And now I can sleep. You've made my day & night.

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.

Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.


Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:

'Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!'

The man said, 'I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating'.


The Policemen hehehehhehehe...i think they asked for transfer

EPL version of a Classic Joke


After 6 seasons dismal performance , Arsenal's manager , Wenger (Mr Bean) decides to visit Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford and inquire how he makes Man U perform. He asks him what his coaching philosophy is. He says that it
is to surround himself with intelligent players...

He asks how he
knows if they're
intelligent.
"I do so by asking them
the right questions," says
...Sir Alex Ferguson.
"Allow me to
demonstrate."
There on the pitch, he calls ROONEY and says, " Rooney,please answer
this question: Your mother
has a child, and your
father has a child, and
this
child is not your brother or
sister. Who is it?"
ROONEY responds,
"It's me, coach"
Says Rooney.
"Correct"Did you get that,
Mr. WENGER?"
"Yes. Thanks a lot.
I'll definitely be using
that!"
Upon returning to
EMIRATES, he decides he'd
better
try the test on his players. He summons
Van persie and says,
I wonder if
you can answer a question
for me." "Why, of
course, coach. What's on your
mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a
child, and your father has
a child, and this
child is not your brother or
your sister. Who is it?"
Van Persie hems and
haws and finally asks, "Can
I think about it and get
back to you?"
Wenger agrees, and Van Persie
leaves. He immediately
calls DROGBA and
explains his problem.
"Now look here Didier,
your mother has a child,
and your father has a
child, and this child is not
your brother, or your
sister. Who is it?"
Drogba answers
immediately,
"It's me, of course, you
dumb a**."
Much relieved, Van Persie
rushes back to Wenger and exclaims," I
know the answer, sir! I
know who it is! It's
DIDIER DROGBA!"
And WENGER replies in
disgust," You Idiot! Its ROONEY!!''

C&P

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's
business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular
activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front
of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one
seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

This should be taken seriously!!!

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wonderful Explanations

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either".

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest, except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you with his bills.

Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'






********************************************



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.





********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

How much confidence do you have in your Companies products?

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,

he replies :
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!! !

SOMO LA KISWAHILI- NGELI YA TAFSIRI

Kiswahili on softwares & websites...

Kiswahili is the funniest of all languages. At least where computers are
concerned. Now that I hear they will soon be releasing software and
websites
in swahili, I went ahead and gave them a few translations to some of the
things we are used to using in English.

On Microsoft Word...

Save- Okoa
Shift cells right- Peleka Jela zote kulia
Insert- Ingiza
Redo- Fanya tena
Undo- Fanyua
Insert table- Ingiza meza
Insert break- Ingiza na uvunje
Select all- Chagua wote
Cut- Tahirisha
Change Case- Badilisha Kesi
Upper case- Kesi ya juu
Lower case- Kesi ya hali ya chini
Italize- Fanya jambo kama waitaliano

On the internet

Go- Kwenda
Facebook- Kitabu cha nyuso
MySpace- Mahala pangu
Yahoo- Ya nani
Google- Jina lisilo na maana. Latamkwa sana sana na watoto wanaojifunza
kuongea

Inbox- Sanduku la ndani
Outbox- Sanduku la nje
Search- Sorora/Sakanya
Click here- Pigia mdomo hapa
Sign out- Peleka saini nje
Download- Mzigo uliyo chini
Hits- Kutwangwa mara mingi
Bookmark- Alama kwenye kitabu
Back- Mgongo
Home page- Ukurasa wa nyumbani
Log in- Mti ndani
Log out- Mti nje

So have a great swahili day, won't you?

Paka mzee......