When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some
place expensive....so, I took her to a Petrol station..... and then
the fight started....
*********************************************************


After retiring, I went to the Benefits Office to sort out my pension.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Pension application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Benefits office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have got
disability allowance , too'
And then the fight started.....
**********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
***********
************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a rather primitive farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull has sex with a cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year; Wouldn't you get mad?

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member,of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

Boy 1: Why did you run away from the naked lady?

Boy 2: Because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will turn to stone and a part of me was already getting hard!

Applause to shamba mboy

But to the wifey, shindwe

C & P


KCPE QUIZ


1) A normal person X wants to become a politician. What would you deduct from him to make him one?
 
 a) Common Sense
 b) Honesty
 c) Brains
 d) All the above
 
 2) A man voluntarily flies to the Hague and back on a commercial jet in a total of five hours. Assuming the distance to  Hague is 10,000 Km, how long will he take to come back if he goes there in handcuffs?
 
 3) Mr. Wetangula bought a piece of land for 1.1 billion which is 200% higher than the cost price. How much will the  transaction cost him?
a) His reputation
b) His job
c) His Salary
d) All the above
 
 4) The city council charges Ksh 140 to park a car in Nairobi and clamp it if the owner doesnt pay and charge him an  additional Ksh 1500. If a VITZ owner doesnt pay parking, how much will the owner pay in total if the car is clamped?
 
 a) A Vitz is not a car
 b) Ksh 20: The equivalent of children park-entry fees.
 c) They cant clamp the wheel of a Vitz. Its too small.
 d) He wont pay. He'd rather buy a new Vitz. Its cheaper.
 
 5) Using a pair of Compasses and a ruler, calculate the safest distance a person next to Raila should stand to avoid  being hit by his head when he is speaking.
 
 6) A ministry is allocated 5 billion shillings. Which of these politicians will embezzle the funds the fastest?
 
 a) Geoffrey Majiwa
 b) Moses Wetangula
 c) Charity Ngilu
 d) William Ruto
 
 7) An average person reads a speech in One hour, Thirty five minutes. How long will it take Kibaki to read the same speech?
 
 a) Hakuuuuuuna Haaaja.

vinii.....

Science Paper

What did judas update on twitter after Jesus resurrected?
A) OMG, B) NKT, C) LMFAO, D) WTF

A man is making love to his maid and tells her how sweet she is. The maid replies 'even the houseboy says am sweeter than madam!' Tafakari...