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Rank: New-farer Joined: 2/12/2010 Posts: 78 Location: nairobi
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/13/2009 Posts: 1,950 Location: in kenya
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C & P A farmer had a brown cow and a white cow, and he wanted to get them bred, so he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking to some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes", replied the father. "The bull has just screwed the brown cow!". There was a sudden silence in the conversation. The father asked his friends to excuse him for a moment, took his son outside and said: "Son, you musn't use language like that, especially in front of company. You should say that the bull 'surprised' the cow. now go and watch and tell me when the bull 'surprises' the white cow". The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came back and said "Hey, Daddy!". "Yes, son, did the bull 'surprise' the white cow"? "He sure did, Pop! he screwed the brown cow again!" '......to the acknowledgment of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; 3 In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.' Colossians 2:2-3
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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BOY:::Can I touch your software? GIRL:::First show me your hardware..... BOY::::Can I install it? GIRL::::First cover it with antivirus then install it The way I am
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Rank: Member Joined: 2/5/2010 Posts: 273 Location: NBI
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Rank: Elder Joined: 5/4/2008 Posts: 1,703
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marex wrote: BOY:::Can I touch your software? GIRL:::First show me your hardware.....
BOY::::Can I install it? GIRL::::First cover it with antivirus then
install it @marex hiyo no noma Think Positive Test Negative
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/13/2009 Posts: 1,950 Location: in kenya
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C & P Why the Internet is Like a d*** It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. '......to the acknowledgment of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; 3 In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.' Colossians 2:2-3
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Rank: Member Joined: 8/2/2010 Posts: 480 Location: chokoo
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436
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Ujeuri wa Wapwani
Tajiri kanunua mbuzi! Akamwambia mpishi!
"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye friza!
Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na ndizi
na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"
Mpishi akamuliza:
"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tufanye ring tone kwenye simu yako?"
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Rank: New-farer Joined: 8/19/2010 Posts: 23
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Found this absolutely hilarious,hope you'll enjoy it.
How to kill the Eel
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his
age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit
about courting from other boys and he wondered what it
was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she
became flustered. Instead of explaining things to
Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one
night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following morning Johnny
described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then
he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to
kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick
because her face started looking funny. He must have
thought so too because he put his hand inside her
blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would.
Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of
them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been getting cold because he
put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got
toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever
started, I know it was a fever because sis told him
she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so
sick........
a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It
just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9
inches long. HONEST.
Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from
getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared.
Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell
her about the ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by
biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a
noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back.
Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight
while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped
it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the
top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill
the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great
sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had
killed the eel . . . I knew it was dead because it
just hung there limp and some of its insides were
hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the
battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started
hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel
wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and
started to fight again. I guess eels are like
cats....
They have nine lives or something. This time sis
jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.
After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally
killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because
I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it
down the toilet.
Mother fainted
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Rank: Elder Joined: 10/1/2009 Posts: 2,436
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just enjoy, don take too seriously!
If you ever get lost in Kenya and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along,then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right - you are in Kericho.
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and loses his temper - that's Kisii.
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up - That's ELDORET.
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall - that's MURANG'A
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program. That's NAKURU
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says "aiee, dont fight for all this nonsense". Peace comes in - that's Machakos
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
Bwai! You are in Kisumu
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. a third guy comes to solve the problem, finds out it is all about a chicken tied aside, picks it up and runs away.
You're in Kakamega.
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting, a third guy comes try to stop them and gets involved and calls others too to stop, they finally stop them, you’re in Mombasa
Scenario 10
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes and struggles to stop them, then he disappears and the two miss their wallets.
You're in Kiambu.
Scenario 11
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. Someone calls police. The police come and beat up all the people crowded there. Someone throws stones at the police; the police throw stones back at the crowd. Some people are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby are made. Next day, a holiday is declared by the government...Finally, You are in NAIROBI.
Scenario 12
Two guys are fighting. A third guy comes cuts both of them with a panga and asks later what they were fighting about. You are in Meru
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Rank: Elder Joined: 9/23/2009 Posts: 8,083 Location: Enk are Nyirobi
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Intelligentsia wrote:Ujeuri wa Wapwani
Tajiri kanunua mbuzi! Akamwambia mpishi!
"Nyama nusu ipike pilau na nyingine itie kwenye friza!
Kichwa fanya supu na miguu fanya mchuzi chukuchuku!
Ngozi usitupe tutafanya mswala, utumbo pika na ndizi
na mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa!"
Mpishi akamuliza:
"Hutaki na sauti ya mbuzi tufanye ring tone kwenye simu yako?"
waaaaah Life is short. Live passionately.
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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They new goalkeeper of the japanese national soccer team is called DUKIMOTO SISHIKI The way I am
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Rank: Member Joined: 5/2/2007 Posts: 536
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Rank: Member Joined: 10/4/2007 Posts: 656
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Manufacturers of Durex condoms ran an award winning advert on fathers day. "TO ALL THOSE WHO USE OUR COMPETITORS PRODUCTS, HAPPY FATHERS DAY!" The way I am
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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A lady goes to her priest one day and says, "Father,
>
> I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but
>
> they only know how to say one thing."
>
> "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
>
> "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
>
> some fun?'"
>
> "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, and then,
>
> he thought for a moment.
>
> "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
>
> problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I
>
> have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your
>
> two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them
>
> in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can
>
> teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
>
> parrots are sure to stop saying that horrible
>
> thing-in no time at all."
>
> "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
>
> well be the solution to my problem."
>
> The next day, she brought her female parrots to
>
> the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw
>
> that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
>
> holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she
>
> walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
>
> After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out
>
> in unison: "Hi,we're hookers! Do you want to have
>
> some fun?"
>
> There was stunned silence.
>
> Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other
>
> male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away,
>
> Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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> The Smiths were unable to conceive children,
> and decided to use a
> surrogate
> father to start their family. On the day the
> proxy father was to arrive,
> Mr.
> Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The
> man should be here soon.
>
> "Half an hour later, just by chance, a
> door-to-door baby photographer
> rang
> the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
> "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
> "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting
> you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
> "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!
> I've made a specialty of
> babies."
> "That's what my husband and I had hoped.
> Please come in and have a
> seat.
> " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well,
> where do we start?"
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
> the bathtub, one on the
> couch
> and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
> living room floor is fun
> too... you can really spread out!"
>
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
> work for Harry and me."
> "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good
> one every time. But if we
> try
> several different positions and I shoot from six
> or seven angles, I'm
> sure
> you'll be pleased with the results."
>
> "My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
> time. I'd love to be in
> and
> out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
> with that, I'm sure."
> "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and
> pulled out a portfolio of his
> baby pictures.
>
> "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my
> gawd!!" Mrs. Smith
> exclaimed,
> tugging at her handkerchief.
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well,
> when you consider their
> mother was so difficult to work with."
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
> to the park to get the
> job
> done right. People were crowding around four and
> five deep, pushing to
> get
> a
> good look."
> "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes
> widened in amazement.
> "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more
> than three hours, too. The
> mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I
> could hardly concentrate!
> Then darkness approached and I began to rush my
> shots. Finally, when
> the
> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
> packed it all in."
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they
> actually chewed on your um...
> equipment?"
> "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready,
> I'll set up my tripod so
> that
> we can get to work."
>
> "Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to
> rest my Canon on. It's
> much
> too big for me to hold for very long.
>
>
>
> Good Lord, she's fainted!!!
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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A newly wed Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his
> > wife
> > Y'know sumptin, honey, we have a wonderful system at de firestation.
> > Bell 1 rings - we put on de jackets.
> > Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
> > Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
> > >From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
> > When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.
> > When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
> > The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped
>naked.
> > 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
> > 'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
> > After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
> > "What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
> > She replied: "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire".
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Rank: Chief Joined: 8/24/2009 Posts: 5,909 Location: Nairobi
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The guilty are afraid..
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a
little too much to drink at a party.
Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he
spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.
Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he
picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the movie house a short time later and were about to
get out of the car when his wife asked,
"Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
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Rank: Elder Joined: 3/31/2008 Posts: 7,081 Location: Kenya
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A young girl is taking a bath, when she suddenly realizes
she's growing Pubic hairs.
She runs to her mom and says. "Mama I have hair growing on my cookie!!!
Her mother tells her not to call it like that, but to call it a monkey. Later that day the young girl goes up to her bigger sister and tells her that she's growing hair on her monkey. The bigger sister replied, "That's nothing, my monkey is already eating bananas
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Rank: Veteran Joined: 5/24/2010 Posts: 846 Location: KENYA
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nostoppingthis wrote:> The Smiths were unable to conceive children,
> and decided to use a
> surrogate
> father to start their family. On the day the
> proxy father was to arrive,
> Mr.
> Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The
> man should be here soon.
>
> "Half an hour later, just by chance, a
> door-to-door baby photographer
> rang
> the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
> "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
> "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting
> you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
> "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!
> I've made a specialty of
> babies."
> "That's what my husband and I had hoped.
> Please come in and have a
> seat.
> " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well,
> where do we start?"
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
> the bathtub, one on the
> couch
> and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
> living room floor is fun
> too... you can really spread out!"
>
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
> work for Harry and me."
> "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good
> one every time. But if we
> try
> several different positions and I shoot from six
> or seven angles, I'm
> sure
> you'll be pleased with the results."
>
> "My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
> time. I'd love to be in
> and
> out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
> with that, I'm sure."
> "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and
> pulled out a portfolio of his
> baby pictures.
>
> "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my
> gawd!!" Mrs. Smith
> exclaimed,
> tugging at her handkerchief.
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well,
> when you consider their
> mother was so difficult to work with."
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
> to the park to get the
> job
> done right. People were crowding around four and
> five deep, pushing to
> get
> a
> good look."
> "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes
> widened in amazement.
> "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more
> than three hours, too. The
> mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I
> could hardly concentrate!
> Then darkness approached and I began to rush my
> shots. Finally, when
> the
> squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
> packed it all in."
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they
> actually chewed on your um...
> equipment?"
> "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready,
> I'll set up my tripod so
> that
> we can get to work."
>
> "Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to
> rest my Canon on. It's
> much
> too big for me to hold for very long.
>
>
>
> Good Lord, she's fainted!!!  
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