C&P
A famous prostitute died. People were confused as what should be written on her grave. Finally, on the advice of a wise man, they wrote: AT LAST SHE SLEEPS ALONE!!!

A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him. When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon. He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister"!

A classic case of "no weapon fashioned against me shall prosper": A baby was born laughing really hard with its fist tightly closed, chuckling and dandling happily. Everyone in the room was perplexed, wondering what's up with the baby. One of the confused nurses unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill!!!

A boy takes a girl on a date. She orders costly champagne, oysters, lobsters, the most expensive food on the menu. The boy asks: Do you eat like this at your mother's place. The girl replies: No. My mother doesn't plan to sleep with me later

8. A beautiful girl was giving a pedicure to a man who is also getting a shave at a salon. The man says "what about a date later?"."Am married" she replied. The man said: "so? call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend" She said "u should tell him yourself, he is shaving you".

9. A chick sent this text to her lover."if u are sleeping, send me your dreams; if ur laughing, send me your laugh; if you are crying, send me your tears"; if u are eating send me ur food; even if you are using your ATM send me the money .The boy replied,” am in the toilet!!!

10. A Kikuyu man fell into a well and was screaming for help. The wife came with a rope to help, the Kikuyu looked at the rope and said "how much did you buy the rope"? The wife said "1000 shillings". Still inside the well, he shouted. "What! Return it now now, go to Mama Shiru's shop downtown she sells it for 300 bob. Hurry up! before I die here"

11. Husband: I have a problem at the office. Wife: After marriage, you don't say I have a problem, say we have a problem. Husband: Ok, We are expecting a baby from OUR Secretary

12. A guy was gisting his friend . He told her : " I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you". She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ : If you love me introduce me to John...."

13. An American, an English man, and a Kenyan were on a ship, suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will be ur slave!" The American dropped a pin, the Devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil found it and ate him too. The Kenyan opened a bottle of water, poured it in the sea and said: "Go on......

Whaaaaaaat? @mnjoro.... this is a real person, not so? As in, its actual names of a person.

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

C&P
KCSE 2011 LEAKAGE

MATHEMATICS
1. 11 men from Manchester can demolish Arsenal 8 times in 90 mins without being favoured by the referee; calculate how much Messi from Barcelona alone can demolish Arsenal in the same time. Use formulae (1 Man U=3 Messis) (5MKS)

2. A G4S van loaded with 25million shillings leaves equity bank Moi Avenue heading to equity Tom mboya street a distance of less than a kilometer;
(a) show cause why the van was found in KABETE?
(b) calculate how much money,if any,was left behind ?
(c) why didn't the bank hire a bodaboda to carry the money
(d) If the driver was Otieno what would he buy first assuming he got his share of the loot? 40marks)

3. If Pifwoli Wakoli has 3White palls(read balls), 2 kreen palls and 4 plue balls in a pascket;
(a) What is the propapility of him picking a Mango?
(b) If Kalonzo was to pick a colour of his choice, how long would he take to decide?
(c) Using answers A and B above, what is the likeliest comment that Kibaki would make upon hearing this? (25MRKS)

ENGLISH
HAGUE in full is,
Henry Kosgey
Arap Sang
General Hussein Ali
Uhuru Kenyatta
Eldoret East MP William Rutto.
A] find the missing value to make Ocampo six.
B} use a protractor and pencil on to draw and show how Ruto jumped to conclusion and went to Hague.
C} draw and paint arap sang's face into a saint. (10MKS)

COMPREHENSION
The following conversation takes place at Koinange Street at around 8:00 in the evening
CUSTOMER : Unauzaje?
SELLER : Inategemea.
CUSTOMER : Nini
SELLER : Unakulia hapa ama utafungiwa....

Q1. What is the customer buying.
Q2. Do you think it is cheaper to eat there, or take away
(17 Marks)

LITERATURE
1. "Kimunya must go"..
A. Who said these words?
B. Where is Kimunya going?
C. The speaker seems angry... explain using a labeled diagram.
D. What would have the speaker said had he not said this?
(4.99 Marks)
ENGLISH PP 2:

1. The following was a poem by PLO Lumumba

“...In Kenya's job market, it’s about the technical know WHO, it’s not about technical know HOW.....”
a) Why didn't he make it to the national drama festival finals?
b) How many wrinkles were on Lumumba's forehead as he said the last line?
c) Explain the role of the poem in fighting corruption..
D) Why did he use plain English in this poem instead of his popular jargon?
(20 marks)

KISWAHILI PAPER 1
...Wiper,ODM Kenya...Wiper.. Raila huku, Kibaki kule alafu nitapita katikati yao..Wiper..ti hi hi hi hi
A. Nani alinena maneno haya? (2mks)
B.Nani alifaulu kupita katikati ya wenzake? (2mks)
C.Kucheka kwa msemaji kunatokanana na ulevi ama kuchizi?(2 mks)
KISWAHILI PAPER 2.
1.Mpanda gazi hushuka!
a. nini kinasababisha ashuke?
b. Huyu mpanda gazi amekosakazi?
c.Kwa maneno chini ya 20 eleza vile unamuelewa huyu mpanda gazi! (20mks)

2. Ukizingatia tamthilia ya "TAFAKARI YA BABU" kama ilivyo andikwa naye SWALEH MDOE, jibu maswali yafuatayo:
a. Kwani mwandishi hana nyanya?
b. Kama anaye, mbona asitafakari ya nyanya angalau siku moja?
c. Si babu ya mwandishi ni mwongo sana?

SOCIAL STUDIES:

1. Do you think there is a "NO SMOKIN" sign in Mr. SMOKIN WANJALA's office?
(0.5 marks)
2. “...this is green, this is green, hata ile red ni green...”
From the above extract, is it safe to say Peter Marangi is COLOR BLIND?
(2 green paints)
3. The number of ladies is larger than that of men. If 90% of the ladies prayed for by PASTOR OJGBANI at Nyayo Stadium actually get men, Calculate the probability that the Pastor has succeeded in creating more MPANGO wa KANDOs.(10MKS)
4.There is a strong direct relationship between cars that are
a traffic nuisance and 90% of Probox drivers in Nbi:
A.True
B.True
C.All the above

SOCIAL ETHICS
Bearing in mind that you are Kenyan, what do you do when you see a fallen oil tanker?

A) Run away and come back with a jerrycan
B) Call your family to make some quick money
C) Steal the battery
D) Light a cigarette
( 20mrks )

CRAFT

You have been provided with a lorry.
1. Show that you can make a VITZ from the lorry without reducing the lorry at all.
2.Now use the Vitz to make a tuktuk.

BREAKING NEWS:
A school teacher has been arrested at The Jomo Kenyatta International Airport for attempting to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a scientific calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is going to be charged with carrying weapons of Maths Instruction.

Which number are you? 1,2 or 3
>

> --- *How to Measure Your Wife’s Permanency Index (Overheard last
> weekend at a ‘mbuzi’ eating occasion for Kikuyu men 40+, married and obviously drunk).* ****
>
>
> * *****
>
> *The best way to know whether your wife of many years is really in your
> homestead to stay is by carefully gauging the volume of her fart (ndore)
> when asleep. If she lets it all out in a blast or two or even in a
> monotonous series (gutororokia)with total disregard that you are in the same
> bed, imbibe whatever the outcome and say halleluiah and praise be to God for
> she is in your homestead to stay (niakenjeruo mbui gwaku)!*****
>
> * *****
>
> *If she releases a blast and rushes to apologise, hi! know there is
> something in your relationship that is bothering her and she is tense... Be
> careful, things could degenerate into war and she is just looking for a
> trigger. Find out what is bothering her and sort it out before it gets out
> of hand!*****
>
> * *****
>
> *If she farts a whisper (kamuchehu) or none at all throughout the night, or
> prefers to go to the loo to do it, mzee chunga! Most likely some of her
> clothes and personal effects may as well have been transferred to her
> sister’s house in your absence and she is just preparing for takeoff. You
> may soon find yourself cooking for yourself and the children!*****
>
> * *****
>
> *Moral: Keep a close tab on your wife’s fart no matter how unpleasant...it
> may as well save your marriage.*****
>
> >

The State of Affairs

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

two Italian men and one Italian woman
two French men and one French woman
two German men and one German woman
two Greek men and one Greek woman
two English men and one English woman
two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
two American men and one American woman
two Irish men and one Irish woman.

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman..

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor, store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees
make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining..

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Noo but have a Nderitu friend who used to narrate a story about a stage.Ha Ndiritu wa iria.
Why do you ask kwani you know of one