Dear Husband/Boyfriend;
Am writing this letter to you with a lot of sorrow and anguish because I heard the most horrible news. I thought it would never happen again since the last time I heard, they said it was over. But now, come this weekend, I hear its starting yet again. Am talking about the Great Britain Premier league or whatever it is called.
Am sad because I know you will now spend countless hours on TV watching that guy called Arsenal who I think plays for Fabre-gas FC football club instead of spending time with me. Its very painful for me you know. Last time Fibreglass FC or is it Fagre-bus FC played, you were sad for a few days because they lost three cups in a row to some other teams one called Old Tramfford I think, and why does a team full of old people win against such younger teams anyway? I heard the second loss was worse coz they were playing for the world cup or something greater considering most of the fans cried and you had to go drinking at midnight to forget it all. Am actually shocked that it comes every year coz you were behaving like you had missed the last ticket to heaven!
And who is Wenger anyway? That guy who you always say is an idiot and costs you matches for letting boys play against men. Is he a referee? If he is, he should be fired because it is unacceptable to allow youg boys play against hardened men.
Anyway, back to my concerns.
You cause me so much anguish when you sit infront of the TV so long and when I complain, you run to the nearest club to watch the game with the boys! And you then come home screaming how Torres has not found the net yet. And you are very happy that the poor man has not found the net for so long. And why cant he find the net anyway? Did someone hide it or did it get lost? Havent they heard about the fibre optic? Cant the King of United Britain of England, whatever, set up a CCK and buy fireoptics from safaricom, our net is so fast here! Nway, thats their business.
And who Messy? Yes, that guy you love so much. Did he let you have his woman or something. You have been saying he rapes the entire eleven players of Old Tramfford FC single-handedly. I'd like to see him do that because I think you exaggerate a bit. Raping one man is very difficult let alone eleven. How high is his libido anyway!
And by the way, his name sounds mexican or cuban so forgive me for asking what he is doing playing in the British empire premier league? I thought it was a British thing! But again, your name is Kamau (Stano) and you are also obsessed with it! Which is why I am always confused by the whole thing.
So before our marriage breaks, make me understand why twenty two grown men with proper and working upstairs faculties can spend ninety minutes (mostly more) chasing a sphere around a horizontal rectangle (well marked in white) in the hope that they would direct it into a vertical rectangle manned by some other guy.
And with the three clearly marked rectangles and a sphere, they need an EXTRA THREE MEN to make sure they dont get outside the horizontal rectangle or injure each other... although they still do much too oftenly! Not to mention the fact that it spills out of the screen too sometimes considering last time you came home with a black eye for saying liverfool (I hope I got the name right) was a dead team.
My dear husband/Boyfriend, I suggest we spend more time together because our marriage has been very fine lately. But now am worried because I heard the madness is starting all over again this month. But maybe you will not watch much of it coz I heard your team, Fabregas FC is merging with some other team in spain or Italy or somewhere named Real Barcelona.
I need you with me. I need the rest of the year to be like these past few weeks. You have been a very good husband and am afraid now that you will be pulled away from me again as I overheard you the other day saying you will make sure you will defeat Old Tramfford FC whether or not their coach, Manchester Ferguson I think, retires or not.
Lets build our relationship together. Am afraid at this rate you may soon request me to die during halftime to give you time to pay your last respects. Please be considerate.
Your Loving Wife/Girlfriend ...
If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....