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Rank: Elder Joined: 4/9/2008 Posts: 2,824
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C&P COLD WAR between husband and wife Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. HUSBAND: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. He saw me in the dark, he created light. He saw me without problems, he created YOU. WIFE: Twinkle twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far HUSBAND: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you? WIFE: Roses are red; Violets are blue Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too Not in cage but outside, laughing at you AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........ Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor... .............................. .............................. ......... "Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes." .............................. .............................. ............ A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free. .............................. .............................. .... Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time! Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever .............................. .............................. ............... Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day. .............................. .............................. ..... Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you .............................. .............................. ....... Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.. Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me. .............................. .............................. ........ Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ? Husband: A lovely Push...! And life goes on....... When I have money, I get rid of it quickly, lest it find a way into my heart.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057
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Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'. Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 2/12/2008 Posts: 1,178
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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Girl: I want a responsible man. Dude: well you found me. Girl: what makes you say you are responsible? Dude: because all the women I have ever made pregnant always say am responsible.............. The way I am
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436
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couldn't resist these mchongoanos (tanzanians call them matani ya wakenya!):
c&p
• Ati wewe ni mjinga mpaka huwezi kuspell IQ
• Wewe mnono ukipigwa picha inaandikwa- to be continued.
• Ati wewe ni sura mbaaaya mpaka ukilia machozi huenda upwards
• Nyinyi wadosi mpaka mko na tea bags za uji
• Doggi zenu ni so corrupt wezi wakikamu zinadai 'chota kitu kidogo
ninyamaze'
• Nyinyi ni washenzi mkipatiwa paperbag ya green kwa supermarket
mnairudisha ati, 'Haijaiva'
• Mbuyu wako fala...yeye huwacha ride yake tao..ndio asikose parkin
next day..(very tempting)
• We ni mshamba mpaka dere akitaka kuchange gear unafikiria ni rungu
anatoa (haiya, iko nini...!)
• Ati wewe ni mchafu inzii zime enda on strike ziki demand better
working environment
• Wewe mnoma mpaka yani ukiota ndoto zako zikianza
zinajiandika "Producer...Director...", ama "Previously on..."
• TV yenyu kubwa mpaka Tom and Jerry wanachoka kukimbizana halfway
through the screen
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Rank: Member Joined: 7/12/2010 Posts: 201
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" Ati dame yako ni mkonde hadi badala ya yeye kutumia always ye utumia elastoplast!"
ati manzi yako amekonda akifanya helikopta anatake of ......
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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wakagori wrote:" Ati dame yako ni mkonde hadi badala ya yeye kutumia always ye utumia elastoplast!"
ati manzi yako amekonda akifanya helikopta anatake of ......
Hizo michongoano ziko down tu sana....zimebeat The way I am
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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HOME INTERNAL MEMO FROM: FATHER TO: ALL DE PENDANTS AND RELATIVES CC: MOTHER DATE: TODAY ECONOMIC SITUATION AND GROUND RULES Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted. 1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request. 2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed! 3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by a qualified dietician's report. 4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall permitted. 5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons. 6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly. 7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them. 8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from the house. 9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in the house, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s). 10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival. THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!! Signed: DAD Chairman of Home Aff ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 5/28/2011 Posts: 98
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Rank: Elder Joined: 8/11/2010 Posts: 1,588
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McReggae wrote:HOME INTERNAL MEMO
FROM: FATHER
TO: ALL DE PENDANTS AND RELATIVES
CC: MOTHER
DATE: TODAY
ECONOMIC SITUATION AND GROUND RULES
Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed!
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by a qualified dietician's report.
4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall permitted.
5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.
6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from the house.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in the house, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).
10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival.
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!
Signed: DAD
Chairman of Home Aff
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/26/2010 Posts: 125
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The Newlyweds
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with
anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear,
decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am
deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my
fianc�e, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm
afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem,"
said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this
seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem
up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the
morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled,
"everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't
understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new
husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out
of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is,
not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her
mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not
forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual
socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the
husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come
off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she
immediately asks, "What on earth are
you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my
sock!"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/9/2009 Posts: 1,491 Location: Nairobi
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C&P if you thought there's no humor from western,picture this: Omwami bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610' ============ ========= ========= ====== Omwami: I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College . Friend: Really, what is he studying. Omwami: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him. ============ ========= ========= ========= === Omwami: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. Omwami : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final game. ============ ========= ========= ========= ==== Omwami : If I die, will u remarry? Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry? Omwami : No, I'll also stay with your sister. ============ ========= ========= ========= == Omwami : People consider me as a 'GOD' Wife: How do you know?? Omwami : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.. ============ ========= ========= ========= ==== Omwami complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.' Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?' Omwami : 'I was watching TV news...' ============ ========= ========= ========= == Omwami comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine' He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.' ============ ========= ========= ========= ====== How do you recognize Omwami in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board. ============ ========= ========= ========= ======== Once Omwami was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot. ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= === Omwami in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?' ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= === Omwami : Why are all these people running? Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup Omwami - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running? ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= === Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense Omwami : The future tense is 'u will go to jail' ============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===== Omwami told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!' Servant: 'It's already raining.' Omwami: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.' By Gairey Omosh Kenya ni yetu sisi sote
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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A MAN's REAL SAD Story: (MUST READ) Yesterday was My Birthday, My Wife Didnt Wish Me nor My Kids, ......I Went to Work & My friends Didnt, I went to My Cabin.. My Secretary said: Happy Birthday Boss ♥ I felt Special.. Than I was Invited to her Flat She said: Do You Mind if I Go into the Bedroom for a Minute? I said: OK (♥ _ ♥) She came out a Few minutes Later with a Large Cake, Followed by My Wife, Kids & All my Friends, & I was Waiting for Her, Sitting on the BED, . . . NAKED ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/26/2008 Posts: 745
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 5/31/2011 Posts: 54
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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UJINGA NI:1. kujiita romantic na uko single. 2. kukaa mbele kwa mat alafu unaturn kuambia konda 'shukisha' na umekaa na dere. 3. kutumia cursor kuscare mosquito kutoka kwa screen ya comp. 4. kureduce volume ya radio ili usome sms. 5. kuruka line ya V.C.T. 6. kukojoa kando ya barabara kisha unatema mate. 7. kuscratch bamba 5 na coin ya mbao....8. nyama kuungua jikoni kama bado unasoma gazeti ambayo ilifungiwa hiyo nyama! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/23/2010 Posts: 868 Location: La Islas Galápagos
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Click on the link below and try to click on that guy's nose!!!! http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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C&P INSTALLING HUSBAND - FUNNY ONE (MUST READ) A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy, Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Woman DEAR DESPERATE Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: i thought you loved me. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7. Good Luck Madam! Tech Support ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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