REMOVES POST. Jaduong' Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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I use Ngong rd everyday & traffic is just unbearable,but since I started eating Quail eggs,I have seen great improvement,there are no more cars on the roads,pedestrians are more organized. There is no more traffic jam,its just amazing!! #ConfessionsofaQuailUser
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Once Kiprotich was traveling in a train from Nakuru to Nbi. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train KShs 100/= to wake him up when they arrived at the station. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for KShs 100/ enyewe Kiprotich surely deserved more service. So, when Kiprotich fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When they arrived at Nbi Railway Station, Kiprotich was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw himself in the mirror. Said his wife "What's the matter?" He replied "The cheat on the train has taken KShs 100/= and woken up someone else!!"
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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A woman goes to Mozambique to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. She answers : “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?” The husband laughs and says: “A Mozambican girl !!!” The woman keeps quiet and leaves. Two weeks later he picked her up at the airport and asked: “So, honey, how was the trip?” “Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my gift?” “What gift?” She asked. “The one I asked for – the Mozambican girl, do you remember ?” “Oh, that” she said. “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!” The husband fainted*
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE… TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I’m married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type. 4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I’m not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I’m not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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2014 KCSE leaked 1. Discuss the fall of Manchester united and the rise of Liverpool in relation to season 2013/14 (20mks) 2. Explain the biological changes which has seen the transformation of Manchester united to Womanchester (18mks) 3. Chelsea 1st signed Nemaja Matic for 25m, sold him to Benifa at 2M and later resigned him for 24M.. prepare profit and loss account (12mks) 4.Differentiate between the Choosen one and the Special one (4mks) 5.Write an essay on this proverb "Old is Gold" in relation to Old Trafford (20mks) 6.calculate the probability of manchester united winning the next the game in relation to the previous performances (15mks) 7. Estimate the velocity at which man u is depreciating considering the new new manager (7mks)
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Maombi ya Manchester United(Stolen) Baba tunakuja mbele zako siku hii ya leo. Baba tunakutambua, wewe ndio mwenye uwezo, mwenye nguvu na mwenye hekima isiyo na mipaka. Baba sisi ni watenda dhambi na tunajinyenyekea na kusujudu mbele zako leo hii kukuomba mambo yafuatayo. Kwanza Baba tusamehe kwa kushabiki Red Devils miaka hizi zote, hatukujua na tunajipiga moyo konde kwa imani kuu utatusamehe kwa sababu wewe umejawa na rehema tele. Pili tunakuomba Baba umtume malaika wako wa uponyaji, malaika Raphaeli atunyunyuzie maji ya painkillers ili maumivu tuliyoletewa na Moyes yaishe. Tatu Baba tunaomba utume radi tatu kule Trafford. Radi ya kwanza imtandike David Moyes hadi apoteze fahamu ili tupate kocha mpya. Radi ya pili Baba imtandike Ashley Young na kumrusha kwenye maji ili awe samaki asirudi uwanjani tena. Radi ya tatu umtumie David Moyes tena ili ihakikishe amepoteza fahamu vizuri Ombi la nne Baba tunaomba mkono wako unyunyizie Manchester City zile baraka ambazo zilikua zetu ili hicho kikombe kisiende kwa wale washerati ya Merseyside au wale ma Pharisayo wa North London ambao walimsulubisha mwanao. Ombi la tano Baba tunakusihi uwatishie Gundogan, Reus na Juan Mata na vitisho vya moto ya jehanamu ili watie sahihi katika kitabu cha Old Trafford. La sita Baba tunakuomba uwafanye watu wote wa London wapoteze sauti zao ili tupate amani na ladha yetu ya maisha irudi. La saba Baba tunakuomba uingilie kati between sasa na May utuokoe kutokana na janga la relegation, tunakuomba utume malaika wako watubebe kutoka katikati ya meza hadi nambari ya 4….ama watubebe hadi nambari ya 5 tutambea sisi wenyewe hadi top 4. La nane Baba tuma uponyaji kwa miguu ya Robin Van Persie na mood swings za Wayne Rooney. Na iwapo Baba itatokea situation ambapo Rooney atahama tunakusihi Baba umnyang’anye nywele tena. La Tisa Baba ni asante kubwa kwa kutuondolea Anderson, twajua wewe hupata maombi mengi sana lakini twakuomba kama itawezekana uwafanye waliochukua Anderson warudi na kuwabeba Evra, Rio Ferdinand na kwa mara nyingine tena David Moyes. La kumi na la mwisho Baba ni ku kukumbusha kuhusu lile ombi la Tatu, tafadhali Baba usisahau kutuma hizo radi. Ni hayo tu baba, kwa niaba ya majeruhi wenzangu tunasema asante kwa hivyo vikombe vyote na usitusahau msimu ujao. Sisi bado ni watu wako Baba. Asante.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2007 Posts: 8,776 Location: Cameroon
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Marriage Bill Nyeri County Edition: 1. Kama mimi si mrebo,usiniabie ati mimi ni mrebo. Ati dio tu niweze kuigia box. Ama dio carton. Ogea ukweri. Sitakuuma. After all,si wewe uriniumba. So makosa si yako. 2. Ukinipromise utanipereka Zanzibar,tafathari timiza Ahadi. Si ati uniabie tutaeda Zanzibar arafu unipereke Nyahururu. Ama Sagana. Kwani Zanzibar yako inaedagwo na Boda Boda?? 3. Mimi ni mwanamke. Nahitaji kukaa vizuri. Na nahitaji kupewo pesa ya kujirebesa. Sio ati kazi tu ni kunipea shirigi hamsini hamsini kira mwezi. Unanipea hamsini nipereke wapi? Kwani ni sadaka?? 4. Tukikosana,WEWE DIO UKO KWA MAKOSA. ALWAYS. Na hatutabishana Kijana. Kubari makosa na unyamaze. Na mapenzi yaederee. 5. Kama ni date tafathari nipereke hoteri za guvu. Hoteri ziko na gumo. Nimechoka kuperekwo kwa Mama Waithera. Na nimechoka kutumia vikobe za mabati. Na kukaria viti za bao. 6. Kama mipago yako sio kunioa,tafathari kaa bari na mimi. Usiniretee mushene,ati 'Oh nakupeda,ati Oh,wewe nitaishi na wewe mirere'' arafu uniwashanishe kama lorry imeng'oka muguu kwa barabara. Kichwa yangu inagoga harusi,kama yako haigongi arusi,jipe suguri. 7. Nikiria unafaa unikamate taitly in your arms ukiniabia, 'Sorry baibe. It gonna be orait' sio ati mimi naria na wewe uko hapo unanikodorea maitho kama thinema. Mùgúrúki úyú. 8. Simu yagu ni yako. Na simu yako ni yagu. Hakuna cha ati 'dont tash my phone' . Actually,kira Wednesday tutakuwo tukibadirishana Sim Card. 9. Abia ma EX wako wote wakae bari na wewe. As far as possible. Kwanza wakiweza wahamie Meru. Kama hawataki kuchomwo kama mahidi. Na uwaabie wasiwahi kukutext. Kitu chochote. Ama wakati wowote. Ati kukuabia Gdnyt. Mimi dio nafaa kudecide the kind of night you will have. 10. Ukioba,lazima uobe kwa sauti. Sio ati ujifiche kwa kakona ati unaoba kimoyomoyo,razima niskie kire unaabia Mugu. Ama rabda unamwabia aniodoe kwa maisha yako. 11. Watu wetu wanakuwaga weda wazimu. Washana nao. 12. Razima uote na mimi. Every night. Either uote na mimi. Ama uote ukitegeneza pesa. Anythng else ni hatia. Na ukiota na mimi uhakikishe nimevaa vizuri. Sitaki kuaibishwo kwa doto mimi. 13. Sipedi kukiss. I think ni ujinga kumumunya mudomo ya mtu mwingine,kwani ni peremede ya KSL?? 14. Sinaga hobby. So,sitaki maswari za ujiga ati 'What is your hobby?' . Actuarry hobby yagu ni moja tu. Kukupeda. Iyo dio hobby yangu. 15. Utanipereka kwenyu rini? Harakisha. Napeda kutebea. 16. We will never break-up. Ukinipeda hauna bahati. Utanipeda mirere. Kama vire Yesu aripeda Kanisa. 17. Sipedi kushikwo mkono in public. Kwani mimi ni mtoto?? Ama wewe ni baba yagu?? 18. Energy Drinks nimekataa. Hizo haufai kukunywa...Unataka Energy ya nini??? Ya kuniwacha??? Ama ya kutoroka?? 19. Na pia sipedi kudara darwo ovyo ovyo. Unanidara kwani mimi ni Pages za Bible ya Juliani?? 20. S** tutakuwa tunafanya the godly way. Yaani ire styro ya kawaida ya mababu wetu. Sitaki ati uniretee styro zingine hapa za kishetani. Ati 'Oh rara ivi,ati Oh weka miguu nyuma ya kishwa...ati Oh twede kwa kiti...' Kwani wewe ni Devil Worshipper?? Anyway,KARIBU KWA ROHO YAGU. Yours Waitherero. TULIA.........UFUNZWE!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Ujaluo itamaliza watu.... Luo guy sent. KSh. 500 via mpesa on valentines day to His Kikuyu girlfriend .. The girlfriend gets so mad and calls him! NJERI: Swity seriously! Mapenzi yetu ni 500? Kwanza valentines? You so mean! I regret meeting you, Jarunda!!! Oti: Jaber , stop torturing yourself with lack of information! I only sent you M-pesa to get your full names. Am at DT dobie and I didn't know which names to put in the logbook..... ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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 Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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 Harley Davidson Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!" "Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Marriage A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Striking Up A Conversation Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?" Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Pet Lobsters After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?" Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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DAD: What's 10 plus 10? JOHNNY: I don't know. DAD: Idiot! You can't answer such a cheap sum...Your stupidity will kill you. JOHNNY: Daddy, if you saw a 1000 sh note and a 500 sh note which would you pick? DAD: 1000 of course JOHNNY: Idiot! Can't you pick both? Poverty will kill you ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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