Wazua
»
Club SK
»
Life
»
Jinxed with relationships
Rank: Member Joined: 2/25/2009 Posts: 56
|
Dear Skerians,pls just advise me as i am at my wits end and loosing my mind in all ways not only seeing my savings go down as the stocks plum but in my relationship too. I have 2 lovely gals,fathered by 2 different dads. 1st had relationship with this guy whom i didnt know had wife in village,when i knew i left him only to realise i was pg after failed family planning,i kept it despite his repeated advise of abortion. 10yrs later met another guy,had gud relationship even met his relas,since we both wanted a kid,got paged,after the elections due to tribalism he started avoiding me and we parted,that was the end,i went on with my life and supported myself and kids. He never apologised taking off or not financially supporting us. Now he hints like he wants a comeback but i want nothing to do with him,am i being selfish? It isnt fair for my kids to stay fatherless but am determined,he is not the best option in our lives. Pls advise!!! 'Do all the good you can,by all the means you can,in all the ways you can,
in all the places you can,to all the people you can,as long as ever you can'.
John Wesley
English Preacher (1703-1791)
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 5/13/2008 Posts: 558
|
what advice are you seeking?. If you are determined that he is not the right man,nobody can convince you that he is. You have more or less made up your mind
The chance of getting another un-married man to take care of your gals is diminishing very first. If i were you,i'd make ammends with the one who sired the second kid.
The tribal card is complex though,but you can make it work if you want to.
|
|
|
Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/19/2008 Posts: 839
|
Lyra*..... I will be hard..... please forgive me..... lakini... it needs to be said...... the first was not a mistake as the second wasnt too..... if you had kept your legs together.... the married fella wont have made you 'paged'..... to begin with....... nor would you have encouraged the second...... if you want kids.... get them when you are in matrimony........ sawa..... now that you didnt listen to your parent(s)/guardian(s)..... you have this situation working its way into your history book....... we say... it is only a dog that eats its vomit...... the man who took off..... let him remain away from you and your kids....... he will bolt again..... look for a third man..... make him your hubby first...... traditional...... civil..... ama Kanisa....... then open your heart and body for him..... not before.... ama... as you stated....... you are not Einstein with family planning methods....... I'm the real Massey F.....shut your mouth I'm the real Massey Fergu...... Shut your mouth....
|
|
|
Rank: Elder Joined: 2/11/2007 Posts: 1,680 Location: nairobi
|
Shaft..Ngai fafa...
muthomi mugi aiikagia maitho kabere...
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 6/26/2008 Posts: 365
|
I think this 2nd guy deserves a second chance. BUT only if he makes a commitment to the family and indeed after observing whether he is really making any efforts to change. Forgiveness is the key for any marriage/relationship to work. I will praise thee,O Lord my God,with all my heart: And I will glorify thy name forever more. Psalms 86:12 If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love - Maya Angelou
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 4/11/2007 Posts: 694
|
Stay with your two lovely gals. Otherwise the sooner you realise men are not diapers the better. You can' t change them. Huyu mwanaume atakupachapilia mtoto mwingine wa tatu. Unless you have an agenda i would rather you keep yourself busy with chama's and other women stuff Turn your clutter into cash! Find out how at: http://www.tripleclicks.com/9742052/go
|
|
|
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/20/2008 Posts: 6,275 Location: Kenya
|
I think the 2nd guy deserves a second chance,benefit of doubt.
But as somebody says,he must commit first. I hope you have not been seeing someone else inthe meantime while he was away. Beause this will affect his self-esteem and you loose his confidence.
I like to advice like this:
- establish and commit on respect for each other first
- then agree on the expectation from each other i.e. what do you expect from me?
After all,he has been eating sugarcane,and knows you better.
AKS
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 2/25/2009 Posts: 56
|
@ shaft,thanks for your critism,i really dont mind the kids-they are lovely and give me reason to live. Pls note i had moved on with my life but he is the one that wants a come back,he says he wants to settle down fast. Am just not willing......Once bitten twice shy!!!!! I do forgive but if you decide to be inhuman and unfaithful its a bit difficult to expect a 100% change,when in the real sense he has shown no commitment towards the kid or any remorse 'Do all the good you can,by all the means you can,in all the ways you can,
in all the places you can,to all the people you can,as long as ever you can'.
John Wesley
English Preacher (1703-1791)
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 294
|
Lyra my dear sister.................
You are determined to keep the man away? Right? Now,how will you fullfill the desires of the flesh?
If not,then I think,you should get a man, into your life! You have body desires just like all of us. You need an understanding men...........Talk to him...........on the possibility of having a family together............Then you can form family. Dont be too generous with kids,you can add only one. Ensure you talk about this!
It would be perfect to remain single,but Paul the Apostle of Jesus Christ advices that you get hooked(marry),if you are overcome with passion. That you may not sin (unauthorised sugarcane).
Be warned: Such men,are hard to come by: Men fear responsibility! Especially now that yours is a sofaset! Pray hard and our gracious Father will hear your prayers!
But you shall remember the LORD your God,for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth,that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers,as it is this day. Deu 8:18
|
|
|
Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/19/2008 Posts: 839
|
Lyra*... then bite the bullet... ignore him with costs...... and look for a third... if you are good natured.... curvy...... with a muscle between the ears... you shall not miss out... utapata wako...... I'm the real Massey F.....shut your mouth I'm the real Massey Fergu...... Shut your mouth....
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 10/17/2008 Posts: 338 Location: Kenya
|
Wa you guys in love? ie you and the 2nd guy?...i thot love is supposed to endure all......if this guy can leave you with no apology and no financial help due to tribalism...what else will not make him disappear just after u get the 3rd kid may be?.....this guy is gona waste you my friend dnt give him a chance.... You've said that you are financially capable of bringing up your kids so....a quest is it that you dont want your kids to grow up without a dad or its coz yu need a man in your life.....be honest now.. Wisdom brightens a man's face and changes its hard appearance.Eccle 8:1 Think the unthinkable but wear a dark suit
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 5/13/2008 Posts: 558
|
Lyra,
You sound like those no-nonsense independent women.,...........i mean the karua's of this world. If my description is right,dont bother to look for advice.
Move on with you life and fed for the kids. Mean while you'll find it rough on the sugarcane,and emotions department.,............ unless of course you hire to be serviced
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 2/25/2009 Posts: 56
|
@ gogeta I grew up with a dad and i feel its unfair that my kids should grow up without,not that i need a man by my side,no way. The guy was also jealous of my achievements,am a go getter and make wise financial decisions,i have invested a bit and this threatened him since his money he believes in drinking and being merry,which to me once in a while yes... all the time.... hell no 'Do all the good you can,by all the means you can,in all the ways you can,
in all the places you can,to all the people you can,as long as ever you can'.
John Wesley
English Preacher (1703-1791)
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 12/4/2008 Posts: 341 Location: Nairobi
|
I am sure the reason you have sent this post is because you still have some liking for this last guy. Be advised,when all reduced to zero,men will all be the same.Proceed with that understanding. The fact that all the two men have left irrespective of the flimsy excuses they give,there must be an underlying cause. The fact that this last chap wants back,my thinking is that there is something he likes about you(whatever it is)but it might not be enough to make him stay. My friend always says that marriage should make you happier.Don't enter marriage hoping for happiness-be first happy. Good luck to you though. A man is the best judge of his own situation Patience Pays In Guaranteed Checks.
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 10/11/2007 Posts: 213
|
Go for TL and then u can hook up
Me first,U next
|
|
|
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/19/2008 Posts: 4,268
|
First,congratulations for keeping your babies despite not having a stable man in your life! thats respect for life right thuurr!.
Am not sure i am the right person to give advise coz relationships have no experts.... but its good to understand that you can not have a child with a man to make him stay. if he is to leave you,it doesnt matter how many kids he has with you. if he is to stay,it doesnt matter whether you have a kid or not,he will stay.
Now that you have your kids,and am sure,learnt your lessons,try not to get into the same situation where you get another baby in the name of 'binding' the two of you together... No one can really tell you what you should do with your life but Shaft has given you some good advise right there. If the man is not your husband,two kids are good enough. If he cant commit,dont commit. However,if you feel that you want your child to know her father,there is nothing stopping you from it. after all,she will never get another biological father,like it or not... Problem is,he might not have the same level of responsibility as you and he can get into the life of your daughters only to abandon them later when they have established a relationship with them which can be very traumatising to the kids by the way.
The other thing is,your concern is how your kids will grow up without a father. would you rather have kids grow up with the character you mould in them of say responsibility or would you rather have a not-so-responsible 'father' for them to copy from? Whatever you do,realise that,if you take him back,you have an upper hand now so its you to take the relationship where you want. you want him for a husband,let him commit first,before you take him in. Alternatively,get a third man (dont know how easy it is) and let him be a husband before you get into another tangle.
Some deals are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.
|
|
|
Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/18/2008 Posts: 796
|
Let me go against the thread here and suggest that your best bet lies with no. 1. You left,he didn't. He obviously thought he had enough love to share between the two of you. The stats as I understand them are: Guy No. 1,previous marriage couldn't stop him from loving you,Guy No. 2,tribe was more than enough to see him take off. Surely,why would anyone advise you to stick with No. 2. Otherwise,if unavailable,go the shaft way...
|
|
|
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/20/2008 Posts: 6,275 Location: Kenya
|
@mozenrat: I think I want to side with you. Infact after reading your post,I wondered why I had missed the fact that lyra is the one who left the 1st guy.
@lyra: sorry but I think the 2nd guy is crap. He's not mature,he does not know what he wants. The 1st guy knew what he wanted,yes he was married but he wanted another woman,he kept you well. You found out and you took off!
Has this 1st guy found another woman?
Do you talk? Find out this,once you know he's not hooked up somewhere else,be straight with him. Make sure he's honest and tell him what you want,ask him to commit the two things I told you in my earlier response.
Be very careful not to start double dealing,not good.
But drop the 2nd guy completely,no contact,no coffee dates,no jokes,no nothing... Let him realized what he lost.
|
|
|
Rank: Veteran Joined: 7/22/2008 Posts: 1,139
|
This thread is very interesting. @lyra, I can tell you forsure that the man who threw you out coz of tribe want to come back to give you sugarcane.Maybe,you satisfied him well and he feels he should return. This is painful to understand and may sound nonsense but it is true. If he was serious about you and family,he could have stood by you during PEV. When I finished Uni,my first assignment was with a reproductive organisation and we did a research on the sexual behaviours among men.......and this I can confirm to you that by how you stated your problem........he want to come back in pretence of serious relationship but its actually sugarcane. Please my dear sista.......This is your enemy and he is starting another fire......his strategy is unclear.....please hold back and do not attack. my 2 cents "You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it". Malcolm X
|
|
|
Rank: Member Joined: 11/13/2008 Posts: 87
|
@Lyra,
the 1st man is still not good enough.someone who asks you to kill your lovely daughter and cheats he doesnt have a wife,Then you have not heard from him for 10 good years.
The two are not worth your attention.
‘’1st had relationship with this guy whom i didnt know had wife in village,when i knew i left him only to realise i was pg after failed family planning,i kept it despite his repeated advise of abortion.’’
|
|
|
Wazua
»
Club SK
»
Life
»
Jinxed with relationships
Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.
|