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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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After perusing the CV during an interview, the human resources person asked the young accountants fresh from UON, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The accountant said, “Around of Ksh. 500,000 a month, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation in Maasai Mara, a house in Muthaiga, full medical and dental insurance cover, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a Range Rover Sport?” The young accountant sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/31/2008 Posts: 7,081 Location: Kenya
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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AN AMERICAN, JAPANESE, and a LUOPEAN were sitting NAKED in the SAUNA. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.... The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly."That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”... A few minutes later a phone rings.The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” The Luopean, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said ... "Wow! What's that?”...The Luo replied, "I'm receiving a Fax," ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/20/2012 Posts: 3,855 Location: Othumo
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COMMERCIAL BREAK **************** 1. Ukiona mtoto anatumwa na harudishi change. Huyo atakuwa Makanga. Just encourage him. 2.Ukiona mtoto anaitwa na haitiki,huyo atakuwa waiter, just encourage him 3.Ukiona mtoto kila saa ni Kisirani, huyu atakuwa Kanjo just encourage him. 4.Ukiona mtoto ana slap tutoto tudem twa mtaani huyo atakuwa Governer wa Nairobi waschana wa Nairobi wana panganga just encourage him.! 5. Ukiona mtoto analialia ovyo ovyo just encourage him he will become a deputy president. 6. Ukiona mtoto ............... Harafu? (Alama ya dukuduku) Thieves
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/21/2008 Posts: 2,490
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washiku wrote:After perusing the CV during an interview, the human resources person asked the young accountants fresh from UON, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The accountant said, “Around of Ksh. 500,000 a month, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation in Maasai Mara, a house in Muthaiga, full medical and dental insurance cover, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a Range Rover Sport?”
The young accountant sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.” The man who marries a beautiful woman, and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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LUOPEAN SENSATION A Luo guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive lady. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The lady notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..” The intrigued lady says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?” The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?” Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!” The Luo guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “This damn thing is one hour ahead.”
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/8/2011 Posts: 482 Location: Nairobi
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washiku wrote:LUOPEAN SENSATION
A Luo guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive lady. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The lady notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..” The intrigued lady says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?” The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?” Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!” The Luo guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “This damn thing is one hour ahead.”
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057
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"@Mato_oneal: I love the way Lindah Oguttu looks at me, smiles & asks for a commercial break weneva I stand infront of my TV naked”" If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/1/2010 Posts: 3,024 Location: Hapa
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everlasting wrote: C&P
APPLICATION FORM TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER FILL THE FORM IN OWN HAND WRITTING AND INBLOCK LETTERS I _______________hereby apply to marry your daughter Sir I am _____ years old Please answer the following questions honestly 1. Do you go to church? Yes/No 2. Do you have a degree or diploma? Yes/No 3. Are you still a virgin? Yes/No 4. Are you working? Yes/No 5. Do you have a car? Yes/No If your answer to any of the above questions was NO Do not continue. Leave my house and don't look back If all your answers were YES, Then continue 1. In 50 words or more, Describe the disadvantages of cheating in marriage ____________________ ____________________ 2. With the aid of a diagram, Explain how you can give respect to your father in-law-mother in-law 3. Suppose your wife says "Honey I need money for my hair-style at the saloon", what would you answer? ____________________ ____________________ 4. Explain any TEN causes of divorce________ __________________________ 5. What does the term 'good husband' mean to you? ____________________________________ 6. Do you have both dad and mum? Yes/No If No explain why? 7.Were your parents legally married? Yes/No If YES for how long? If the time of their marriage is less than your age, Explain why you were born out of wedlock 8. Explain the meaning of ''COME HOME EARLY" As used by women (100 words) 9. Give any THREE reasons that can cause a man to sleep outside his house 10. In case of divorce, Who do you think is theowner of the kids between father and mother? Answer the following by Yes or No 1. Do you drink alcohol? Yes/No 2. Do you smoke? Yes/No 3. Are you short-tempered? Yes/No LAST PART - BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT 1. When can you be free for interviews?____ ________________ 2. When is the best time to interview your dad? ____________________ 3. When can I interview your mum?___________ _________ 4. When can I interview your church pastor 5. Please stick your passport size photo below Which will be put in newspaper to check if you have other girlfriends Sign here: ___________ Sign again: __________ Thank you for showing interest in my daughter Your application will be processed in 4years time. You will be acknowledged only if you emerge successful As you are waiting Please don't call me Don't visit me Don't contact my daughter If u do you will be disqualified Leave your details in case I need to ask you more questions Postal Address: ______________________ Email: ______________________ Phone: ______________________ Facebook: ______________________
walisahau twirra account Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. - Muhammad Ali🐝
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/19/2013 Posts: 2,552
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14....
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/29/2011 Posts: 2,242
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C&P, When a student fails an exam, the father says, In the UK- you can still do better darling, In the US. Yes you can, I know you can, In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!! "Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least." Goethe
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/8/2011 Posts: 482 Location: Nairobi
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Gathige wrote:C&P,
When a student fails an exam, the father says, In the UK- you can still do better darling, In the US. Yes you can, I know you can, In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Gathige wrote:C&P,
When a student fails an exam, the father says, In the UK- you can still do better darling, In the US. Yes you can, I know you can, In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!! Full package: In U.S....this is my lovely wife. In Britain..this is my lovely queen. In Kenya...huyu ndiye mama watoto In USA, when going to work, wife says "have fun at work hunie"... In UK, wife says "see you later sweery" In Kenya, wife says "Chelewa leo tena utaona" In US husband tells her wife, you look smart in that new dress. In UK, i miss to walk with you in that dress my dear. In kenya, inaonekana manager ameanza kukufungia mach.... ukitoka na hiyo nguo tafuta kwenye utarudi.. In the US..dear, i enjoy this walk (walking hand in hand, to bus stage) In the UK..its my turn to drive In Kenya...mama mwangi, tanguria nikupate stage When a student fails an exam, the father says, In the UK- you can still do better darling, In the US. Yes you can, I know you can, In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Chief Joined: 5/9/2007 Posts: 13,095
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symbols wrote:I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14.... Lesson: Mind your own business...
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/19/2013 Posts: 2,552
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washiku wrote:symbols wrote:I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14.... Lesson: Mind your own business... Learnt
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 12/8/2009 Posts: 975 Location: Nairobi
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maka wrote:symbols wrote:butterflyke wrote:symbols wrote:The linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by comparing languages to mathematics. As he scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and languages had positives and negatives.
"In both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a positive. However," he droned on, "in math or language two positives never make a negative."
From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah, right." had to re-read this one a couple of times before i got the joke Me too. Got it first time...clap for me i still dont get it! You will know that you have arrived when money and time are not mutually exclusive "events" in you life!
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 8/17/2013 Posts: 19 Location: Nairobi
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm comingIts not how [b]GOOD[/b] you are, Its how BAD you want it
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2009 Posts: 26,325 Location: Masada
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symbols wrote:washiku wrote:symbols wrote:I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14.... Lesson: Mind your own business... Learnt Am floating! Portfolio: Sold You know you've made it when you get a parking space for your yatcht.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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washiku wrote:LUOPEAN SENSATION
A Luo guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive lady. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The lady notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..” The intrigued lady says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?” The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?” Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!” The Luo guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “This damn thing is one hour ahead.”
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