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Rank: Member Joined: 4/28/2011 Posts: 213
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THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car, because I was on my way to fetch them when I passed the test.
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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@specky, nice one... I wonder who they will use when the little sister is about to get married... 
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Rank: Member Joined: 4/28/2011 Posts: 213
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lets hope kuna mwingine nyuma ya huyo....
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Rank: Elder Joined: 12/9/2009 Posts: 6,592 Location: Nairobi
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nostoppingthis wrote:@specky, nice one... I wonder who they will use when the little sister is about to get married... And I hope he has a car too.
BBI will solve it :)
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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Jamaa mpenda wake za watu siku moja alikuwa akila uroda na mke wa jirani mtaa wa pili usiku wakati mumewe hayupo.
Ghafla, mume karudi na kuanza kupiga hodi mlango wa mbele, mke kusikia mumewe karudi, kahamaki na kukimbilia kumtoa jamaa kupitia mlango wa nyuma.
Jamaa alikurupuka mbio, akaruka ukuta akiwa uchi wa mnyama akakimbia hadi nyumbani kwake.
Alipofika kwa mkewe akamwambia kapigwa na majambazi njiani wakamvua nguo
zote na kumwibia kila kitu.
Mkewe akamwambia "Pole mpenzi lakini hawa majambazi si watu wema kabisa,
yaani wamekuvua nguo zote na kukuvalisha Condom!?"
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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Wanjiru, an eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result confirms that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half
an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their
house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again..."
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Rank: Member Joined: 3/30/2010 Posts: 176
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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sasa mumeanza kurepeat jokes. @ Specky..that joke is in this thread twice The way I am
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Rank: Member Joined: 1/30/2009 Posts: 164
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POLITIKS  {|= A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."  They keep moving the cheese  stolen from opensuse forums :)
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/26/2010 Posts: 125
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STOP BEING LATE TO WORK
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057
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Marriage-Part 3 A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." He queries, "In bed this early.....doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) **************************************************************** Marriage-Part 4 A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six'?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" (RIGHT ON, LADY) If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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Rank: Member Joined: 8/2/2010 Posts: 480 Location: chokoo
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C&P
A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out of his bag. hes teacher is very puzzled and ask Tommy what is that cat doing at school today.Tommy says I heard the postman telling mum when the kids go to school im going to eat your pussy! He was chinese so i wasnt taking any f@#kin chances..
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 3/10/2011 Posts: 18
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C&P
INTERESTING FACTS
1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
9. Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)
10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)
15. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
17. Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436
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blacksilvergal wrote:C&P
INTERESTING FACTS
1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
I think Atwoli can achieve this is 3 months flat
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Rank: Member Joined: 6/23/2010 Posts: 182 Location: Kenya
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Rank: Member Joined: 6/23/2010 Posts: 182 Location: Kenya
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THIS IS HOW IT STARTED:
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
> and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
> 'Yes,'
>
> I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
>
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
>
> been sober since.'
> 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
> And then the fight started...
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap’..
> That must be my husband!'
> So
>
> the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
>
> He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
>
> car as fast as he could go.
> A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
> And then the fight started.....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
> and she processed my Social Security application. < /div>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
> And then the fight started...
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
> I said, 'Dust.'
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
> I bought her a scale.
> And then the fight started...
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Rank: Member Joined: 4/13/2011 Posts: 151
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Raking Motion Yesterday I was taking a break in the back garden after nasty storms, and my wife upstairs was having a shower. I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to her: "Honey, where's the rake?". She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?". I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn't sure and said, "What?". I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE". My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her bum, and finally to her crotch. Well, I had no idea what in god's name she was on about, so I trudged up the stairs, poked my head into the bathroom and asked her, "What the hell was that?". She replied EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH  Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
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Rank: Member Joined: 1/24/2011 Posts: 407 Location: Nairobi,Kenya
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OUCHJoe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches. When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," said the doctor. Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation. He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life. As he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like to see some of your suits." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll, so he said, "Sure . . . " The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . 9 Wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" It's my job," said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed and said, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head and said, "You shouldn't wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Joe fainted. Hope is not a strategy
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Rank: Member Joined: 11/5/2010 Posts: 131 Location: kenya
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Poor Joe, How he wishes he had joined one of sects that dont put on those things.
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/14/2009 Posts: 2,057
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If Wanjiru were to replace Rudisha in tht Kiwi advert: 1. Hata kambra makwende Njapan. 2. Hata kambra mafuje rekondi ya Mbeijin 3. Hata kambra mafunge chips funga 4. Hata kambra mafujike chingo 5.Hata kambra Marijaribu high jump kwa mbarocony 6. Marikuwa mameng'aricha iratu If you are an eagle don't hang around with chickens; chickens don't fly....
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