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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad." When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!" Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/24/2013 Posts: 455 Location: Nairobi
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C&P
1. She is not picking your calls right? Don't
worry, send her a
text saying "Honey have you received the
money?"... She will call back.
2. He is not picking your calls right? Don't
worry, upload his picture on your profile and
write "I' will miss you, Rest In .Peace...", He will
call back. Chap chap
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18  Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?” Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: User Joined: 8/15/2013 Posts: 13,236 Location: Vacuum
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Can your partner be with your phone for a day and things remain the same? One Friday morning, John woke up hurriedly and prepared for work. He worked in a busy institution and was expected early at work. His wife worked a distance from where her husband’s office was. As a result of doing things in a hurry, John unknowingly, carried his wife's mobile phone leaving behind his own. After he had gone his wife Jane noticed the mix-up but it was too late for her to do anything about it. She thought for a while and decided to carry her husband's phone in case he came back for it. On arriving at his place of work John noticed that he had confused his wife's phone for his but decided not to go back for it. He sighed deeply because he knew his wife could access romantic messages sent by his many mistresses. His wife too was disgusted because she had several toy boys. Drama began to unfold when John received an SMS intended for his wife sent by somebody saved as ‘Peter-Taxi’, which read, "Hi sweetie, ope yo monin’ is fine, 4 me am okay just mad! My love 4 you kills me. I couldn't stop dreaming about you even after we met last evening coz you hold the password to ma heart." John was shocked to see this and thought he understood why his wife had come home late the previous evening. He decided to stay mum to see what more would come. After one hour he received another SMS from somebody saved as ‘Susan-Salon’ which read, “Monin darling, ope ur fine, am also fine but not so fine without seeing you next to me coz you control every part of ma heart. Nice day sweetie, see you at lunch.” The third SMS ticked in from somebody saved as ‘Winnie-Handbags’ which read, "Monin ma beautiful queen, I wish you were a gum, I would chew you every time, you make me feel young like I was born yesterday, you without whom I would go on a hunger strike. Have a bright day ma dear." John was deeply shocked by these messages but knew that on the other side his wife might be seeing drama too. Meanwhile, Jane had seen even more than her husband. She had received three messages from three women that clearly showed they were his mistresses. The first SMS was from a woman saved as ‘Ochieng-Car wash’ which read, “Hi deah how's ur monin? 4 me am okay with ur son here, he says he loves you so much n you should come n stay with us. gday." Jane almost fainted on seeing this because she could not believe that her husband had a son outside marriage. Before her anger was over, she received a second SMS from' ‘Omosh-Kinyozi’ which read, “Monin ma deah, ope ur enjoyin ur day. Mine can't be complete without you. Every time I sleep in this house you bought 4 me I dream 2 love u always. The BM u bought me is perfect on road. Thanks, g’day.” The last message came from ‘Karanja-Electician’ and read, “Sasa honey? Ope u r fine. pls i am not happy wit u. u promised to send me money since last week,But i have not seen it. honey pls send me the 40k for the project. Hav a nice day, love you big.” Jane had found the answer to why her husband was always penniless! When evening came John and Jane met at home. They could hardly talk but only stared at one another with suspicion. Then they called you to intervene, sincerely how would you solve their problem? If Obiero did it, Who Am I?
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!” Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 9/30/2013 Posts: 659
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4lourBliss wrote:A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”  @4lourBliss.Wewe. Jingli. Sana!! If you stay ready, no need to get ready.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?" Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/9/2009 Posts: 2,003
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4lourBliss wrote:A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?" Win! !
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/19/2013 Posts: 2,552
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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it!"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/7/2012 Posts: 11,908
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symbols wrote:A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it!" Torture galore; Ober mixed day & boarding high school In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins - cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later - H Geneen
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/21/2013 Posts: 2,841 Location: Here
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4lourBliss wrote:A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?" Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/9/2013 Posts: 285 Location: hapakule.
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Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes Lady: How many packs a day? Man: 3 packs Lady: How much per pack Man: £10.00 Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No Man: Where's your f***ing Ferrari then? Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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A Luhya man calls KQ with a query. Shalakha: How long does it take to fly to Kakamega? KQ Staff: Just a second... Shalakha: Thank you [Hangs up phone].
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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@ 4lourBliss, yu av made my night. Lol
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Rank: Elder Joined: 7/11/2012 Posts: 5,222
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 9/24/2012 Posts: 63
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C&P HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE....It's pure Gold! lmao!! MY NAME IS KAREN , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME... NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED PERSHING HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A DOUGHBOY,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?' "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BIATCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH???" Above all, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/28/2006 Posts: 1,799
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In 1986, Dazza was on holiday in Kenya after dropping out of Broadmeadows High School. On a pissed hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dazza approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Daz worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face Dazza, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Daz stood frozen, shitting his pants, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Dazza never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dazza was walking through the Melbourne Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dazza and his son Brock were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dazza, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dazza could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dazza summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dazza's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same f***ing elephant. Dazza always was a dumb c***. This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
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