INTERNAL MEMO
14th JAN, 2014

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FROM: HUSBAND

TO: ALL DEPENDANTS; RELATIVES; FRIENDS

CC: Wife

SUBJECT: 2014 BUDGET FINANCIAL MELTDOWN/ COST CUTTING MEASURES FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION

Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted.

1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express written permission from myself upon submission of an advance written request.

2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed!

3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by a qualified dietician’s report as supportive documentation.

4. Watering with a hose pipe is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water.

5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.

6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all- night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.

7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.

8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, kanjo or court bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from my house.

9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in my house shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken items.

10. All visitors intending to spend a night, week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town County Rep, Village Chief, or Pastor giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival.

THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!

Yours,

Me,

Owner and Head of the House, Mr. King,Financier, Husband, Dr., Implementor of Policies, and Advisor.

GUY: Is it true that Kikuyu chics answer questions with questions?

NJERI: Ngaaaii Who told you that?

AFRICAN PROVERBS THAT WILL CRACKYOUR RIBS:
1. When a man is stung by a bee, he does not destroy all beehives (Kenya).
2. The man who marries a beautiful woman and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem (Ethiopia).
3. A short man is not a boy (Nigeria).
4. No matter how hot your anger is, it cannot cook yams (Nigeria).
5. It requires a lot of care fullness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum (Ghana).
6. If the throat can grant passage to a knife, the anus should wonder how to expel it (Seychelles).
7. The frown on the face of the goat will not stop it from being taken to the market (Nigeria).
8. An old lady feels uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb(Ghana).
9. The same sun that melts the wax, hardens the clay(Niger).
10. If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there (Uganda).
11. There is no virgin in a maternity ward (Cameroon).
12. A child can play with its mother's breasts, but not its father's testicles(Guinea).
13. He who goes to sleep with an itching anus wakes up with smelly fingers (Nigeria).
Which one is your favorite??

Siku moja, Njoroge alikosa kazi ya
kufanya akaamua kwenda
kwenye mbuga za wanyama
ajifanye kuwa yeye ni nyani ili kila
anapocheza, anapewa pesa na
watalii. Akaelekea huko na
mpango wake ukafaulu kwa siku
ya kwanza. Alivaa mask usoni na
kuweka mkia wa bandia
akaonekana nyani. Alipocheza,
akapewa pesa na watalii.

Siku ya pili, akawa palepale kwenye
mbuga za wanyama na watalii
walipofika, akaanza kazi yake.
Alipokuwa akiendelea kucheza,
ghafla simba akatokea na kuanza
kumkimbiza Njoroge.
Akamkimbiza mbio nae Njoroge
kwa kuhofia maisha yake
akatimua mbio kuelekea penye
mti. Aliupanda mti haraka na
alipofika juu, yule simba
akamtazama kisha akatoa mask
kutoka usoni na kumwambia
Njoroge, "Usijali ndugu yangu. Ni
mimi mwenzako Kamau. Pia mimi
niko kazi huku."

Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: 'K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...... always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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