@Mlefu... Any idea where I can get these mugithi CDs... You know the ones that qualify one to be a failed father..

I love you Skerians. You are the best.

Live hard,die hard.

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed,so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,when questioned by the police,was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents,embezzled from his employer,had an affair with his boss' wife,taken illegal drugs and he had given VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had,indeed,come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.' Just as the priest finished his talk,the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact,I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.....'

Everybody burst into laughter.... !!!!

Moral of the story: DON'T BE LATE for meetings.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't..

At the police academy,John was tasked with the most unenviable task of being the bearer of bad news to other cadets. With no prior training for the job,John's delivery of the news would be so brutal and devoid of any humane considerations.This would inevitably traumatize his recipients,so much so that most of them would end up being hospitalized. This came to the attention of his superiors and John was summoned. After a dressing down and a bit of couching,John was dispatched again with a message to deliver to James a cadet in the academy.After a thoughtful reflection and aiming to get it right this time,he called a parade. Calling everyone to attention he readied himself to make the announcement....'all those officers whose grandmas are alive,step this side....not so fast James......!!!'

Patience Pays in Guaranteed Checks

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT!

The wife stared at him. 'What the heck is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied,'I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving......

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't..

Once upon a time,there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them,but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day,he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry,he thought to himself,'She'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this.' So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later,on the way home from work,his car broke down and since they lived in the country,he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home,he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk,he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home,he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,'Darling,I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!'

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold,the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone,he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud,but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing,so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse. To keep himself from gagging,he tried fanning his arms a while,hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook,the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later,the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded,he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes,farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom),he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contently,he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long,she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked,she removed the blindfold and yelled,'SURPRISE!' To his shock and horror,there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.




For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners,so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.
Romans 5:19

6 feet girl to her boss: I'm being sexually harassed.
Boss: How?
Girl: This guy comes in every morning and says_ your hair smells great.
Boss: What is the problem in that?
Girl: He is 3 feet tall

correction does much,encouragment does more.

31. 'There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?'

Some deals are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues,the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool,when dropped,will roll to the least accessible corner.

BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water,the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any event,the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

muthuri mwanake

Which way is the bus below traveling?




To the left or to the right?






Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.




Still don't know?

Primary school children all over the UK were shown this picture and asked the same question.

90% of them gave this answer:

'The bus is traveling to the right.'

When asked,'Why do you think the bus is traveling to the right?'

They answered:

'Because you can't see the door to get on the bus.'






muthuri mwanake