wazua Tue, Oct 8, 2024
Welcome Guest Search | Active Topics | Log In | Register

147 Pages«<6465666768>»
Just for laughs...corner
rock
#1301 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 2:42:31 PM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 2/25/2009
Posts: 973
rock
#1302 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 2:44:51 PM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 2/25/2009
Posts: 973
rock
#1303 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 3:06:51 PM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 2/25/2009
Posts: 973
rock
#1304 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 3:09:18 PM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 2/25/2009
Posts: 973
rock
#1305 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 3:10:55 PM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 2/25/2009
Posts: 973
Tebes
#1306 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 3:20:20 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 11/26/2008
Posts: 2,097
"Never regret, if its good, its wonderful. If its bad, its experience."
Tebes
#1307 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 3:29:29 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 11/26/2008
Posts: 2,097
Quote:
"Never regret, if its good, its wonderful. If its bad, its experience."
rock
#1308 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 3:31:11 PM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 2/25/2009
Posts: 973
Tebes
#1309 Posted : Friday, June 29, 2012 3:58:25 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 11/26/2008
Posts: 2,097
@ CHEMOS

This reminded me of that dancing cow in your signature.

"Never regret, if its good, its wonderful. If its bad, its experience."
Jus Blazin
#1310 Posted : Monday, July 02, 2012 9:54:44 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/23/2008
Posts: 3,966
OTIENO: Have I entered the dwelling that derives revenue by being dependent on the safety of our tarsals, metatarsals and phalanges?

ATTENDANT: Yes, we specialise in all footwear shoes, slippers.....

OTIENO: How did the Registrar of Companies approve such names that depict poultry rearing, or were you camouflaging yourselves so as to induce the Abaluhya community into impulse buying?

ATTENDANT: Hiyo jina imekuwa toka kitambo. Can I show you some wears?

OTIENO: Yes, yes.... Please expose me to some recent designs that have just debuted.

ATTENDANT: Eeegh?

OTIENO: Nasema onyesa mimi latest arrivals.

ATTENDANT: Leather or regular wear?

OTIENO: Omera, my watch strap is leather, my belt is leather, my wallet is leather, my phone bag is leather. Applying the basics of arithmetical progression, can’t you deduce that my feet should also be encased in leather? Infact, leather has ignited a stiff rivalry with my hemoglobin as to which of the two is mode on my body.

ATTENDANT: Open shoes of closed shoes?

OTIENO: I show preference to closed shoes as i seek anonymity for my dorsums.

ATTENDANT: Ok, let me bring you one you try on. Unavaa viatu number??

OTIENO: Yawa, subject your years of experience into practice and visualize my feet. Then deduce the numerical connotations it bears before I seek audience with your manager on the basis of lackluster service delivery emitting from his subordinates.

ATTENDANT: Hii kiatu imekufaa sana. Si unaona ata ni sharp-shooter kama hiyo yako.

OTIENO: Yes...yes... Both bear a poignant front, and the union it has established with my feet is impeccable.

ATTENDANT: Hiyo ni 6,500... bei nzuri saana.

OTIENO: Infact these would associate well with my McIntire and Hismel suits that I just imported from Italy the previous week.

ATTENDANT: Leta basi nikufungie. Kiatu safi sana hiyo.

OTIENO: I think you mis-read my gesture.

ATTENDANT; Ati?

OTIENO: I was just orchestrating price awareness in absentia of currency. My shoes are withered, but I have already booked an appointment with the cobbler tomorrow and he is set to revive them.

ATTENDANT: Sasa umenifanyisha kazi bure ya nini?

OTIENO: Please, please, do not radiate disgust. Your attempts have not been subject to futility. You can induct me on your curriculum vitae as a referee so that, when called upon, I can reciprocate your gesture by testifying that you served me well.
Luck is when Preparation meets Opportunity. ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca
McReggae
#1311 Posted : Monday, July 02, 2012 4:10:51 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 6/17/2008
Posts: 23,365
Location: Nairobi
*A LOVE TRINAGLE IN THE OUTSKIRTS OF KISUMU AT A LOCAL CLUB*
OPIYO: excuse me lady, but u have detained my aesthetic senses.
AWINO: i retaliate ur sentiments with joy. thank u
OPIYO: pardon my indulgence but is anyone making pilgrimage to ur genitals
AWINO: affirmative, i am married. infact i'm waiting for my partner here
... OPIYO: while u wait for him, can i irrigate ur throat with some ethanol?
AWINO: sugared red pigmented ethyl liquid please
OPIYO: waiter, letea yeye hiyo kingfisher tatu na urudise change
AWINO: i love that song. can we rhythm to it?
OPIYO: but of course
*Awino's husband MR. AWINO comes and finds them dancing*
MR. AWINO: Awino, my soon to be immediate former better half, detail the meaning of this occurrence
AWINO: baby, there you are
MR. AWINO: Don’t camouflage this situation by refering to me as baby. i instruct u to wait for me here & i intercept u with ur thorax inclined to the ground, ur rear-end in congruent to this mans scrotums, pendulating ur posterior vigorously against a 3rd party's gonads?.
AWINO: baby its just the bend-over song
OPIYO: excuse me sir, but we were just dancing. i harbor no erotic suggestions as pertains to ur wife.
MR. AWINO: don’t submerge my intellect inside deception or else my fist will be in union with ur jaws. are u not the one who transacted those kingfishers for her. who is foreign to the intellect that kingfishers r a catalyst for descending a females inner regalia (panty removers)
OPIYO: she summoned the drinks herself
MR. AWINO: either way, u were trying to ignite a conversation that may hopefully yield to some copulation with my wife (flirting). sublime from this locality b4 i recall my karate techniques and rehearse them on ur frail physique
OPIYO: ok, I’m going to engage my urethra to dispensate ammonia through tytration (urinate) so that the two of u can exchange ideology
MR.AWINO: proceed and don’t resume this bearings
AWINO: baby, don’t harbor resentment towards me. i can never divert my abdominal limbs in opposing directions to any other man but u.
MR. AWINO: swear to me that all other men are foreign to ur genitals?
AWINO: the images to my pelvic zones are only relayed to ur corneas my love
MR. AWINO: proceed here and exchange some oral mucosa with me (kiss)
AWINO: baby...
MR. AWINO: yes hun..
AWINO: i love u..
*Mr. Awino takes one good look at his wife, tears in his eyes and then says....
MR. AWINO: i mirror your sentiments (i love u too)
..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
Magigi
#1312 Posted : Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:54:33 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 3/31/2008
Posts: 7,081
Location: Kenya
http://wazua.co.ke/forum.aspx?g=posts&t=19458

What Your Phone Says About You.
1) The iDeos (commonly referred to as the idiot).Referred to as the idiot because its users are mainly idiots. The same people who rush to buy stuff just because it is on offer-stuff like mathuruare za Ngara, Komeleras on offer, penis enlargement pills and cheap liquor. For most, the iDeos is an upgrade from the phones they had. Being the cheapest android phone in the market, ladies, please don’t date ideos users, especially if you’re sure the bill will surpass the 300 bob mark.

2) The Nokia. The Asha series is mostly for ladies who like big ‘things’ that can fit perfectly in their hands. Asha phones are for people who can’t afford proper Nokia’s like the E-series. If you own a Nokia with numbers denoting its series (like 3310), we can safely assume that you still own a Kencell
simcard and you have cracks in your feet. You also partake hormonal beers like Summit lager and Pilsner lite if you are a dude. If you are a woman, well, you are the kind that asks the I.T guy whether installing a 32-bit O.S twice will make your machine a 64-bit. If you own a twin-sim Nokia, you are a con, a hopeless romantic or a local business person with a nagging spouse. I get it, Nokia’s are very handy phones, especially those ones that have ‘fat’ chargers….the vibrate on them is just awesome. Ok.Motorola-The last time I saw a Motorola phone was two years ago. If you own a Motorola phone you are dead to me. Moving on….

3) Samsung-If you own a Samsung Galaxy I salute you; with my middle finger. That’s just a zoomed in ideos bro. We get it that you love big things, but really? Guys with Samsung smart phones have belt/bra pouches for their phones, same people who deposit massive amounts in their M-Pesa accounts in a bid to impress M-Pesa attendants. Those who own Samsung touch phones are very flashy people, picking calls with no regard in queues and watching YouTube videos on full blast in Jeevanjee Gardens.

4) Blackberry users, well, there’s nothing much to be said here. These are business men/ women who shop for clandes using BBM. Blackberry is a name; sadly it’s just a name. A Blackberry is not a smart phone, it’s just a phone that has so much respect for the dead that there are even outages when people like Steve Jobs die. Pro tip: Turn your Blackberry into an iPhone running IOS5 by simply removing the battery-sadly Blackberry users won’t get this joke.

5) iPhone users are the epitome of elegance; if you own an iPhone, use public transport and live in a rental house you have low sperm count. IPhone users are at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy; you cannot have an iPhone and drive a Vitz. No, those two are mutually exclusive. You cannot have an iPhone and also use 4square, no; you become a disgrace to primitive Kenyans everywhere. You cannot own an iPhone and listen to riddims, or have a weave or shop an eNGARAsha. In fact you cannot call yourself a sufferer if you own any apple product; unless it is a Chinese version of the iPad (commonly known as HiPad and the apple at the back has been bitten twice).

6) Alcatel and LG users are on a class of their own. I won’t call them anything that won’t offend them. These are people with abnormal fetishes like foot jobs, who like trying new positions in bed and are atheists. They mostly shop at Gikomba, Muthurwa, Toy market and along roads. They are the main consumers of roadside products like roast maize, peanuts and yams; which in turn makes them the most ardent buyers of dewormers.

7) If you own a China phone we cannot be friends, I’m sorry but I value my ear drums more. Who buys a phone that has a feature that can change the users’ voice? As a matter of fact, if your phone has more than two Sim cards it is Chinese. If you can hear your phone ring in a club it is Chinese. If it has a ‘BMI Index’ calculator and an aerial it is Chinese. If it has a funny name like ‘Thamthung’, ‘iPone’,’Nokla’,’Forme’ or ‘Mblakbery’ ; came with more than one battery, has a radio, T.V and you don’t get results after Googling its name it is Chinese. Basically, if your phone has Chinese as a language option, or begins to charge every time you are near a socket outlet I’m sorry.

8) If your phone has a torch, wewe ni certified sufferer. Come for your certificate. Same people who use stoves and charcoal iron boxes. Keg drinkers. Night runners. You either drink too much or have lost too many phones, or you live in a very insecure place. Bottom line, wewe ni sufferer. Watu wa ka-quarter-quarter sugar, rice, meat and even vegetables.

9) Flap phones are for people who still watch ‘The bold and the beautiful’. They drink Stoney and Allsops. They think ‘Zangalewa’ are the westlife of Kenya and ‘Fair and handsome’ is the next best thing after dextrosol. Most of them have dandruff in their pubes.
bkismat
#1313 Posted : Thursday, July 05, 2012 12:39:08 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/23/2009
Posts: 2,375
C&P
HIGH SCHOOL
1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school
parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and
gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never
sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students
and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Buster and Dale get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Buster wins. Buster and Dale shake hands and
end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Buster and
Dale. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Buster
started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the
Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then
tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because
Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes
a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care
and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has
an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.
His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's
English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given
his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot
speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts
them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with
domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are
removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is
placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces
3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


This should hit every email in box to show how stupid we have become!!
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt...
-Mark Twain
hello
#1314 Posted : Tuesday, July 10, 2012 7:34:55 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 6/11/2008
Posts: 257
Recommended Dosage Of Viagra: New G/F: No Need ... Old G/F: Half Tablet ... Mistress: 1 Tablet ... Wife: 2tabs+Blue Film+Whisky+Will Power+Her Permission + Aspirin=))
I want to be a millionaire.
hello
#1315 Posted : Tuesday, July 10, 2012 7:36:47 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 6/11/2008
Posts: 257
Recommended Dosage Of Viagra: New G/F: No Need ... Old G/F: Half Tablet ... Mistress: 1 Tablet ... Wife: 2tabs+Blue Film+Whisky+Will Power+Her Permission + Aspirin=))
I want to be a millionaire.
hello
#1316 Posted : Tuesday, July 10, 2012 7:39:42 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 6/11/2008
Posts: 257
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
“Dam man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new satin nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then
she said, “now you can do what ever you want.”

So here I am…. :D !
Moral: never deny a man meeting his friends!!!
I want to be a millionaire.
hello
#1317 Posted : Tuesday, July 10, 2012 7:45:17 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 6/11/2008
Posts: 257
A student failed law exams & decided to make a deal with Professor

Sir, do u know everything about law ?

Prof: Yes

Student: If u can answer MY question, i will accept my final marks, if u can't, u have to give me 'A"

Professor agreed

Student asked : What is legal but NOT logical , logical but NOT legal & neither legal nor logical ?

Prof thought it about it for hours & pondered.. NO answer

He had to finally give up as he really did NOT know... So He gave the boy his 'A'

The following day, professor asked same Question to his students

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands

He asked one student

he answered: Sir, you are 65, married to 28 yrs old woman, This is legal but NOT logical.
Your wife, is having an affair with a 17 years old boy, This is logical but NOT legal

Your wife's boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an 'A'
It's neither logical nor legal

The professor collapsed..
I want to be a millionaire.
hello
#1318 Posted : Tuesday, July 10, 2012 7:46:41 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 6/11/2008
Posts: 257
HAZARDS OF ONLINE SHOPPING: A Man Spent $100 For A Penis Enlarger & The Rascals Sent Him A Magnifying Glass With Instructions Saying Do Not Use In Direct Sunlight! .
I want to be a millionaire.
ralp_mutu
#1319 Posted : Tuesday, July 10, 2012 8:10:40 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 232
Location: Nairobi
You ask why LUO's dance slow?,,,,cologne is expensive,,,MUZIKI BILA JASHO
My folks told me that my very first word was 'billionaire'
kamundu
#1320 Posted : Wednesday, July 11, 2012 8:10:11 AM
Rank: Member


Joined: 5/9/2011
Posts: 786
Location: Mashinani


 

Subject: Fw: awkward conversations
 
*ONYANGO HAD TAKEN NJERI TO LUANDA KO-TIENO TO INTRODUCE HER TO HIS
FATHER BUT DID THE MISTAKE OF LEAVING HIS FATHER WITH NJERI WHILE
GOING TO SAY HI TO THE NEIGHBOURS*


FATHER: I deduce from ur luminated body that ur from the lineage of
solanum tubelosum (nyar-rabuon)
NJERI: sorry?
FATHER: mimi kwisaulisa kama wewe iko okuyu
NJERI: yea im kiuk
FATHER: do u harbour the intellect that my son is not bombarded with
currency and that ur attachement with him must purely stem from
emossons?
NJERI: yes..i love ur son very much
FATHER: tremendous. so r u entertaining trials at hypothesising a
possible union?
NJERI: yes, we are engaged.
FATHER: wewe nakaribiswa hapa sana
NJERI: thank u....eeeh please show me to the ladies washrooms
FATHER: it is within 23 degrees south west of this structure. there is
a tree within its close proximity that is endowed with ernomous
foliage of leaves which we utilise to frictionate against the
periphery of our anal opening to rid off faecate residue after
excreating
NJERI: Sorry?
FATHER: mimi kwisa-ambia wewe sisi hatumii tisuuuu ..sisi napangusa na obokle
NJERI: ok thanks but i carried an extra tissue
FATHER: ohh..u had forecasted that u will be harbouring the urge to
dispensate stool?. kijana yangu kwisapata a wise matrimonial associate
NJERI: thanx
FATHER: lakini iko namna hii. this is contrary to the toilets ur
accustomed to in nairobi . we posses a pit latrine
NJERI: haina shida...
FATHER: No..there exist challanges. u have to exercise precision while
faecating. the margin for error is minimal as that will necessiate ur
stool frictionating against the sides of the toilet hole and thereby
injurious to the aesthetics of the pit latrine
NJERI: sorry, what?
FATHER: yaani na-ambia wewe that kabla ya wewe ku-achilia, make sua
matako yako na-ambatana sambamba na shimo
NJERI: Ok
FATHER: then make sua that ur first attempt has achieved pin-point
accuracy as it will set precedence path for the other subsequent
discharges. u know it will be challenging since unlike the toilets u
have in nairobi where u just sit, here ur rear-end is suspended
in the air dangling in absencia of support and may make aiming a
herculine task .on a positive note, u dont need to flas as gravity
will take care of ur emissions. wewe naelewa haya yote?
NJERI: eeegh...yeah, kinda.....
FATHER: or are u orchastrating the ejection of semi-solid faecate
involuntarily without ur consent?
NJERI: ehhh whats that?
FATHER: mimi naulisa kama wewe nahara? kama wewe iko nahara apana
aibika, na-ambia tu mimi napeleka wewe kwa msituni alafu wewe nahara
bila wasi wasi . hapana hara kwa choo, wewe naesa chafulia sisi hapo
sawasawa See More


 
 
Peace in our Homeland.
Users browsing this topic
Guest (16)
147 Pages«<6465666768>»
Forum Jump  
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.

Copyright © 2024 Wazua.co.ke. All Rights Reserved.