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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/24/2007 Posts: 1,805
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KCSE 2011 Kamilisha methail hii: Akili ni nywele… a) Ujinga ni weave b) Wazimu ni mohawk c) Kipara ni ngoto d) Matuta ni msoto What did the burning bush say to Moses? – Just gonna stand there and watch me burn..? Name two joints. – Changes and Psys. Kamilisha methatli: Mtaka cha mvunguni….sharti a-bendover. Which country is next to USA ? – USB Tunga sentensi ukitumia “jumapili”.... ninakunywa tusker juu mapili zimeisha. Tunga sentensi kutumia “changamka”. – Changa mkabuy guage, niko kwa jam, nakam. Who was the 1st Luo in the bible? - Nick Odemus. What does Yash Pal Ghai's daughter call her father? - Ghai Fafa! Add a question tag_______'Ruto went to hague' - haguen't he? What do you call a KPLC van behind a G4S van? - Mulika Mwizi! What did Moses say when he saw the burning bush? HELLO-MOTO! Name two types of Chicken, Answer: Kenchick and Akuku Danger What is the most important day of the week? a) Terrific Tuesday b) Wacky Wednesday c) Uptown Thursday d) Sexy Saturday A GS4 van left at 7 o’colock this morning…find the money. Q: Find the L.C.M of 21. The student cancelled L.C.M and wrote: Our L.C.D is Sony 52 inches Which street is all Kenyan all the time? - Koinange Street. What is the opposite of Wetangula – Dryangula. Name one place in Kenya where you will find coffee and sugarcane growing. - Kahawa Sukari. Kamilisha methali ifuatayo .... "Usipoziba woofer , utachoma pia amplifier " Kinyume ya giza ni? – kangeta (answer by Meru student) Which one of these is not a soap? a) Esmeralda b) Days of Our Lives c) Geisha d) La Mujer Give an appropriate answer to the following Question: "Otherwise?" If Moses was a Rastafarian and saw the burning bush,what could he have said? a) Mo faya b) Better dan dem c).Wa’gwan d) Blo! Blo! Blo! Q: Use defence, defeat and detail to make a sentense. Answer: De cow jumped defence, defeat landed before detail. Ninajivunia kuwa Mke... A) be B) ka C) nya D) nge Tunga Sentensi Ukitumia “Jumatatu”. - Nilitembea kwenda tao Ju Matatu Za kwetu Ziligoma! Which is heavier? A.180kgs of Big Ted B.180kgs of Big Kev C.180kgs of Madtraxx D.180kgs of Shaffie Weru Andika sentensi hii kwa wingi: Mwalimu aliniita. - Ans: Waalimu walitwitter. Who's the first person to reach the peaks of Mt. Kenya : (a Makmende (b Safaricom choir Differentiate between Bifwoli wakoli and Atwoli. (20 marks). What does G4S stand for? a) Gone 4 Sure b) Goons 4 Stealing c) Gone in 4 Seconds d) All the above What is Semenya a) a man b) a woman c) a thwak d) all the above What do you get when u cross a white lady & a Kenyan man with a sore throat? - Robert Nagila. What do we call a Kenyan Indian High flier? - Muhindi Mbingu. What is the future tense of I stole maize? - I'll go to The Hague and I'll be a backbencher. What is Chris Brown's greatest Hit? - Rihanna. Translate in Kiswahili: Private School = Shule nyeti. Select a national school you would like to go to after passing your exams. A.Starehe boy B.Alliance high C.Mang'u high D.Tahidi High What do you call a window cleaner in Nyanza? -Transparent wall technicia Jack Bauer is to America as ___________ is to Kenya A. Raila B. Makmende C. Chuck Noris D. Onyancha Q: UMOJA: ALIKUJA NA WHEELBARROW AKATENGEZA UKATA. UWINGI? - marikuja ni hurubarrow makasondeka ukuta. I Think Therefore I Am
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Nyce one @bwenyenye!!!! ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Member Joined: 8/3/2007 Posts: 146
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pretty hilarious.. hehehe
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Height of poverty: Wife stitching husband’s condom. Height of innocence: A girl applying Clearasil 2 her nipples.thinking they r pimples. Height of ambition: An ant climbing on the leg of an elephant with motive of rape. Height of unemployment: A spider web found in a prostitute’s pussy. Height of laziness: Naked men sleeping on top of a naked woman expecting an earthquake 2 do the rest. Height of patience: A guy standing in a queue 2 f*** his own wife…… ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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C&P
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold. ....
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Rank: Member Joined: 7/12/2010 Posts: 201
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Tunga sentensi ukitumia 'Gaetano' :
Nilipomuuliza amekunywa pilsner ngapi alinijibu, 'you guy, tano!!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/2/2011 Posts: 4,818 Location: -1.2107, 36.8831
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The good news for Usama bin Laden is that he gets 72 Virgins in the afterlife....The bad news is, well, they are all Men!!!!!!! Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you.” ― Rashi
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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Teacher:If there were 5 birds on a fence & you shot 1,how many
would be left?
Johny: none, because others will fly.
Teacher:answer is 4.
But i like the way you think.
Johny:I...have a question mam. if 3 women are eating ice cream,1 licking,1 biting & 1 sucking. How can you
tell which 1 is married?
Teacher: the 1 who sucks the cone?
Johny:no! The one who is wearing a wedding ring.But i like the way you think....
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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Jamaa kila apigiwapo simu na mpango wa kando akiwa nyumbani, mkewe huichukuwa na kuiweka kwa charge. Kisa na maana Jamaa alimsave girlfriend kama 'Low Battery'.ndio mke asijue! The way I am
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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Tafakari La Babu: Babu yangu kaniita jioni moja na kunihadithia kisa cha mchwa mchwa kaingia kwa uchi wa mwanamke akidhani ni pango.. alipotoka wenzake wakamuuliza alikokuwa tangu jana?.. akasema" jana karibu nimalizwe, nimeingia pangoni..gafla nyokanaye akaingia akitaka kuniuma .. akatia kichwa akitoa mara kadhaa lakini hakunipata. mwishowe akachoka akanitemea mate na kuondoka ! The way I am
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Rank: Member Joined: 1/24/2011 Posts: 407 Location: Nairobi,Kenya
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A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear.. "I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here." Hope is not a strategy
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Rank: Member Joined: 1/24/2011 Posts: 407 Location: Nairobi,Kenya
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And God Created manOne day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." Hope is not a strategy
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Rank: Member Joined: 1/24/2011 Posts: 407 Location: Nairobi,Kenya
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A Brief Guide To Religious PhilosophiesCatholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit. Hope is not a strategy
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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What is stress!!!? u give a beautiful gal a lift, she faints in ur car & U take her 2 hosp. now that's stressful, the doc says she's pregnant & congratulates U that u'r going 2 b a father. U say u aint the father bt the gal says u r. This is gettin stressful. 2 prove it, a DNA test is taken. Results say that u r infertile. U'r extremely stressd but relieved. on ua way bak home u remember u av 3 kids. WHO THE HELL IS THEIR FATHER? now thats Stress!! have a stress free day. ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 12/8/2009 Posts: 975 Location: Nairobi
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McReggae wrote:What is stress!!!? u give a beautiful gal a lift, she faints in ur car & U take her 2 hosp. now that's stressful, the doc says she's pregnant & congratulates U that u'r going 2 b a father. U say u aint the father bt the gal says u r. This is gettin stressful. 2 prove it, a DNA test is taken. Results say that u r infertile. U'r extremely stressd but relieved. on ua way bak home u remember u av 3 kids.
WHO THE HELL IS THEIR FATHER? now thats Stress!! have a stress free day. That is MEGA STRESS! You will know that you have arrived when money and time are not mutually exclusive "events" in you life!
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Rank: Elder Joined: 6/17/2008 Posts: 23,365 Location: Nairobi
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Fast communication:- Tell A Woman. Fastest communication:- Tell her, not to tell anyone. ..."Wewe ni mtu mdogo sana....na mwenye amekuandika pia ni mtu mdogo sana!".
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057
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Oh To Be 12 Again.. A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pop and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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Rank: Hello Joined: 7/2/2011 Posts: 7
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If you think you have family problems maybe it is because you have not read this!!!!
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You
think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I
met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
"Later my father married my step daughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of
myson, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. "This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I'm my
stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm My own grandfather!
And you think you have family problems
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Rank: Elder Joined: 11/26/2008 Posts: 2,097
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Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board.We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather,and partly due to the search for a missing tyre. This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will End up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village! Company has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our Passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and m emorable, we serve Complimentary DHARU and Wada pavw. For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God! We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to British Airways, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible. For the best view, if however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark! Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly Fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase. "Never regret, if its good, its wonderful. If its bad, its experience."
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