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2 Miles		#741 Posted : Thursday, July 07, 2011 1:31:54 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 10/26/2010 Posts: 125		Kenyans and bargaining- Are we this bad surely???? Operator: Thank you for calling Kenya Airways. How may I help you? Kenyan: Hallo. Germany ni pesa ngapi? Operator: That will be Ksh 55,000 one-way. Kenyan: Lakini si hiyo ni bei ya kuongea? Operator: Am afraid the price is fixed. Kenyan: Na nikishukia France nitembee hapo pengine? Operator: Sir, the price for the flight is fixed. Kenyan: Hata nikasimama? Operator: That is not allowed on the flight sir. Kenyan: Haya basi, nitakaa kwa shimo yenye iko katikati ya viti. Hiyo ni pesa ngapi? Operator: Sir, I said the price for the flight is fixed. Kenyan: Ai? Wacha nipigie Juma. Operator: Who is Juma sir. Kenyan: He is my relative. You see my grandfather had three wives. So Juma is the son to the brother of my sister's cousin from the second wife of the brother of my grandfather. Anafanya kazi huko kwenu. Am sure ataongea na wewe mnibebe sare. Operator: Am afraid that will not be possible sir. Kenyan: Haiya. Na wewe ni mgumu? Na mzigo je? Operator: We allow 25 kgs carry-on luggage per passenger sir. Kenyan: I have about kilo mia moja. Operator: We will charge you Ksh 500 per extra kilo. Kenyan: Si nitajishikia? Ni gunia moja tu. Nitashikia hapo nyuma ya pilot. Operator: Am afraid only hand luggage is allowed sir. Kenyan: Jesus! Nyinyi watu mnatunyanyasa. Ninaomba serikali iangalie hii mambo. Ok. Wacha nitalipa hiyo pesa. Operator: Thank you. Kenyan: Oh! Just one more thing. Naenda na Jane, mtoto wa sister yangu. Huyo si naweza kumshika tu? Operator: How old is she sir? Kenyan: Ni mtoto. She is only sixteen. Operator: Am afraid that will be an additional ticket sir. Kenyan: What do you mean another ticket? Mtoto. Lakini si ni half price kwa sababu ni mtoto eh? Operator: No sir. She will pay the same rate as an adult sir. Kenyan: Ai? Ksh 110,000. Hiyo ni mingi sana . Kwani ni plot nanunua? Ai? Hapana. Wacha twende na Meli.
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McReggae		#742 Posted : Friday, July 08, 2011 3:22:28 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi		Miguna Migun cracked me: William Ruto is a spoilt brat with a laser sharp tongue. He is also a cry baby. In another life, he would have made an excellent second-hand car salesman. Ruto changes colour more frequently and far better than a chameleon. At university, he sang his lungs out at the Christian Union Choir. That’s before he discovered that such talent was cherished by the Moi-Kanu dictatorship. ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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McReggae		#743 Posted : Tuesday, July 12, 2011 10:20:30 AM
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi		Bifwoli enters parliament with bandages on his ears: MARENDE: Hon. member from Bumula, what happenned to your ears? BIFWOLI: Mr. Sipika, I receift a call while ironing an I confused putingi my mopile for the iron box on my ear (members burst laughing) MARENDE: Order members! order! it is not in order to laugh at a colleague, Hon. Bifwoli pole.......so wat happened to the other ear? BIFWOLI: Mr. Spika, the itiot kolt pak!!! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Intelligentsia		#744 Posted : Tuesday, July 12, 2011 12:16:16 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436		@2 Miles, lol!
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vinii		#745 Posted : Thursday, July 14, 2011 9:31:25 AM
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057		Today is ramogi night….. Ati for ramogi night, no need to sell air time, we are all on prepaid! What dyu mean nikona safaricom, safaricom iko na mimi yawa! Beer will be sold in USD just coz they are jang'os. Omera i own the land between the rock and the hard place.... It was expensive. I cannot listen to 50cent... Thats a contradiction of my financial ethics. Yawa i dont jump to conclusions, i fly there in my private jet. Omera i dont have a google+ i have a googleBODMAS account. Yawa do you know i personalized my browser. It is not Opera Mini it is OMERA MIMI! Let me take my Range Rover Sport to a car wash, you can take your Vitz for a baby shower. This is not just a haircut! It is the aesthetic pruning and demarcation of the follicles around my craniomaxiofacial area! FW: Eishh Yawa I didn’t go to school named after somebody, that`s a homestead Omera. I was in Alliance So from which corner of Kenya did this mistake called your birth occur? Supermarket guard : bags are not allowed inside Jaluo : don't worry about it, it's my wallet! . Atoti,y does the apple in your ipad look half eaten? Myn is stl full yawa! Omera I bought her the Porsche for our anniversary two days after buying my latest merc-benz S class, but al use a Chrysler Jamigingo am a love masin(machine).I take Viagra to reduce the number of days I can hump u ‎"excuse me madam, well !!did u see that big, silver metallic Audi v8 parked outside..?"...woman, "yes"...man..."well, it`s mine..".. Omera we dont protest when the price of Unga increases. We protest when it decreases ‎'Omera, ati drugs nini? when I get a headache I send Harun Mwau to buy me piriton' We'r also recognized in the bible. Just ask Nick Odemus I have 3 swimming pools 1 has cold water 4 hot days another 1 has hot water 4 cold days n another 1 days when I dont feel like swimming Omera look at me, now look at you, now look at me. Dont I remind you of Barclays Bank yawa Omera, when thieves come my dog doesn't back, it removes its ipad and uses the IBark app This weather is so cold it reminds of my nursery days in North London Omera dont just come near me anyhowly, my trouser was ironed in Italy the lines might cut u ‎"Omera, you are what you eat! That is why my names are Omollo Caviar Flambé Lobster German Black-Forest Odhiambo! omera, my sarp sooter soes comes with a silencer If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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McReggae		#746 Posted : Thursday, July 14, 2011 9:42:53 AM
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi		Someone left his atm receipt on the machine, account balance 13,680,000. Amount withdrawn 500 bob. I give up ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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bwenyenye		#747 Posted : Thursday, July 14, 2011 12:42:17 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 5/24/2007 Posts: 1,805		McReggae wrote: Someone left his atm receipt on the machine, account balance 13,680,000. Amount withdrawn 500 bob. I give up !McReggae.. I have been looking all over for the receipt.... I Think Therefore I Am
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Impunity		#748 Posted : Thursday, July 14, 2011 2:45:10 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 3/2/2009 Posts: 26,325 Location: Masada		bwenyenye wrote: McReggae wrote: Someone left his atm receipt on the machine, account balance 13,680,000. Amount withdrawn 500 bob. I give up !McReggae.. I have been looking all over for the receipt.... That was the actual balance, the available balance was much less, unless you gave up for something else and not the amount withdrawn! Portfolio: Sold You know you've made it when you get a parking space for your yatcht.
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mjuaji wa stocks		#749 Posted : Thursday, July 14, 2011 3:05:21 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 1/16/2010 Posts: 672 Location: nairobi		vinii wrote: Today is ramogi night….. Ati for ramogi night, no need to sell air time, we are all on prepaid! What dyu mean nikona safaricom, safaricom iko na mimi yawa! Beer will be sold in USD just coz they are jang'os. Omera i own the land between the rock and the hard place.... It was expensive. I cannot listen to 50cent... Thats a contradiction of my financial ethics. Yawa i dont jump to conclusions, i fly there in my private jet. Omera i dont have a google+ i have a googleBODMAS account. Yawa do you know i personalized my browser. It is not Opera Mini it is OMERA MIMI! Let me take my Range Rover Sport to a car wash, you can take your Vitz for a baby shower. This is not just a haircut! It is the aesthetic pruning and demarcation of the follicles around my craniomaxiofacial area! FW: Eishh Yawa I didn’t go to school named after somebody, that`s a homestead Omera. I was in Alliance So from which corner of Kenya did this mistake called your birth occur? Supermarket guard : bags are not allowed inside Jaluo : don't worry about it, it's my wallet! . Atoti,y does the apple in your ipad look half eaten? Myn is stl full yawa! Omera I bought her the Porsche for our anniversary two days after buying my latest merc-benz S class, but al use a Chrysler Jamigingo am a love masin(machine).I take Viagra to reduce the number of days I can hump u ‎"excuse me madam, well !!did u see that big, silver metallic Audi v8 parked outside..?"...woman, "yes"...man..."well, it`s mine..".. Omera we dont protest when the price of Unga increases. We protest when it decreases ‎'Omera, ati drugs nini? when I get a headache I send Harun Mwau to buy me piriton' We'r also recognized in the bible. Just ask Nick Odemus I have 3 swimming pools 1 has cold water 4 hot days another 1 has hot water 4 cold days n another 1 days when I dont feel like swimming Omera look at me, now look at you, now look at me. Dont I remind you of Barclays Bank yawa Omera, when thieves come my dog doesn't back, it removes its ipad and uses the IBark app This weather is so cold it reminds of my nursery days in North London Omera dont just come near me anyhowly, my trouser was ironed in Italy the lines might cut u ‎"Omera, you are what you eat! That is why my names are Omollo Caviar Flambé Lobster German Black-Forest Odhiambo! omera, my sarp sooter soes comes with a silencer God gave me the power to make wealth ... Blessed the work of my hands & enabled be A SELF MADE BILLIONAIRE ...... TO GOD THE FATHER OF MY LORD JESUS CHRIST; BE THE GLORY NOW & FOREVER MORE!
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vinii		#750 Posted : Friday, July 15, 2011 8:08:14 AM
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057		WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. HUSBAND: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. He saw me in the dark, he created light. He saw me without problems, he created YOU. WIFE: Twinkle twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far HUSBAND: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you? WIFE: Roses are red; Violets are blue Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too Not in cage but outside, laughing at you AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........ Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor... ..................................................................... "Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes." ........................................................................ A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free. ................................................................ Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime! Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever ........................................................................... Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day. ................................................................. Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you ................................................................... Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.. Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me. .................................................................... Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ? Husband: A lovely Push...! If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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vinii		#751 Posted : Monday, July 18, 2011 11:40:53 AM
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057		This one knocked me out!!!! Found on the Refrigerator One Morning My Dear Wife You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset ........ I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know,I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the Assistant Tennis Coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. So I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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nostoppingthis		#752 Posted : Wednesday, July 20, 2011 12:43:15 PM
Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi		Now this has malizad me.....In a matatu a jeng guy..... "Dere, hebu sukisa hapo sell gas steson".... People BURST out lauging & a Kiuk guy wiping tears from his eyes struggles to talk but still chuckling ati "Eeehhhh.....Dugu yagu...inaonekana uko na chida ya matamuchi".
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pesh cash		#753 Posted : Tuesday, July 26, 2011 4:27:42 PM
Rank: New-farer Joined: 6/1/2011 Posts: 47 Location: Nairobi		a luo guy gives the conductor a thousand bob for fare from kencom to serena conductor says, "boss, hauna pesa ingine? " the guy chucks another one thousand. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. ~Winston Churchill
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McReggae		#754 Posted : Tuesday, July 26, 2011 4:33:48 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi		Shaffie weru!!!! - What is the opposite of laughter? A: Sex. How is that? Because laughter is "ha ha ha" and sex is "ah ah ah...!!!" ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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conos		#755 Posted : Tuesday, July 26, 2011 6:01:11 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 4/30/2010 Posts: 241		pesh cash wrote: a luo guy gives the conductor a thousand bob for fare from kencom to serena conductor says, "boss, hauna pesa ingine? " the guy chucks another one thousand. ukiona choo kwa ndoto usiingie, ni mtego!
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conos		#756 Posted : Tuesday, July 26, 2011 6:02:50 PM
Rank: Member Joined: 4/30/2010 Posts: 241		A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is. The husband says, "We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you." "Yes, dear, anything you want," replies the wife. "Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that." Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth. "I have been unfaithful three times," she says. "Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time." "I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?" he asks. "The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?" she said. "Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time." "Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short...." ukiona choo kwa ndoto usiingie, ni mtego!
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brav		#757 Posted : Wednesday, July 27, 2011 9:29:35 AM
Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/26/2008 Posts: 745		C&P THE YEAR IS 1976, and Nairobi MArathon is underway when a mugikuyu come to the stadium gate and is requested to pay 10/= entrance, he shrugs and says no he cannot pay a 10/= to watch people running and he walks away, then he just people cheering keino, keino, keino,keino!!! he paid the 10/= and dashed in so fast asking giikuu giiku
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vin		#758 Posted : Wednesday, July 27, 2011 9:36:25 AM
Rank: Member Joined: 1/22/2007 Posts: 336		nostoppingthis wrote: Now this has malizad me.....In a matatu a jeng guy..... "Dere, hebu sukisa hapo sell gas steson".... People BURST out lauging & a Kiuk guy wiping tears from his eyes struggles to talk but still chuckling ati "Eeehhhh.....Dugu yagu...inaonekana uko na chida ya matamuchi". This a real rib cracker.a case of a kettle calling a pot black. Advice is like snow.The softer it lands the harder is sticks.
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brav		#759 Posted : Wednesday, July 27, 2011 11:12:59 AM
Rank: Veteran Joined: 11/26/2008 Posts: 745		Quote: nostoppingthis wrote: Now this has malizad me.....In a matatu a jeng guy..... "Dere, hebu sukisa hapo sell gas steson".... People BURST out lauging & a Kiuk guy wiping tears from his eyes struggles to talk but still chuckling ati "Eeehhhh.....Dugu yagu...inaonekana uko na chida ya matamuchi". smile Hio ni A1
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vinii		#760 Posted : Wednesday, July 27, 2011 1:40:23 PM
Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057		Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either ur money or life... The wives want both! ==== Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out. ==== No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life. (1) Mobile (2) Automobile (3) TV (4) Wife Because there is always a better model in neighborhood. === Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?` Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`. === Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego! === Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself! === Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again. === A friend recently explained why he refuses to et married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs. === It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins. === It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid.........! Quote on a husband`s T-Shirt: All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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