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verbally abusive husband
Rank: Member Joined: 7/31/2009 Posts: 743
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a man who drinks and yes gets home by nine pm in the evening totally drunk,and all he does is hurl insults at me and dwell on issues as old as ten years. I have two children and im worried for them especially my son who is older and has seen his dad being violent towards me for the longest time ever. I don't want him to grow up like him. I have been suffering in silence as someone wise told me if anyone makes you angry take a gulp of water and don't swallow...meaning you cant talk back to the person insulting or saying hurtful things......i feel i cant take this anymore...we are not legally married as there are no documents to verify that and he has never paid dowry so there is no customary marriage either.........i want out and want to ensure he pays for our kids upkeep and education........but he is so violent and is capable of even killing the kids and me..........what do I do? Character refers to moral Excellence. It involves honesty,self-control,thoughtfulness of others,religious loyalty,moral ideals,conscience and ability to inhibit impulses.
Problems can get out of proportion, and not only in the wee small hours. Don't let the problems eclipse the Master. Let the Master eclipse the problems.
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/2/2006 Posts: 519
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Gosh! You need to seek help. I'd advice if you're religious you seek advice and guidance from your pastor. Forget FIDA,they only have one view point.
Bright and interesting people talk about ideas.
Those of average intelligence talk about things.
Stupid people talk about other people.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 3/27/2009 Posts: 1,437
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Its time to get out before he injures/kills you or the Children. The fact that you have lived together (ten years?) should be enough ground to force him pay for the Kids upkeep legally ( a lawyer will advice accordingly). I think they call it acknowledgement of Paternity. Whatever you do,dont wait for him to kill you...move on now.
IGANA.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/20/2008 Posts: 1,126 Location: Nairobi
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FancyFace I am very sorry for what you are going through. That is a very serious thing. Talk to him when he is sober about getting help and I second the idea of getting it from a pastor/evangelist/spiritual counsellor. Try a lot to preserve the option of going through it together. Maybe there are some frustrations at home that he is trying to vent out but that is totally not the way to do it. HE REALLY NEEDS HELP. I do believe firmly that all marriages can work. You can try getting books like his needs her needs,Friends and Lovers,Love and Respect which are all marriage books that really fit your situation and will serve to show you that all is not lost. Also for your own sake you can read The Power of a Praying Wife. Keep praying and I'll end with words from the song When Mama Prayed by Randy Travis that goes 'When mama prayed,good things happen When mama prayed,lives were changed Not much more than five foot tall But mountains big and small crumbled all away When mama prayed' All the best!!!!!!! When we pray in praise to God,he makes a difference in our lives. JOIN MY FREE MINI-COURSE FOR WRITERS. CLICK HERE
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Rank: Member Joined: 2/25/2009 Posts: 56
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@ Fancy face after practising what Akowally says just in case it fails My 2 cents,if peace fails get out of that relationship as fast as possible,there is no need of raising kids who witness violence and in turn they will either become violent and abusive or cowards and ruin their lives. Do you work? if you do its time to start thinking of investing for your kids.... just incase baba watoto refuses to provide. At times we parents are selfish and stay in abusive relationships for our sake-dont want to be labeled as divorced etc and not the kids,in your sunset years when the kids have grown and become 'people' just because of the sacrifice you made they will not only thank you but you will be a happy parent. Now reverse you stay there the kids get affected psychologically and end up being 'nobodys' and make you unhappy for the rest of your golden years. I have met a number of women who wished they would have left earlier when they saw the signs but didnt,dont be a statistic on the number of people maimed by spouses. Think about it very soberly and hard,the choice is yours. 'Do all the good you can,by all the means you can,in all the ways you can, in all the places you can,to all the people you can,as long as ever you can'. John Wesley English Preacher (1703-1791) 'Do all the good you can,by all the means you can,in all the ways you can,
in all the places you can,to all the people you can,as long as ever you can'.
John Wesley
English Preacher (1703-1791)
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/20/2008 Posts: 1,126 Location: Nairobi
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I agree with what Lyra has said that whatever it is is not good for the kids neither. I will emphasize on the spiritual counselling part since these guys are really out to help you and not for money but for you. So if the first option doesn't work out,and only when you have given your best,you might have to separate,not divorce but separate so that the guy has an opportunity to work on himself. There will be the temptation to go back when he 'pretends' to change but I would strongly advise you to only go back when you have gone through some sort of counselling and he has gotten help. I know so many people who went back to the same old thing. Albeit,this forum is not enough since you need more consistent person based help,even for yourself,and due to the abuse,for the kids also. When we pray in praise to God,he makes a difference in our lives. JOIN MY FREE MINI-COURSE FOR WRITERS. CLICK HERE
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/23/2007 Posts: 441
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YOU SAID....'I have been suffering in silence!'
Malcolm X once said that anyone who agrees to sufer in silence is a FOOL!
He also said:
'Be peaceful,be courteous,obey the law,respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you,send him to the cemetery.'
'I don't even call it violence when it's in self defense; I call it intelligence'
sorry if I sound like a harsh critic but Malcolm X also noted:
I'f you have no critics you'll likely have no success.'
OnLy deaD FiSh gO WiTh tHe floW....!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/13/2009 Posts: 1,950 Location: in kenya
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kids who grow in abusive homes grow up with some kind of trauma which can impact negatively in their future lives.Most of them suffer from low self esteem or some kindof a complex which make relationship had to maintain. you can achive all things through Him(Jesus Christ) '......to the acknowledgment of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; 3 In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.' Colossians 2:2-3
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/20/2008 Posts: 1,126 Location: Nairobi
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@ jaribu ... she has decided to come out of the silence which is an honorable thing and puts her out of the 'fool's' bracket.....Malcolm X said all those things,I wonder what Jaribu says..... When we pray in praise to God,he makes a difference in our lives. JOIN MY FREE MINI-COURSE FOR WRITERS. CLICK HERE
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2009 Posts: 26,330 Location: Masada
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Malcolm-X said all those good things but how long did he live the face of this earth???Young woman,juz keep heart and pray.If u cant hold it anymore quit.You have more important things to do in life than just seating there and reading 'juicy quotes' from the world's former quote makers and keep a frowning face.Quit if u have to. The Hague...or Local Triburnal ama TJRC. Portfolio: Sold
You know you've made it when you get a parking space for your yatcht.
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Rank: Member Joined: 9/21/2006 Posts: 8
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For how long has he been abusive. its always easy to pick the negatives and fail to appreciate the positives. Pick a pen and paper,and write down all the negatives about your relationship and do the same for all the positives. Weigh out both and make a decision based on the outcome.
Also evaluate yourself,how do you treat your husband. I am a strong beliver in positive thinking and appreciation. If you treat him in a negative way,then dont expect anything else. Am sure for a relationship of 10yrs and 2kids has numerous positives. Look around you and thank God for what you have.
in your post,there is nothing positive you have said about your husband,.....nothing! Surely he cant be all that bad. If he comes home at 9,then thats something positive in my view. Treat him positively and he'll reciprocate.
For heavens sake dont quit,quiters are loosers. Dont think life will be better by running from problems. Take those problems as challenges and figure out how to address them.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/11/2008 Posts: 2,306
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Fancyface.... for the sake of your children and for your sake,it is important to have this situation resolved one way or the other soonest possible. Have you gotten someone he respects to talk to him? either relatives/parents or possibly a pastor? If you have and he is not ready to change,please leave fast. If you have not,please do. If he wont change please LEAVE and get legal assistance on the way. I believe that no one has a right to turn anyone else into a punching bag,and no one should stay in a abusive marriage just for the kids sake or because the pastor says so,or because of ''love'' Everyone has a right to a happy,peaceful life. Your kids deserve a loving family life where their father loves and respects their mother. God is good Great men are not always wise, neither do the aged understand judgement...
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436
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Not the very best thing to give relationship advice on the basis of only ONE partner's contribution,because as humans we tend to cast ourselve as angels,the victim,the one needing protection -while at the same time painting the other partner as the devil's principal assistant if not the devil incarnate himself. Such advise if often skewed -mostly in favor of the complaining party..
gets home by nine pm - partly good he's home that early and wakes up next to you. Some women can count on their fingers the number of times their menfok do that.
...dwell on issues as old as ten years...has never paid dowry - both stretch over a long time,could there be a link? could this be THE issue?
Fancy Face et al are all focussed on her and the 2 children.
Let me shift that illumination briefly to him kiasi:
Why does he insult you? What does his insults to you center on?
Do YOU keep revisiting the issue of him not legitimizing your marriage frequently,either when he's drunk or not? Could this be the trigger?
Now a question to FancyFace: you know very well what to do when your life and that of your kids is in danger but you are not doing it,why? And your decision to stay all the years may not necessarily have anything to do with monetary issues,so what really has been holding you back all these years?
..there's nothing,absolutely nothing really,that I can't do if I put my mind to it.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 8/1/2008 Posts: 1,432 Location: Marsabit
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@Fancyface Sweetheart,Am sooo sorry you have to undergo such trauma froma man who's otherwise supposed to Love and treasure you all the days of your life. Most people,unless if they have ever undergone verbal abuse do not understand its impact. But my dear,I do. A few years ago,i watched a best friend slowly get eaten away by the stresses of an abusive spouse. I honestly couldnt understand at first the pain she was going through..and she stayed in that marriage 'For the sake of her kids' and acted calm everytime the hubby got started with his abuses. We tried to encourage relatives,family members,church..etc to intervene. but all in vain! The man would change for a week and go back to his horrible abuses thereafter. The older son was getting affected and kept asking 'Kwanini Daddy hutukana Mum hivyo?' and it was very embarassing when the situation affected his perfomance in school and his teachers also intervened. The boy was even asking his classmates if their Dads abuse their Mums and threaten to beat them up! Anyway,To cut the long story short...The lady got PG during one of those lovey dovey rebound sessions,and life was terrible for her,the man became more abusive and during her 4th month...he beat her up so badly,she almost lost her life! She miscarriaged and was badly hurt..not to mention deeply traumatized. She left that bugger and lives on her own now with her two lovely kids. Abuse starts polepole and degenarates into horrible things later on. Act before it's too late. You and your kids shouldnt suffer. Try and get the your hubby some proffesional help..If it doesnt work ama he's hesitant to take it on..then separate kidogo for him to decide what he wants in life,and for the kids to experience some peace in life. Fancyface,Dont wait for it to get physical. That man is sick and needs help ASAP! Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.. Nevermind what haters say, ignore them til they fade away - Just live your life
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