Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick
packs the picnic basket with drinks and sandwiches. The trouble is that
the picnic site is ten miles away so; it takes them ten days to get
there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and drinks. "Ok Roy
give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you
packed it" Mick gets worried,
He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy
didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat
all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he
still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a
promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a
promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a
sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from
behind a rock and shouts:
"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT GOING!

Nakwambiaya kila mara usi cheze na Wakikuyu!!!!!

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate was Bernard Waiyaki a Kenyan living in USA .

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA programming to leave.. 2000 people left the room. Waiyaki said to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try.
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people left the room.. Waiyaki said to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people left the room. Waiyaki says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people left the room. Waiyaki says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who have all the required qualifications & experience I am looking for and speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

and....... Calmly, Waiyaki turns to the other candidate and says ‘uri mwega!’
The other candidate answers ' Ngai fafa!! Onawe wi mugikuyu?????

C&P

Kiswahili translations:

Private parts = sehemu nyeti

Thus, private schools = ?

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."

The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the bitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"

Copy & paste

An Engineer working in the UK recently received a letter from his girlfriend
back home in Tanzania. It read as follows:

Dear Michael,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between

us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you

twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the pictures of me that I sent to you.

Love, Elizabeth

- - - - -

The Engineer, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Tanzanians based in the UK for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the pictures of Elizabeth, Michael included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected
from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

- - - - -

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take

your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Michael