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Just for laughs...corner
washiku
#1721 Posted : Saturday, September 07, 2013 11:43:37 AM
Rank: Chief


Joined: 5/9/2007
Posts: 13,095
After perusing the CV during an interview, the human resources person asked the young accountants fresh from UON, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The accountant said, “Around of Ksh. 500,000 a month, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation in Maasai Mara, a house in Muthaiga, full medical and dental insurance cover, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a Range Rover Sport?”

The young accountant sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Magigi
#1722 Posted : Sunday, September 08, 2013 3:25:50 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 3/31/2008
Posts: 7,081
Location: Kenya
McReggae
#1723 Posted : Friday, September 13, 2013 12:44:10 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 6/17/2008
Posts: 23,365
Location: Nairobi
AN AMERICAN, JAPANESE, and a LUOPEAN were sitting NAKED in the SAUNA.

Suddenly there is a beeping sound....
The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops.

The others look at him questioningly."That's my pager," he says. "I have a
microchip under the skin of my arm.”...

A few minutes later a phone rings.The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains,
"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Luopean, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he
had to do something just as
impressive.

He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and said ... "Wow! What's that?”...The Luo replied, "I'm receiving a Fax,"
..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
King G
#1724 Posted : Friday, September 13, 2013 12:47:31 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 6/20/2012
Posts: 3,855
Location: Othumo
COMMERCIAL BREAK
****************
1. Ukiona mtoto anatumwa na harudishi change.
Huyo atakuwa Makanga. Just encourage him.
2.Ukiona mtoto anaitwa na haitiki,huyo atakuwa
waiter, just encourage him
3.Ukiona mtoto kila saa ni Kisirani, huyu atakuwa Kanjo just encourage him.
4.Ukiona mtoto ana slap tutoto tudem twa mtaani
huyo atakuwa Governer wa Nairobi waschana wa Nairobi wana panganga
just encourage him.!
5. Ukiona mtoto analialia ovyo ovyo just encourage him he will become a deputy president.
6. Ukiona mtoto ............... Harafu? (Alama ya dukuduku)

Thieves
ZZE123
#1725 Posted : Friday, September 13, 2013 12:55:35 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 6/21/2008
Posts: 2,490
washiku wrote:
After perusing the CV during an interview, the human resources person asked the young accountants fresh from UON, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The accountant said, “Around of Ksh. 500,000 a month, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation in Maasai Mara, a house in Muthaiga, full medical and dental insurance cover, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a Range Rover Sport?”

The young accountant sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Applause Applause Applause Applause Applause
The man who marries a beautiful woman, and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem
washiku
#1726 Posted : Friday, September 13, 2013 1:01:19 PM
Rank: Chief


Joined: 5/9/2007
Posts: 13,095
McReggae wrote:
AN AMERICAN, JAPANESE, and a LUOPEAN were sitting NAKED in the SAUNA.

Suddenly there is a beeping sound....
The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops.

The others look at him questioningly."That's my pager," he says. "I have a
microchip under the skin of my arm.”...

A few minutes later a phone rings.The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains,
"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Luopean, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he
had to do something just as
impressive.

He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.

The others raised their eyebrows and said ... "Wow! What's that?”...The Luo replied, "I'm receiving a Fax,"


Laughing out loudly Laughing out loudly Laughing out loudly Laughing out loudly Laughing out loudly Applause Applause
washiku
#1727 Posted : Monday, September 16, 2013 1:50:28 PM
Rank: Chief


Joined: 5/9/2007
Posts: 13,095
LUOPEAN SENSATION

A Luo guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive lady.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his
watch for a moment.
The lady notices this and asks, “Is your date running
late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch,
and I was just testing it..”
The intrigued lady says, “A state-of-the-art watch?
What”s so special about it?”
The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.” The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Luo guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “This
damn thing is one hour ahead.”
Manyala
#1728 Posted : Monday, September 16, 2013 2:18:04 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 11/8/2011
Posts: 482
Location: Nairobi
washiku wrote:
LUOPEAN SENSATION

A Luo guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive lady.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his
watch for a moment.
The lady notices this and asks, “Is your date running
late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch,
and I was just testing it..”
The intrigued lady says, “A state-of-the-art watch?
What”s so special about it?”
The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.” The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Luo guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “This
damn thing is one hour ahead.”


Laughing out loudly Applause
vinii
#1729 Posted : Monday, September 16, 2013 10:21:34 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/14/2009
Posts: 2,057
"@Mato_oneal: I love the way Lindah Oguttu looks at me, smiles & asks for a commercial break weneva I stand infront of my TV naked”"
If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
butterflyke
#1730 Posted : Tuesday, September 17, 2013 6:40:52 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 5/1/2010
Posts: 3,024
Location: Hapa
everlasting wrote:

C&P

APPLICATION FORM TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER FILL
THE FORM IN OWN HAND WRITTING AND INBLOCK
LETTERS
I _______________hereby apply to marry your
daughter Sir
I am _____ years old Please answer the following questions honestly
1. Do you go to church?
Yes/No
2. Do you have a degree or diploma?
Yes/No
3. Are you still a virgin? Yes/No
4. Are you working?
Yes/No
5. Do you have a car?
Yes/No
If your answer to any of the above questions was NO
Do not continue. Leave my house and don't look
back
If all your answers were YES, Then continue
1. In 50 words or more, Describe the
disadvantages of cheating in marriage ____________________ ____________________
2. With the aid of a diagram, Explain how you can
give respect to your father in-law-mother in-law
3. Suppose your wife says "Honey I need money
for my hair-style at the saloon", what would you
answer? ____________________ ____________________ 4. Explain any TEN causes of divorce________
__________________________
5. What does the term 'good husband' mean to
you? ____________________________________
6. Do you have both dad and mum?
Yes/No If No explain why?
7.Were your parents legally married?
Yes/No
If YES for how long?
If the time of their marriage is less than your age,
Explain why you were born out of wedlock 8. Explain the meaning of ''COME HOME EARLY" As
used by women (100 words)
9. Give any THREE reasons that can cause a man to
sleep outside his house
10. In case of divorce, Who do you think is
theowner of the kids between father and mother? Answer the following by Yes or No
1. Do you drink alcohol?
Yes/No
2. Do you smoke?
Yes/No
3. Are you short-tempered? Yes/No
LAST PART - BUT EQUALLY IMPORTANT
1. When can you be free for interviews?____
________________
2. When is the best time to interview your dad?
____________________ 3. When can I interview your mum?___________
_________
4. When can I interview your church pastor
5. Please stick your passport size photo below
Which will be put in newspaper to check if you
have other girlfriends Sign here: ___________
Sign again: __________
Thank you for showing interest in my daughter
Your application will be processed in 4years time.
You will be acknowledged only if you emerge
successful As you are waiting
Please don't call me
Don't visit me
Don't contact my daughter
If u do you will be disqualified
Leave your details in case I need to ask you more questions
Postal Address: ______________________
Email: ______________________
Phone: ______________________
Facebook: ______________________


walisahau twirra account smile
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. - Muhammad Ali🐝
symbols
#1731 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 3:39:41 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 3/19/2013
Posts: 2,552
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14....
Gathige
#1732 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 9:08:29 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 3/29/2011
Posts: 2,242
C&P,

When a student fails an exam, the father says,
In the UK- you can still do better darling,
In the US. Yes you can, I know you can,
In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!!
"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least." Goethe
Manyala
#1733 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 10:36:40 AM
Rank: Member


Joined: 11/8/2011
Posts: 482
Location: Nairobi
Gathige wrote:
C&P,

When a student fails an exam, the father says,
In the UK- you can still do better darling,
In the US. Yes you can, I know you can,
In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!!


d'oh!
McReggae
#1734 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 10:40:36 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 6/17/2008
Posts: 23,365
Location: Nairobi
Gathige wrote:
C&P,

When a student fails an exam, the father says,
In the UK- you can still do better darling,
In the US. Yes you can, I know you can,
In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!!


Full package:

In U.S....this is my lovely wife.
In Britain..this is my lovely queen.
In Kenya...huyu ndiye mama watoto

In USA, when going to work, wife says "have fun at work hunie"...
In UK, wife says "see you later sweery"
In Kenya, wife says "Chelewa leo tena utaona"

In US husband tells her wife, you look smart in that new dress.
In UK, i miss to walk with you in that dress my dear.
In kenya, inaonekana manager ameanza kukufungia mach.... ukitoka na hiyo nguo tafuta kwenye utarudi..

In the US..dear, i enjoy this walk (walking hand in hand, to bus stage)
In the UK..its my turn to drive
In Kenya...mama mwangi, tanguria nikupate stage

When a student fails an exam, the father says,
In the UK- you can still do better darling,
In the US. Yes you can, I know you can,
In Kenya- kumbe niriuza ngo'mbe ndio nipereke ng'ombe ingine shule!!
..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
washiku
#1735 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 10:40:43 AM
Rank: Chief


Joined: 5/9/2007
Posts: 13,095
symbols wrote:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14....


smile Lesson: Mind your own business...
symbols
#1736 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 10:45:07 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 3/19/2013
Posts: 2,552
washiku wrote:
symbols wrote:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14....


smile Lesson: Mind your own business...


LearntLaughing out loudly
XSK
#1737 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 11:44:16 AM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 12/8/2009
Posts: 975
Location: Nairobi
maka wrote:
symbols wrote:
butterflyke wrote:
symbols wrote:
The linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by comparing languages to mathematics. As he scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and languages had positives and negatives.

"In both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a positive. However," he droned on, "in math or
language two positives never make a negative."

From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah, right."



had to re-read this one a couple of times before i got the joke smile


Me too.


Got it first time...clap for me


i still dont get it!
You will know that you have arrived when money and time are not mutually exclusive "events" in you life!
Topesafi
#1738 Posted : Thursday, September 19, 2013 4:39:25 PM
Rank: New-farer


Joined: 8/17/2013
Posts: 19
Location: Nairobi
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts
masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming
Its not how [b]GOOD[/b] you are, Its how BAD you want it
Impunity
#1739 Posted : Thursday, September 19, 2013 4:46:32 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 3/2/2009
Posts: 26,325
Location: Masada
symbols wrote:
washiku wrote:
symbols wrote:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all started shouting '14...14...14...14....


smile Lesson: Mind your own business...


LearntLaughing out loudly


Am floating!
Sad
Portfolio: Sold
You know you've made it when you get a parking space for your yatcht.

nostoppingthis
#1740 Posted : Thursday, September 19, 2013 4:58:28 PM
Rank: Chief


Joined: 8/24/2009
Posts: 5,909
Location: Nairobi
washiku wrote:
LUOPEAN SENSATION

A Luo guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive lady.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his
watch for a moment.
The lady notices this and asks, “Is your date running
late?” “No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch,
and I was just testing it..”
The intrigued lady says, “A state-of-the-art watch?
What”s so special about it?”
The guy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.” The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Luo guy smiles, taps his watch and says, “This
damn thing is one hour ahead.”



Laughing out loudly Laughing out loudly Laughing out loudly Laughing out loudly
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