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Genghis Khan		#961 Posted : Saturday, November 12, 2011 1:21:54 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 8/5/2010 Posts: 335 Location: Nairobi		An Irishman, a Scot, and an Englishman were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the Englishman top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the Englishman was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the Scotsman walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the Scot explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window." "I'd rather be lucky than clever... every time!" - ME "The problem is not what we don't know... it's what we know for sure that just ain't!" - MARK TWAIN "Space we can recover... time never!" - NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
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McReggae		#962 Posted : Wednesday, November 16, 2011 3:09:31 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi		Did you hear about the guy who was killed after getting run over by a vitz? He died of embarrassment. ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Avy		#963 Posted : Wednesday, November 16, 2011 4:48:22 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 10/16/2008 Posts: 18		This almost killed me too!!! LOL
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wasee		#964 Posted : Wednesday, November 16, 2011 6:03:05 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 2/5/2010 Posts: 273 Location: NBI		McReggae wrote: Did you hear about the guy who was killed after getting run over by a vitz? He died of embarrassment.
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Euge		#965 Posted : Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:38:21 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 8/4/2008 Posts: 2,849 Location: Rupi		wasee wrote: McReggae wrote: Did you hear about the guy who was killed after getting run over by a vitz? He died of embarrassment. Lord, thank you!
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keraka		#966 Posted : Thursday, November 17, 2011 10:24:04 AM
Rank: Member Joined: 2/24/2010 Posts: 637 Location: Nairobi		C&P This one is just too deadly! And chics wonder why they're never taken out again by some jamaas???? Now u know.... Chic: (calls jmburus) "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do some nyama ?" jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2 ?" Chic: Sawa.. laterz. (jmburus amukas from Friday's hengies , showers , jeans n polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms , then drives to the chics crib.. So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks. jmburus (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ? Chic: just anything... (aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani) jmburus (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ... ikuje na kachum... ..* (chic interrupts jmburus ! ) chic: APANA eeiishh ! Si you know I dont eat goat meat (jmburus thinks to himself... " Really !... then why didnt you say so in the first place, nugu hii") jmburus: (To chic) How about beef then ? chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya (jmburus looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself... "ati fat, you are already carrying a 40 kilo behind, surely ... 2 grams of fat are negligible) jmburus: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta. (butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for mburus to see) jmburus: weka hiyo nione... (as the butcher is weighing it on the scale.. chic point at a small ,..very very small piece of fat on the meat) chic: Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana , tuonyeshe ingine... (butcher curses .. under his breath) (other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start fidgeting) jmburus feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat jang'o women they pitad on their way in (chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor) Chic: kata pale ... butcher: hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti (butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale) Chic: Apana !.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store... jmburus: (to chic) lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama... ? chic: OK jmburus: (to butcher) Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach. Ongeza ugali mbili... chic: (to jmburus) .. Ugali ? me I dont want ugg.. Dont they have chipos. chic: (to butcher) leta na ugali moja na chips mbili (jmburus thinks to himself... no wonder the butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule) Butcher: KAMAU !!! Oya nyama ino ! ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi. ndugekire waaru.. (butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kichen behind him) Butcher : Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53.. Itachukwa ithaa moja ... jmburus pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes , jmburus orders his cold Tusker, chic orders her malt.. We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas , sausages and mshikakis.. Chic: we psst ppstt nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ... jmburus: (shocked).. haiya si u wait for the meat.. Chic: I will still kula the meat... jmburus: ok (and she proceeds to kula 2 samoz and 3 mshikakis) One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice... "Bonne Appetit" ! .. Karibu Nyama " ... Jmburus invites the mama and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba... LAKINI WAPI ! Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama. As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later: Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter ! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks jmburus: (cursing silently ) why arent you eating nyama.... chic: I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua the way they can be nasty.. (without another word jmburus proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala) Jmburus patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car ... .... Then he fungulias the carburattor (sp ) "LETA TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins.. Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours... to the amazement of jmburus... Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! niitie yule mama wa sambusa... ....(jmburus closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed to Topaz..Fish n chips... ) ( So later on at around 12:30 am Jmburus takes the chick to the car and starts being naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they are catching rubs like .....) jmburus: baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private?? ?? Chick: aaah.. aaah... you naughty boy!!! rrrrrrr. sure whats on your mind? Jmburus: Ill show you ! ( jmburu drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ' 40kg of pure booty' occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tiny skirt.) before long they get to jmburus hao. Catch all the way to the fifth floor. jmburu: ( both already half naked, jmburu tries to chuck her pants) Chick: weeee iz how what you trying to do? Jmburu: (amazed) kwani what do you think ? chick: bilaz I dont want!! Jmburus: come on babe! Chick: ( pulling a very serious look) NO! Dont do that ! jmburu: hala ! whats the matter! ( thinking! si thamutha umekula ? na viazi vya mafuta? ) Chick: I can't Jmburu: (tusker malt tano na nyama ya ngombe fry? shuma lazima ilale ndani!) Chick: Im rolling !!! Jmburu: Sh*T!!! PS: Conclusion : TABIA MBAYA. That was the last time I took her out! The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
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carygoh		#967 Posted : Thursday, November 17, 2011 11:47:55 AM
Rank: Elder Joined: 5/4/2008 Posts: 1,703		keraka wrote: C&P This one is just too deadly! And chics wonder why they're never taken out again by some jamaas???? Now u know.... Chic: (calls jmburus) "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do some nyama ?" jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2 ?" Chic: Sawa.. laterz. (jmburus amukas from Friday's hengies , showers , jeans n polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms , then drives to the chics crib.. So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks. jmburus (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ? Chic: just anything... (aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani) jmburus (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ... ikuje na kachum... ..* (chic interrupts jmburus ! ) chic: APANA eeiishh ! Si you know I dont eat goat meat (jmburus thinks to himself... " Really !... then why didnt you say so in the first place, nugu hii") jmburus: (To chic) How about beef then ? chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya (jmburus looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself... "ati fat, you are already carrying a 40 kilo behind, surely ... 2 grams of fat are negligible) jmburus: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta. (butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for mburus to see) jmburus: weka hiyo nione... (as the butcher is weighing it on the scale.. chic point at a small ,..very very small piece of fat on the meat) chic: Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana , tuonyeshe ingine... (butcher curses .. under his breath) (other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start fidgeting) jmburus feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat jang'o women they pitad on their way in (chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor) Chic: kata pale ... butcher: hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti (butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale) Chic: Apana !.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store... jmburus: (to chic) lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama... ? chic: OK jmburus: (to butcher) Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach. Ongeza ugali mbili... chic: (to jmburus) .. Ugali ? me I dont want ugg.. Dont they have chipos. chic: (to butcher) leta na ugali moja na chips mbili (jmburus thinks to himself... no wonder the butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule) Butcher: KAMAU !!! Oya nyama ino ! ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi. ndugekire waaru.. (butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kichen behind him) Butcher : Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53.. Itachukwa ithaa moja ... jmburus pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes , jmburus orders his cold Tusker, chic orders her malt.. We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas , sausages and mshikakis.. Chic: we psst ppstt nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ... jmburus: (shocked).. haiya si u wait for the meat.. Chic: I will still kula the meat... jmburus: ok (and she proceeds to kula 2 samoz and 3 mshikakis) One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice... "Bonne Appetit" ! .. Karibu Nyama " ... Jmburus invites the mama and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba... LAKINI WAPI ! Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama. As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later: Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter ! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks jmburus: (cursing silently ) why arent you eating nyama.... chic: I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua the way they can be nasty.. (without another word jmburus proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala) Jmburus patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car ... .... Then he fungulias the carburattor (sp ) "LETA TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins.. Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours... to the amazement of jmburus... Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! niitie yule mama wa sambusa... ....(jmburus closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed to Topaz..Fish n chips... ) ( So later on at around 12:30 am Jmburus takes the chick to the car and starts being naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they are catching rubs like .....) jmburus: baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private?? ?? Chick: aaah.. aaah... you naughty boy!!! rrrrrrr. sure whats on your mind? Jmburus: Ill show you ! ( jmburu drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ' 40kg of pure booty' occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tiny skirt.) before long they get to jmburus hao. Catch all the way to the fifth floor. jmburu: ( both already half naked, jmburu tries to chuck her pants) Chick: weeee iz how what you trying to do? Jmburu: (amazed) kwani what do you think ? chick: bilaz I dont want!! Jmburus: come on babe! Chick: ( pulling a very serious look) NO! Dont do that ! jmburu: hala ! whats the matter! ( thinking! si thamutha umekula ? na viazi vya mafuta? ) Chick: I can't Jmburu: (tusker malt tano na nyama ya ngombe fry? shuma lazima ilale ndani!) Chick: Im rolling !!! Jmburu: Sh*T!!! PS: Conclusion : TABIA MBAYA. That was the last time I took her out! Think Positive Test Negative
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hoodrat		#968 Posted : Thursday, November 17, 2011 3:11:14 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 4/27/2010 Posts: 262		Ujinga ni: kuuliza jamaa wa syokimau..'plot ya weekend?' Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today!
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McReggae		#969 Posted : Thursday, November 17, 2011 4:03:59 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi		hoodrat wrote: Ujinga ni: kuuliza jamaa wa syokimau..'plot ya weekend?' Ouch!! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Jus Blazin		#970 Posted : Friday, November 18, 2011 12:08:24 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/23/2008 Posts: 3,966		Computer: Please input new password 'MarriedtoMary' Computer: Too short and not strong enough! Luck is when Preparation meets Opportunity. ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca
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carygoh		#971 Posted : Friday, November 18, 2011 2:05:16 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 5/4/2008 Posts: 1,703		Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” Think Positive Test Negative
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nostoppingthis		#972 Posted : Friday, November 18, 2011 2:09:22 PM
Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi		What do you see?
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Kaigangio		#973 Posted : Friday, November 18, 2011 2:22:20 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 2/27/2007 Posts: 2,768		nostoppingthis wrote: What do you see? ...i see red x in a small box in a bigger box *...besides, the presence of a safe alone does not signify that there is money inside...*
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Tebes		#974 Posted : Friday, November 18, 2011 3:00:31 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 11/26/2008 Posts: 2,097		nostoppingthis wrote: What do you see? Something in your google mail but barred due to password restriction *"Never regret, if its good, its wonderful. If its bad, its experience."*
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nostoppingthis		#975 Posted : Friday, November 18, 2011 3:12:46 PM
Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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kichwangumu		#976 Posted : Friday, November 18, 2011 7:05:36 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 6/15/2009 Posts: 106		C&P Kiswahili Ppr 3:- Fasihi Soma shairi ifuatayo kisha ujibu maswali:- Soko Ugali, Nakupenda na roho yangu, Tangu mama akupike, Sijaonja mwingine. Nakupenda Ewe Soko! 1. Mwandishi ni nani? (al.1) ... 2. Dhibitisha kuwa mwimbaji ni waJamii ya waluhya (al.2) 3. Dhibitisha kuwa mwimbaji ana mpango wa kando(al.6) 4.Eleza maana ya maneno haya kama yalivyo tumika katika shairi. a)Soko Ugali b)Nakupenda. c)Sijaonja mwingine(al.6)
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vinii		#977 Posted : Sunday, November 20, 2011 2:14:46 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057		Tony Mochama (aka Smitta)on 11.11.11 at exactly 11.00am wedded his long time girlfriend at a simple ceremony at The AG's chambers. Hear him: 1. 'The AG's is the most unromantic place to have a wedding. There are no vows but legal threats!! They explain to you the crimes that you should never commit such as bigamy. I did not even get to have a 'kiss your bride' moment. The legal jargon used is just a turn off.' 2. 'when Sharon's ex boyfriend gave her a gold ring while we were dating, i knew i had to get back to him. So i smelted it and made these pure gold rings. It was really a nice feeling'!! If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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marex		#978 Posted : Monday, November 21, 2011 8:47:03 AM
Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656		MEN SHOULD NOT IGNORE THIS... When a girl WALKS for miles to see u... . When a girl SAYS SORRY even though she didn't do anything,. . When a girl CRIES bcz she still loves/ misses u.... When a girl still TRIES TO GET U BACK. .. When a girl no matter how much U HURT HER STILL LOVES U... when a girl STOPS her argument with her guy to SAFE her relationship... When a girl continously MAKES U FEEL SPECIAL and TRIES TO MAKE U HAPPY... When a girl is upset but DOES NOT tell u as she thinks she is ANNOYING U.. ... When a girl wants to LEAVE u bcs of ur RUDE BEHAVIOUR but she is not able to do... . . . DONOT LET HER GO, bcz U MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. ♥ SHE MAYBE VERY SPECIAL AND GOD'S GIFT FOR U .................. The way I am
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carygoh		#979 Posted : Monday, November 21, 2011 8:56:12 AM
Rank: Elder Joined: 5/4/2008 Posts: 1,703		marex wrote: MEN SHOULD NOT IGNORE THIS... When a girl WALKS for miles to see u... . When a girl SAYS SORRY even though she didn't do anything,. . When a girl CRIES bcz she still loves/ misses u.... When a girl still TRIES TO GET U BACK. .. When a girl no matter how much U HURT HER STILL LOVES U... when a girl STOPS her argument with her guy to SAFE her relationship... When a girl continously MAKES U FEEL SPECIAL and TRIES TO MAKE U HAPPY... When a girl is upset but DOES NOT tell u as she thinks she is ANNOYING U.. ... When a girl wants to LEAVE u bcs of ur RUDE BEHAVIOUR but she is not able to do... . . . DONOT LET HER GO, bcz U MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. ♥ SHE MAYBE VERY SPECIAL AND GOD'S GIFT FOR U .................. waambie............. Think Positive Test Negative
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marex		#980 Posted : Monday, November 21, 2011 12:34:02 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656		Luis Suarez is being charged again by the FA after insulting Torres. He called the Spaniard a striker The way I am
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