c& P
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

Weight Loss ( C&P)

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Judge:And when did you realise you had been raped?
Prostitute:When the cheque bounced.

Hilarious

http://www.mediafire.com.../Ma___Pa_Kettle_Math.wmv

How true this is....
"Safaricom is the annoying wife you'll never leave, Zain is the comforting clande you keep running to, Yu is the enticing secretary you always think of hitting on and Orange is the sugar mummy that gives and gets..."

Wapishi wengi, chakula hupikwa haraka.

· Mtegemea Noodles 4 supper, haachi kulala njaa

· Utamu wa manzi aujuae ni chali

· Mtoto akililia wembe anataka kukata sehemu nyeti auze

· Uzuri wa mke si sura ni kujua fulu fulu condition

· Mbio ya 800 huishia kwa Rudisha .

· Mwenda pole ni bi arusi.

· Aliye juu bila shaka anatengeza roof

· Ukistaajabu ya Musa haujasikia ya Onyancha

· Kidole kimoja ni jina ya kanisa ya Runda

· Fahari wawili wakipigana, call rates zinashuka

· Aliyembali haonekani

· Mgema akisifiwa,chang'aa inakuwa legalized.

· Ahsante ya punda usiifananishe na ya ng'ombe

· Ajali haina fulifuli fulifuli conditioooon

· Asiye funzwa na mamaye, mwalimu king'ang'i yupo

· Ukiistajabu ya m-kifo hujayaona ya m-nyeti pap

· Asiyekubali kushidwa anakuwa prime minister

· Mbio za sakafuni humalizwa na rudisha

· Asiyekubali kushindwa ni Rudisha!

· Aliye na macho hanywi changaa

· Mwenda tezi na omo hajajua kuna aerial

· umoja ni estate utengano ni setbook

· akukumlikaye mchana anahitaji stima loan

· Aliye kando, haangukiwi na katiba

· Asiyefunzwa na mamaye hufunzwa na MAMAWE

· Usimwone paka amenyeshewa ukafikiri hawezi kumla mtoto.

· Asiye na bwana aelekee kicc

· Mjinga akierevuka,walimu waende nyumbani

· Kikulacho kina appetite

· Hasira ya mjaluo,furaha ya museveni

· Ukitaka kula kuku,chagua aliye mtesa churchil

· Kung'oa reli kwa mjaluo ni furaha ya mkikuyu= atauza chuma

· Akili nyingi ilimfanya ruto ashindwe

· Dalili ya the hague ni ocampo

· Dawa ya kuku ni churchill.

· Haba na haba weka kwa M KESHO

· Mwenda tagged na twitter marejeo ni Facebook.

· Ajuaye kuna watermelon, huenda akatolewa pressure Nairobi hospitali

DJ: HEY! This is Phil Matthew's on Capital FM. Do
you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you are married? or what
Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's
name? First only please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the
last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one
would
ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at
stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had
sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummmmm.
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her
mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and
she
was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Where did you guys do it?
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than
the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, to
audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up.
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch
tones ringing)
Clerk: Posta
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Phil Mathews with Capital FM
98.4.
I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of
hours now...
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line
with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers
or
you lose soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate
Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up
to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his question honestly
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you 3
questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has
said then the 2 of you are off to Nyali Beach at
our
expense. This does include Ksh.20,000 spending
money Sara.
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian. this morning before Brian went
to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmm Background voice in studio: That's close
enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his
manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question:
Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did
you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey. If you tell the truth,
we win the trip!
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well it's just that my mom is vacationing
with us and......
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. We're just messin' with
your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord. I cannot believe you told them
this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Coast.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did
you do it?
Sara: In the ass. (long pause)
DJ: We will be right back. ((advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This
is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway,

Brian and Sara are off to lovely Nyali Beach
_________________

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable woul...d have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" ."My darling," he replied, "I get all the th...anks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."